A
female
age
36-40,
*rystalJ
writes:Would you date someone with a criminal record ?I met this guy at a party of a mutual friend. We spent the whole night talking and exchanged numbers. After spending hours a day texting / talking we went on an amazing first date. At the end of the date on the ride home he told me that he had spent 5 years in prison because of a drunk driving accident that left a 9 year old body paralyzed and with brain injuries. He told me that he would leave it up to me if I wanted a second date. I spent two weeks reading articles on the accident and not knowing what to do. Earlier in the week I was at a coworkers house and she brought up his name. (We are both teachers) he had approached the school we work with to give a speech to the high school students on the dangers of drinking and driving. When I asked if she knew him personally she said that they had mutual friends and told me what she knew of the situation.I honestly feel like he is a good guy that made a bad choice but part of me thinks I should just stay away from him. What would you do ?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2017): I would only date him if he is actively working a 12 step program or going to therapy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2017): If you like him go for it ... as horrible as the out come was of the accident. The family have forgiven him ... as long as he never drink drives again ... speeding can cause harm and I bet most people on here have gone over the speed limit. .
Good luck
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (20 August 2017):
 You are going into this with your eyes open and after giving it much consideration. From the bottom of my heart, I wish you both the best of luck.
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female
reader, KrystalJ +, writes (20 August 2017):
KrystalJ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo dry spell or seeing him out of desperation. We spent almost two weeks talking before we went out on our first date and I have honestly never felt more comfortable or had so much fun on a first date as I did with him. I honestly did struggle with the fact that of what he did and I told him that I was unsure how it would effect a relationship. I was honest as was he
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2017): To be frank, I already knew the outcome; and you'd see him again. I just wanted you to think it over before you did it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2017): Have you been under a dry spell for male companionship lately? Perhaps for years?
Then I can see why you would make this decision out of desperation.
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female
reader, KrystalJ +, writes (19 August 2017):
KrystalJ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone.I did call him yesterday and ask if we could talk and we did . He came over and we talked all night. He told me about the accident , trail and prison. He talked about adjusting to life outside of prison and his plans for the future. He has a huge support system with his family and close friends and has been in counciling since being released. He was never an alcoholic or drug user. Everyone I talk to had the same stories about him, a good guy that made a horrible decision that has altered the life of another family. He talked a lot the boy and his family. He has even met with them since being home. You can see the remourse and pain in his face when he talked about them. I am in no way saying what he did was ok. But I can honestly say I think he would trade a longer prison sentence if there was a miracle way that the outcome for the family was better. He has a job but has also set up time to go to local schools and colleges to talk to students about the dangers of drinking and driving. Which to me speaks volume on how he isn't afraid to admit he did wrong . He said if can help more family get home safe then he would tell a thousand kids he mistake. Im going to take him up on his offer for a second date And who knows what will happen from there
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male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (19 August 2017):
If you believe in redemption and second chances then there is no reason for you not to date the guy.
On the other hand I have friends who are cops. One was an accident investigator. He once asked if you would forgive someone who got drunk took a shotgun out into the street and started firing blindly at cars because that is essentially what drunk drivers do with cars. Now his view may have been skewed by the carnage he had seen drunk drivers caused over the years but it's something to think about.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2017): In this dilemma you might think of stepping out of the situation and leaving him to find a mate who has similar experiences or no qualms at all about his background.Yes he has been impeccably honest and you could agree to stay friends or move on as you wish.Those five years are part of his experience of life now and a certain notereity will follow onCompasion does not mean that you can agree on the first date that he is your future husband.There have been many campaigns to prevent drinking and driving and he doesnt need to go into schools for 'been there and done that experience sharing!'The parents of the damaged child could probably tell a more heartfelt story as they live with the heartache forever, over and above his remorse.The problem could arise when you have kids.This man will experience joy and a rush of overwhelming guilt!I agree with his honesty now at this stage in his life but also as you are untainted with negative regrets and as you have no way of knowing if he is a lifetime soulmate or not I think you could do yourself a favour and agree that it isnt fair that you should be in this situation when you are so marginally connected.Sometimes people take kindness for weakness and you have no way of knowing if he will partly despise you for being casual about an event of major significance in his life.Maybe he should b dating someone else!Sometimes karma doesnt allow compassion to propel you into coupledom.You can try but the kickback is that things dont always work out!This event may be a defining point of his life and may lead him on many pathways but whether or not you can brush it off as unimportant is another matter!If you have a connected circle of friends it is possible that you could disconnect and reconnect at a later date if necessary.There is no harm in being the one that got away if thats what your decision is.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (19 August 2017):
 I wouldn't date him if I were you. Not because that would be my way of "punishing" him but because he's spent 5 years in prison, he's destroyed a child's life and you have no idea the baggage that he has with him. I see that a lot of aunts have argued in his favour and said that he deserves forgiveness but you have no obligation towards him. You shouldn't have to start a relationship with him knowing his past and then maybe regretting later.
