A
female
age
41-50,
*tarla
writes:I have been with my fiancee for nearly three years - we got engaged at New Year this year. He has an adorable little girl who I love too. When we got together we had a lot of problems with his ex (we still do) refusing to move on and we have had a lot of insecurity issues on both sides. He feels sometimes he isn't good enough for me and I have caught him sending flirty Facebook messages a few times which has given me trust issues.I thought we had come through all that though and after we got engaged, all was amazing with him saying let's set a date. Then I list my job at the end of Jan and everything changed.He became gradually distant, really angry with me over money and constantly complaining about how tight things are financially and how we never do anything - generally just making me feel guilty.Things were awful for a bit, him shouting at me and stuff. Anyway I started my new job three weeks ago and I thought it'd get better but.... he seems just as distant.Trust issues have reared their head and I hate myself for that as I don't want to be a clingy girl friend who restricts him.I can't explain it really, he just seems less into me as he was, seems to constantly on Facebook and his phone, never contacts me in the day anymore like he used to, isn't as affectionate and just seems miserable about money still eve n though I am paying for us all incl his daughter, to go abroad and do everything fir him.Basically my question is this - he seems to be displaying all the classic signs of not wanting to be with me any more but when I talk to him about how I feel he's not into our relationship, he denies it and when I ask him does he still feel the sane, he says yes - has anyone else had this where their partner says all the right things but acts the opposite and doesn't make any effort?I am confused....
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 May 2013):
 Pardon me for being cynical, but, if you pay for him AND his daughter , everything including trips abroah, it stands to reason that he'd say : Oh no, everything is perfectly fine , I still want to be with you. If he says he does not, and you leave him- his income is drastically reduced in a moment where he seems to need it.
Look at the actions, not at the words.
Talk about blessings in disguise !, if you had not lost your job in January, you would have not seen his spiteful, aggressive, stingy side, and perhaps you would have got bad surprises AFTER your marriage.
I think that you are justified in not trusting him, and regardless of Facebook and stuff, I think maybe, before this crisis, you just did not know the real him which is slowly emerging now and making him NOT the man you wanted to marry.
I understrand that you do not want to be impulsive and jump to conclusions, and want to wait this change out to see if it's a moment of crisis or the shape of things to come . But, at least, postpone the marriage for quite a while- until you have a clearer picture and feel of the situation.
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (11 May 2013):
 Hi
You shouldn't really be having problems with his ex after 3 years, that doesn't help your relationship.
He has also shown his bad side when you lost your job, no support just giving you a hard time.
Why are you paying for ALL of you to go on holiday. Are he and his ex so short of cash that *you* have to pay for their daughter? Nice gesture on your part, yes, and if you volunteered to then you can't complain, nor can you buy love. Your already paying for him so the least he/they can do is contribute towards their daughter.
Why do you do 'everything' for him - is he incapacitated in some way or just bone idle?
Don't even contemplate marrying him yet, the simple fact a grown man is on Facebook or his phone, constantly - rings alarm bells. You need to address all your concerns, don't let him fob you off.
His actions are speaking volumes.
I wouldn't trust him.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89  +, writes (11 May 2013):
 Actions speak louder than words and perhaps he is trying to push you away, whether subconciously or whatever. He needs to address the reason why he is acting this way towards you.
Every issue doesn't go away with marriage and they need to be worked through and dealt with. Have you considered counseling? Some time apart?
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (11 May 2013):
 Clearly there is something going with your boyfriend and your relationship with one another. I think this should give you pause before marrying him -- especially if road to the altar has been as rocky as yours.
Marriage doesn't make anything easier -- trust issues don't magically go away, and it doesn't mean he'll be a perfect lover and an attentive husband. If anything, marriage puts new stresses on the relationship. Not only are you together emotionally, but legally and financially.
While there isn't anything definite to go on here in regards to what his motives are, I do think the simplest solution is to bring your concerns to the table. As scary as that may sound, I think it will eventually lead to the truth. Take some one-on-one time and tell him how you are feeling and that you are worried about "us". Make sure he is still on board and his feelings are still strong. We all go through ups and downs in our relationships, and you need to make sure this is a temporary lull or he's having major second thoughts.
I would also encourage you to consider seeing a marriage counselor -- one who specializes in pre-marital counselling. Having someone analyze how you communicate and your history may give you insight into whether you are making a terrible mistake or whether you will have a lot of work to do.
I think also, given your history, you take some time and really decide for yourself if this is the man of your dreams. If you still have trust issues after all this time, you will likely remain haunted by them even after you are married. Ask yourself if this is really the man you envisioned yourself marrying... and honestly answer the question.
Eddie
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