A
female
age
36-40,
*lexia846
writes:I wanted to ask for an opinion of dating. I used to be in an abusive relationship for five years before enough was enough (called me fat when I was 128 and 5"3 - spit on me controlled me and I gave him everything) I walked away I hopes of finding a kinder man that would love me for me not for my degrees and my looks and my boobs body etc. I changed my hair I lost even more weight got my masters degree and I feel even worse. I started dating joined a dating site but everyone I meet seems like they just want sex or to use me. I feel so discouraged I even work in sales and my coworkers always pick on me and tell me "you like geeky guys they don't like platinum blonds they like plain woman" is this true? I can't take care of myself because the men I find attractive wont like me for me and my personality? I also see that the men in my office are money hungry men/ cheaters that go home and pretend that nothing happened - is this what is out there. I feel so discouraged and worthless that I'm starting to believe that I need a man that is more capable of me financially. Because I'm so afraid that I won't go far in life - I have my looks but they do nothing I had my education and masters and my job I still feel like I can't make something of myself that the only investment going forward is to marry smart since apperantly there is no such thing as unconditional love and since my innocence had been ruined and my niceness taken for granted - does anyone have any suggestions - I am 27 I have my life in tract education - 10k in savings-and looks I guess but I feel so uncapable of anything - and I don't know how to even approach dating?
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (21 December 2013):
Dear OP,
You've been given great advice. The only thing I want to add is completely ignore your coworkers advice and never complain to them again about being single. Really, women can suck at giving dating advice, they often don't have an objective view. As far as I know men (I am not an expert, but okay) no guy would be "I think she's got a pretty face, but that platinum blonde.. ugh.. I so don't like that style, I could NEVER date her".. I suppose guys are much more simple in that department. They kind of seem to like longer hair and short skirts, but other than that, they're no style experts. My bet is that most "geeky" guys who'd like you for everything you are, would be too shy to approach you. So maybe you can make it easier for them. Don't just wait to be found by the right man, but also help those you'd like to know. Ask them little questions, start a conversation, smile. Okay, now I added two things, but that's it. Don't give up!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2013): So many fellow-singles write about exactly what you are. You are in search of a male companion, and possible lover.
More down the road, if all goes well.
Loyal, sweet, appreciative, exciting, accepting, generous, and kind in all respects. Masculine and comfortable in his own skin.
If you haven't found him, it's because you don't believe he exists. So you walk around with a bad attitude.
You listen to all that stupid crap people say to confuse and mock you. Don't listen to those jerks. Are they the older females with fat balding husbands? They hate you for your youth and potential. They wish they were in your shoes.
The fact is, like all that is precious; good men are rare and difficult to find. It doesn't mean they do not exist. It doesn't mean that you will never find yours. He is out there making his way to you.
There are things in your destiny yet to materialize that will put you in the right place at the right time. You are in control, but you have to stop being so impatient and
pessimistic about your life. Get a grip girlfriend. I mean seriously!
I mean that it takes time. It also takes trial and error. No matter how wonderful we may think we are, we also have to pass the criteria set by other people. You can throw your profile out there, and demand that all takers show your faces. If only it were that simple. Reset your timer and continue self-improvement.
Learn to love yourself, accept being your own friend; and stop seeing being alone, as being lonely. You don't need any man, you want one. You want to share your time and create a life-story. Change that attitude, and resist the urge to bitch about your lack of success in the dating area. You are putting up blocks and your attitude comes across as off-putting to men.
Success comes from perseverance. You remain available and receptive. You believe you will find him, and you will.
I like both of the previous answers ahead of mine. They are extremely insightful; and even gave me a kick in the pants.
I suggest that you give that suggestion offered by So Very Confused serious consideration. I am gay, but have a weak-spot for nerds. They are smart and unpretentious. They appreciate the attention and will invite you into their world without hesitation.
You just have to understand that their brains are their control centers; and you have to reel them in now and then, so they realize they are human and not androids. They have a heart of gold and brains of steel. Not bad in bed either.