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male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (19 August 2017):
 YES do date this man, I would have no problem with you dating him, If you were my child and came to me telling me the same thing as you have posted here I would tell you this, I would as tell you to take your time and get to know him, This man could be the best man ever or could be a time bomb, If on his date with you he had 1 drink and then drove you home I would say he has not learned his lesson, but I think that goes for anyone that drives home after having drink and not just the people that were unlucky to have an ascendant,There are many people that drink too much and drive home regular and are just lucky they make it home without the slightest scratch and these same people would condemn this man.we get people post here all the time about their LOVER that had too much drink and cheated, I am surprised with a number of people that try to make excuses for that lover and put it down to the drink,
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2017): Although at least the guy was honest, ask yourself this. Can you not find a guy without that kind of a history and all that baggage?Personally, if I knew a guy went to prison for that long, drove a car drunk and under the influence and crippled an innocent child, I would be pretty turned off. It is not like he shop lifted. He actually changed a child's life (and the child's family) forever with his irresponsible, selfish actions. His actions show a lot about his character, his integrity, his conscience. He was drunk when he crippled the child but he CHOSE to drink alcohol and he CHOSE to go behind the wheel of a car. Which means he is RESPONSIBLE for hurting this child by making such poor, thoughtless and irresponsible choices. What kind of a partner would this be? If he is not much of a good, decent man? I don't care if he paid for his choices. Or did his time. That does not excuse the fact he chose to drive drunk. It does not excuse the fact he did the crime. So, a murderer is sorry and repents for killing another person. He did his time in jail and is up for parole. So, it's all ok that another human being is dead and gone because of him because he is sorry? Because he did time in jail? Now, I am not trying to judge but let's be honest, we all do. Especially when it comes to letting someone into our lives. We want somebody who is worthy of us. If he was somebody you were interviewing for a job, please be honest, would you hire him knowing this? Probably not. Especially when the next applicant had the same or better credentials without a criminal record.Every time you look at him you will always see what he did. He crippled a child. He drove drunk. He was in jail. You will eventually resent him and look down on him. And question your choice of such a man. Better to stay away from him.
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female
reader, holeymoley  +, writes (18 August 2017):
 This man has done his time, personally how long should he be punished for what clearly he is genuinely remorseful? He is trying to do make good of what he had done and I think that shows great strength of character- putting himself out there to be be known as 'THE GUY' that did that. Good people make poor choices. I know of a similar situation how ever this person was not drunk behind a wheel but still resulted in a death by not following protocol in a highly intense work situation- wonderful and brilliant guy. Hopefully this turns out for both of you.
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reader, Riot2017  +, writes (18 August 2017):
BIG RED FLAGS AHEAD.#1 - Drinking while driving, bad habit#2 - Alcoholism. Yes, that is a habit very hard to remove.#3 - Crippling a kid for driving while drunk.#4 - Five years in prison. However, you need to be aware of the following. You may think that he is a nice chap, but you haven't seen his true colors yet. You haven't seen him angry, or haven't seen how he handles problems and high stress situations. You don't know if he is an abusive person. You don't know if he is really over his alcoholism, and you don't know how traumatized he came out of prison.Jail is a place that can turn normal and innocent people into the worst version of themselves. We are all human, and we all make mistakes. Some mistakes affect negatively other people's lives. We all deserve second, third, and n-th chances in life. However, that doesn't means you should spend your youth trying to change a man with that kind of past. You are very young, and I think you can find a very healthy man out there that you don't have to change nor save from his past.Best luck!
