A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys, i have a bit of a problem, but doesn't everyone who writes on here!Anyway, i am with this guy, i love him very much, we have been together for almost 11 months, he's lovely, i love pretty much everything about him. There are just a few things i find extremely frustrating. 1 - His lack of confidence2 - His parents3 - Gaming!Basically his lack of confidence is his reason for not getting a full time job, he works weekends and thats it, does not have a car, and will not fork out money for a bus or taxi. Which then means i have to do the running around, as i am working full time and i do have a car. I get a bit fed up with it to be honest, and if i decide perhaps i fancy a night in, he gets funny about it, trying to make me feel guilty for not going to see him.I'm not saying his parents are nasty, they are actually really nice, specially his mum. Only problem is they are the kind of people that insist on family meals, ALL the time! I find this frustrating because it then limits the amount of time i get to spend with the bf. I actually have to wait til he's had dinner to be able to see him, its not like we ever go out for dinner together, he says his mum will get annoyed and become really annoying, so we never go out for meals or anything like that.Now gaming, thats got to be the number one frustration! Now i said before 'HIS' reason for not getting a full time job is his lack of confidence, now i will say his confidence is actually shocking, BUT i believe the real reason for him not even trying to get a full time job, or even more hours where he works now, is his gaming, he is completely addicted to gaming, he is always gaming, everyday he'll be on there hours, i've actually gone round to his place after work, after he's had dinner, because 'he's' invited me, and basically he'll say a quick hello at the door then run straight upstairs sits in his chair and carries on with his game, i am then left to stand behind him and watch until he decides he's had enough, not that you know he wants to see me or anything. Probably wondering why am i with him if he makes me feel like this. Thing is when he's not gaming and when his parents aren't in the way, he's lush! Like i said, i love him, i really truely love him, just probably without the parents and the gaming, and maybe more if he got off his ass and got a job and a car. He says so many nice things to me and we do get on very well. I've actually told him how i feel, but nothing reaaally seems to have changed, for sure the dinner thing hasn't changed, i mean he's 21, i'm pretty sure he could manage to get himself dinner, he's just a lazy sod and i believe thats the real reason for the dinner problem, as well as the gaming, he's gotten too comfortable with the way things, and so is putting off getting a job. Please give any advice! I need help, do i stay or do i go?? Do i give it a chance, see if he changes?Anything is much appreciated! :)x
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female
reader, mizz.butterflies  +, writes (28 April 2010):
 oh come on girl...dont let this little holiday treat make u forget about the problems! this guy is smart. some days off do not delete all the other days he makes u feel like shit. have fun on ur holiday but when u get back just try the things i tell u. be a little tough. it never hurt anyone. Oh ans during the holiday dont start having long conversations about how he behaves. MEN LISTEN TO ACTIONS NOT WORDS.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYea i suppose thats true and thats what i've been thinking about, i do realise it is his day to day routine, and i guess he obviously isn't that bothered about having a girlfriend or changing his 'routine'. I think my problem is the things he says to me, makes me think completely differently. Cause he's the 'good guy' type, he says a lot of nice things to me, tells me he loves me all the time, but my thoughts are, if he really loved me as much as he says, why doesn't he want to spend more time with me, and if he does want to, why doesn't he do something about it.
I guess he's just too comfortable with the way he has it at the moment. He's got his mum for food, he's got his weekend job for that bit of money, he's got his video games to occupy him, so why the need for a girlfriend, i guess to satisfy his 'other' needs.
I do realise what i should do, i should say enoughs enough, i'm off. But its so hard. Specially now he's booked this holiday, cause he's paid for it as well.
AHH!! I fell hard for him at the start of the relationship, i guess now its gone as far as its going to go.
Cheers guys.
Anything else to add, please do, all advice welcome! :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for the feedback.
I've got another problem now though, he's gone and booked us a holiday in 3 weeks, to spend a week together, i think he's caught on to the fact that i'm getting frustrated, so now i'm a little confused. What do i do?
I was thinking that perhaps if i go on this holiday and see how we are together without any distractions, no video games, no family around (his or mine), and we'd be together all the time so i wouldn't have to do the running around. What do you think?
And by the way, i've never said that his parents are the problem, i do like the fact that he spends time with his family, its just the fact that its 'every' night.
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A
female
reader, It's all be okay +, writes (26 April 2010):
You should always assume that your boyfriend does not change.
You are saying:
* he lives at home and has dinner with his family every night, without you, and you have to visit him after that
* he always expects you to visit him, as he has no job and no car - he never makes the effort to visit you
* he plays computer games constantly, even when you have just arrived to visit him he will return and play a computer game instead of welcoming you, and making you a nice cup of tea and having a chat
What's going to make him change????? Nothing! His life is perfect. He's at home, fed by his mother, enjoying company at home, not short of any money, no need to get a job, and enjoying his computer games, doesn't even need to go out to see his girlfriend, as she arrives at his home when he wants her to, and waits patiently while he finishes his game.
This man is a child, irresponsible, selfish, and is not going to change.
Dump him and find a grown up.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (26 April 2010):
 I don't think his parents are a problem at all and you should not blame them. Being family oriented is a good example to set and don't feel the parents are wrong in trying to have family time. Now the gaming is a problem and there is not much you can do about it. He has to see there is a problem and after he recognize that there is a problem than he can seek help for his addiction. My suggestion is for you to save yourself from pain, headache and tear and to leave him and start fresh with someone new, someone without any addiction, because unfortunately you can't help anyone who can't see he has a problem. To have a chance in this relationship he has to recognize he has a problem and that he wants a change in his life, till than there is not much anyone can do for him.
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A
female
reader, Keira9312 +, writes (26 April 2010):
 If i could say anything right now, it would be to find someone else. You would risk too much by staying with a man with whom you could marry; he would most likely leave the hard work to you. It seems that he isn't quite the right match, given that you have stated things you don't really like about him. Find someone that you do love entirely, someone who keeps up their half of the bargain, and who respects what you desire from him. No one would want to be living with a man who doesn't work entirely and spends the day video gaming. You deserve better than that!
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (26 April 2010):
You're trying to make your guy more responsible but it seems to me he wishes to remain in the "young boy" phase.Over here,in Greece,guys his age are JUST LIKE THAT,thats why I dont date guys under 22. After a while I have to put up with the problems you mentioned.Who wants to prepare dinner on their own when their mom does it for them?Who wants to get a job when their parents give them pocket money?And who wants to give up gaming when its so fun,responsibility-free? You cant force your boyfriend to become a man.He will in his own time. You seem very matture whilst he's the opposite.Now if you wish not to break up and stay with him...STOP COMPLAINING TO HIM.He plays video games in front of you? You leave. You don't get mad.You just say you forgot to do your laundry...or catch your fave soap opera.He tries to make you feel guilty for staying in? Hmmm.... yet he plays video games when you visit him.How fair!! Just stop seeing him when he can't come see you. Tell him times are tough and ur saving ur gas money for something. Do not negotiate. Tell him this way he'll be free to play video games while u'll be doing ur own thing. as for the meal thing....this is a tough one. Insist you eat together on saturdays.Pick some fun/intresting places where you can combine another activity. E.g IKEA (they got furniture AND cheap food)Best of luck, keep us posted.
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