A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I made an account on linked-in few months ago. This guy added me. And we started talking. He asked for my Whatsapp. And at first I did not give him my whats app number, but then, after few weeks, I asked him to message me. So, we started messaging. At first, I never bothered replying soon. But then slowly we became closer. He confessed that he has never spoken to a girl like me before. He is usually a quiet person etc and speaks to the point. We shared many intimate conversations. Then he asked me out to the movies. We went to watch movies, and he was heads over heels with me. He complimented and did a lot for me. And after that date, he kept saying "I wish you were here with me etc" and everything was great. However, few dates after that date, he booked a boxing ticket $ 100 and told me that his brothers are going to be there, and he wants me to look stunning in front of them. He told me that he is gonna buy me heels so that I look good. He said he wants to impress his brothers so that they like me and that way it would be easier for us in long term. I said "All cool". On our 3rd date he goes "We make out alot but don't talk much" Anyways, he asked me out twice a week after that date... then he asked me to send photos without makeup etc and I sent him off... Then he took 2 weeks holidays from work to take me out to other places. But when he took me out during his 2 week break, his mood seemed a bit off. First, he turned up 2 hour late (reason: he slept in). Then he takes me out. We decided to sit on a bench. He doesn't even look at me then when we sat on grass, he starts making out. After that he asks all those weird questions "What if things don't work ou, what would you" or "Ok so what if my brothers don't like something about you... will you change that". Anyways the following date, he started picking on my flaws. He said I have cracks on my feet and I should put cream on. He said I need to run alot since I have a bit of belly etc Note : during those 2 weeks, he had always been late to dates. The next date he again comes late (reason:traffic) , he seemed a bit off, he bought me heels (to impress brothers) and then goes "Remember I told you to get me milkshake? You didn't?" I was like "You didn't tell me today" he goes "Everytime I see you I want you to get me milkshake. It is gonna cost you 5 bucks.." and then after he dropped me home, he calls me up and picks up a fight and accuses me of spreading his secret behind his back. Anyways I got angry and I told him that he should let me go if he doesn't like me and that I will return those shoes. And he started apologizing and getting all sweet and nice. So I took him back.After that I started to realise that he backed off a bit with texting. He would message once a day instead of always talking to me.The next date I met his brothers. They were very nice. He seemed extra caring. He would hold my bag when walking... and he took good care of me. He was more affectionate and nice etcBut then after that day everything went downhill. His texting slowed down. It frsutrated me and I would keep texting to find answers...and asked several times if he lost interest. He did make plans to see me... we saw each other... but we both didn't feel that same spark as earlier in the relationship. Then oneday he told me that we both need more time and reassess our relationship. We should be patient and not get frustrated. He said that he likes me alot, but there is no emotional connection... and we can develop that by talking. I agreed. But everytime I text him he would not reply back properly... So I started to think he is playing games. He kept telling me we need time. Then oneday I had a fight and he said "Ok maybe we should take a break ...and see what the future holds for us... if not then atleast we can be good friends" ... he said we can talk whenever but not see each other at the moment. I said Ok and after that day his texts slowed down drastically. He wouldn't message for days and days till I message him... He would reply to my message but then not reply to the follow up reply. Now it is pretty much a dead end relationship... I asked him if he is seeing someone else, he said "No I don't have a new gf... I have you"//// It's been 2 days now that I have left him alone competely alone as he hasn't responded to my last message.My friends think he thinks low of me because 1. I don't have a job nor a license.. or either 2. Someone said something bad about me which made him pull away...I can't do much... but I need help on how I can fix up this relationship.... I am thinking of sending him a nice ecard on new years eve... and flowers to his workplace on valentines day...regardless of how much contact he makes...
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 December 2013):
 It sounds like you did not pass the brothers' test with flying colours, after all... Since he was so obsessed with you impressing his brothers ... and then he distanced himself after the fateful meeting....