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (18 August 2017):
Sending hugs. Really really tricky situation to be in and a very difficult decision to make.
We all make mistakes in life. It is just that most of us "get away with it" because we manage not to have an accident or kill anyone (or injure them to an extent their life will never be the same again, as in this man's case). There but for the grace of God and all that.
The way I would look at this would be, if I really liked the guy, I would give him a chance. Dating him is not a final decision. You can change your mind at any time down the line if you feel, for ANY reason, you no longer want to be with him. You will only get to know him better by spending time with him. Don't fall into the trap of being his therapist though. That is not what your relationship should be about.
Good people sometimes make bad decisions. One bad decision does not make him a bad person. I would give him a chance, always knowing that I could change my mind if I discovered anything I was not comfortable with.
Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2017): Personally I wouldn't, no. Not when there are plenty of other fish in the sea that don't have all that unnecessary baggage. On the other hand even good people sometimes do stupid things especially when they're young.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 August 2017):
 There are a lot of cons to dating someone who has spent time in prison and who HAS a criminal record.
He might also NOT be dealing well with what happened. Some people hide that well. One of my nieces dated an old school friend (from high school) who spend 7 years in prison for driving drunk and ending up in an accident that killed his own brother. They were ALL drunk (4 people in the car, 2 injured and one killed) and ALL high as well. He "felt" that he was not as drunk as the rest and got behind the wheel. BIG mistake. FATAL mistake.
Anyhow. My niece spent the most part of 18 months helping him "ease" back into society, into a job, into AA etc. etc. His own family has chosen NOT to help him. He cheated on her, he went on a couple of drunken binges, did drugs with some friends from his past and she stood by him until he hit her. Now he blamed the accident, the alcohol, HER for all this - not taking responsibility at all. and she ended it (thankfully).
He is now with a violent ex-GF who also does drugs so I have no doubt he is back doing drugs with her. the guy was 17 when the accident happened - 18 when he went to jail and 25 when he got out, MENTALLY and EMOTIONALLY he was still being a "stupid" teenager. I think mostly because he refused to deal with what happened. He refused help.
So that CAN happen too. The dude my niece dated wasn't a "bad guy" but he just wasn't the kind of partner she (or anyone) needs. He NEEDS to work on himself. Which I doubt he will.
She didn't "SEE" most of the bad stuff with him because she was trying (too) hard to give him the benefit of the doubt. To not be judgemental. And she ended up with a black eye and out of several $1,000 that she helped him with, that she will never see.
I'm not saying the guy you have met is a bad guy or potentially a bad guy. He is a guy who made a HUGE error in judgment that cost another kid his future.
It sounds like this guy (as opposed to my niece's ex) takes responsibility for his actions and is TRYING to make amends in any way he can. Talking to teens about NOt driving drunk is SO much better coming from a guy like this or a person who survived instead of "older" people just saying don't do it because it's stupid and illegal...
I also think it was VERY classy of him to tell you about it and leave it up to you to decide. This is not something anyone wants to find out AFTER they get deeply involved.
Should YOU give him a second chance? THAT is up to you.
As a school teacher being with a CONVICTED felon (because he is one) can be a problem and it might not be one.
There is no shame in deciding it's TOO much for you to handle and there is no shame in thinking he might be a good partner, regardless of his past.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2017): He is a spokesman against drinking and driving and seeking his redemption by helping kids. He has proven that he has remorse and taken responsibility for his actions. He has paid a debt to society for the harm he has done.
Unfortunately, none of these things will make the child he injured walk again, or have normal brain function. That was due to his careless irresponsibility.
We all deserve forgiveness. People make mistakes, and even God forgives the most humongous mistakes. However; forgiveness is not a reason to date someone with a past that will haunt him for the rest of his life. That mistake can be forgiven, but not forgotten. That's the only problem.
I guess what I'm saying is this. You can date him if you feel he has repaid his debt to your satisfaction. If you look at it from the person who was injured by his drunken carelessness; he couldn't really do enough to repair and repay what has cost that child a life-time.
Let your conscience be your guide.
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