I love my nerd friends. I have also dated a few. They were a little insecure in the social department. I am a very social person. That's why they are friend-zoned. There were many great benefits exchanged, I should add. They are all on speed-dial; and never miss an invite to my parties.
They appreciate me, as I do them. I teach them how to do things manually. They keep me technology-literate. Cute as buttons they are! Two found boyfriends. One is still available. Sorry, he's gay too!
You can settle for immediate gratification. That includes losers, players, and freeloaders. Or, you can date a variety of types. Enjoy "companionship" and not cast your net to trap a boyfriend; until you find the right specimen possessing the right qualities. That takes patience, and you have to ignore the cling-gene.
Stop putting yourself down, and the "L" floating in a bubble over your head will disappear. You can't see it,
but it appears when you have self-doubt. Men see it like the boy who sees dead people.
You are your worst critic. The message below says it all:
"Is there such a thing as a man loving you unconditionally?"
You say you feel attractive and good about yourself. This and that.
You don't mean it. You're frustrated, cynical, and bitter.
So the love-gods steer good guys out of your way, for their protection and your punishment.
Self-deprecation is unattractive, low self-esteem glows like a neon sign, and making choices out of desperation is like walking on glass in your bare feet.
Take yoga to calm yourself and find poise. Relax, and lose all that negative energy. You have good qualities; but you swing them at men like a sack of potatoes. Ease up. Smile. Use your charms, and don't be defeated by failure or rejection. There's an obstacle course life puts before us as we work our way to the person meant for us. You give up, and you'll become a mean male-bashing single little old lady. You'll get a cat and believe they're better than people. Sometimes that's true; but they don't buy you dinner. They give you dirty looks. It's God's mercy they can't say what they're thinking. They'll destroy your self-esteem.
Men will start to take notice, when you start to give off a different vibe. Confidence. Self-appreciation. The air that you're available to great guys with an eye for the right kind of lady. Losers and players need not apply.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 December 2013):
 If you like geeky smart nerdy guys I can tell yo where to meet them...
GAMING cons. board games. very social, very interactive. and the gaming community loves everyone. many of the guys have poor social skills but they have hearts of gold and minds like steel traps. A large gaming con (the one I met my husband at in Lancaster PA hosts 1500 people every year from 17 different countries) is like a cross between a brain trust and a meeting of the Asperger's Association.
There are good guys out there... and living your life well and for you is the key...
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 December 2013):
 The only portion of your submittal that "needs" a response is this phrase:
"....I feel so discouraged and worthless that I'm starting to believe that I need a man..."
THAT, Dear Lady, is the formula for guys to take advantage of you.... use you for $*x and mistreat you....
Specifically, consider this (my) view of that phrase:
1. You are discouraged because you have met some jerks via dating sites. SO WHAT??? You can also meet lots of guys who are jerks at a local bar, a grocery store, at Home Depot.... Being discouraged is OK... but don't make it a big issue in your quest for companionship. WHEN you DO meet a nice guy, you are likely to say: "Whew, I was getting discouraged, there... and I'm glad I waited for this, nice guy, to come along."
2. You are NOT "worthless"... REGARDLESS. Damn, Lady... WHO is qualified to judge YOU as "worthless??????" You're a smart, attractive, personable woman (at least, that's how you described yourself...)... so what's with "worthless"... EXCEPT as your cop-out based on your being frustrated that "Mr Right" hasn't yet appeared.... BE PATIENT... (and don't believe that waiting is grounds for you to compromise your opinion of yourself!!!!).
3. "... that I NEED a man"????? Are you crazy???? A woman "needs" a man about the same as a FISH needs a BICYCLE!!!!! Don't fall in to the trap of believing that a MAN, as a friend or partner or mate or spouse, can add a darn thing to your life, EXCEPT and UNLESS he WANTS (to do so) and YOU ALLOW him in to your life, to do so.....
Good luck...
P.S. If - and when - that guy DOES say to you that he "..loves you unconditionally"... don't be too quick to believe him... since we guys will say most anything to get your girls to remove your clothes!!!!!
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