I don't even understand why you would be so keen in fixing things with this guy. He seems to be insanely - and offensively- preoccupied with the opinion of his brothers , who, btw, must be some huge foot fetishists ...the heels ... cracked feet ...( tell me what guys worry about a brother's gf cracked feet ! And we are in December now anyway, do you plan going to the beach with them ?:)
I would not bother tryng to " fix " anything. First, the guy is not that into you, if he were he would be proud of how you are and how you look, he would not feel the need to patch you up somehow before showing you to his family. Second, he sounds rude and overbearing. Always late on dates.. the milkshake thing ( although, we can't accuse him of being cheap, because he volunteered to spring out for your shoes ). Third, you agree that there's not much communication between you, you mostly make out, so the attraction is / was ? mostly physical. Fourth, I think you could not fix it anyway , his is the typical M.O. of a guy who puts a not too suitable gf on the back burner ,while he is looking for someone new. No calls, no attentions, no dates... but, in the meantime, he knows that there is still someone handy there, waiting for him, just in case.
Forget about nice cards and Valentines, ( Valentines ' Day is two months from now ! Do you really plan to stay two months slow -cooking on the back burner ?! ), ditch the guy and... comfort yourself that at least you've got new shoes from all this :)
A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (19 December 2013):
 Some excellent feed back from WiseOwlE.
Yes, this man was incredibly presumptuous. He may in fact have been attracted to you right off the bat, but he obviously wanted to make you over into something that was his ideal woman - i.e., what someone who dated him should wear and should look like. He wasn't really accepting YOU as YOU ARE. Manipulative (Even if, in his mind he meant well. Still, that is no excuse.
He wanted you to meet his brothers - probably to see if they approved of you.
In your shoes I wouldn't bother sending a "nice ecard on New Year's Eve" and I certainly would not send flowers to him on Valentine's Day. I don't think he'd appreciate it, and in any case, to spend that kind of money when you don't have a job (you're not independently rich now, are you?) would be going overboard and I doubt if he'd appreciate it or show respect......focus on getting yourself together to get a good job, rather than worrying about him!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2013): You never said you were ever officially made this guy's girlfriend. Although he was unbelievably presumptuous.
Oddly, you allowed him to be considerably critical and very personal. He inappropriately pointed out very sensitive details about you; and crossed quite a few lines you just don't cross out of simple courtesy and respect.
Who the hell are his brothers anyway? Who are they to judge you? They don't even know you. It's one thing to politely offer carefully considered pointers. It is another to purchase clothing and offer unsolicited beauty consultation to a lady you are only dating; and don't have the pea-sized nuggets to make your girlfriend. I could punch him in the nose and pummel him with a hundred water balloons.
You're worried about him texting you back!!! Seriously!!?
He decided to give you the "Pretty Woman Makeover Treatment;" before he decided to take you before the panel of judges. How dare he!!! I hope the heels were "Gucci" or
"Louis Vuitton." Only that would justify the nerve.
You may be out of a job, and may not have a license. You are not out of your mind. You deserve respect, and you have dignity as a person. Don't you let anyone peer down their nose at you.
This guy may have good qualities. However; he is a neurotic flake. He is moody, critical, image-conscious, and rude. I hope you picked out the heels. If he was too good at it, you better worry. You may only be his "beard." (Definition:
a woman used by a gay man to appear straight.)
Then he dismisses you until he feels the urge to grace you with his acknowledgement and presence.
I have no problem with the decreased use of social media messaging; as long as it is replaced by phone calls and in-person visits. He seems to have done you well in that respect. Well, up to now.
He even showed his interest okay. Only at the start. Then it was like you were casting for a role in a movie or play. You had to get a screen test and go before panel review.
All this, and you've never seen the casting couch? Ouch!!!
Of course you take a prospective girlfriend to meet friends and family. That's to be expected. You don't prep her like you picked up some anonymous frump off the street to give a make-over, and discard her if she doesn't make the cut.
If you want to fix it. Put your foot down.
Without being defensive or over-dramatic; tell him that you don't appreciate the blatant disrespect and personal scrutinizing.
Let him know that you don't mind constructive criticism; but as a "friendly acquaintance," he has used up his quota for the time being.
You will let him know when his beauty consulting services are required. Compliments will suit you just fine.
Then let him know if he needs time to think that over, he can consider no further contact necessary; until he has a full understanding of what you've said, and has a proper apology in mind.
Then, if he never calls you back. Bask in your self-made closure and realize you stood up for yourself and preserved your dignity. He has to respect your feelings, and see you as a person. Not his makeover prodigy and pet-project.
I'm gay. Girlfriend, my gaydar is picking up heavy signal feedback!
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