A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyonePlease let me know if you think i am crazy but i went on a day out recently with the boss of a large firm.This guy has been flirting with me for ages and i agreed to go with him and his staff. I did seek assurance that i wouldnt be left with a bunch of strangers and he said he would have to mingle but he would of course look after me.Long story short, the place we went to was packed and somehow i got separated from everyone. Later i noticed numbers i didnt know on my phone. Turned out he had got various family/colleagues to phone to see where i was which i thought was weird and rude. A couple of days later his secretary text me to see how i was.I thought this was outrageous. I am not on his payroll. I would never pass someones number round without permission. We had words about it after but i didnt go crazy as he works across the street from me and i will have to see him. Ten days later he text to say he hopes we are still friends?? I dont know what to say to him
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question5 Stars Honeypie x
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 May 2015):
 It would be a total no-go for me too. Having a SECRETARY text you? That is just impersonal as can be.
And honestly, HE couldn't call you when you were "lost" he HAD time to GIVE others your phone number so THEY could call/text you, so WHY couldn't he?
Makes me think he wanted to show that even though he took you to an event' he CERTAINLY didn't make YOU a priority.
Personally, yes I'd move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Ciar and Cindycares. Thanks for taking the trouble to write so much.
Its really interesting to get a totally different perspective.
Having thought about it, I still agree with Like i see it.
I have the same attitude as her about his behaviour. Getting his people to find me when i was missing in action for at least an hour was weird at best.
I did not find it flattering as another poster wrote in the least, quite the reverse.
It took him ten days after the event to text me directly,i dont even rate a call ! I havent replied and that was a week ago now. I didnt know what to put and i dont have colleagues and family to text for me ..... how inconvenient x
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (26 May 2015):
 Dear OP:
Again, it's just a gut feeling on my part. But... he has your number, right? And you have his. So if he wondered where you were at the party, the most genuine and straightforward thing to do would be to call or text you himself. If he wanted to contact you a few days later, again, the most obvious route would be to ask you directly.
In both cases he chose to involve others, notably without any apparent consent from you that they be given your contact information.
So, where I get the control vibe is this: either he's really lazy and/or really used to delegating things and can't even be bothered to contact a potential love interest without passing the job off to others BOTH times...
OR he had others ask FOR him because he thought they might get a different answer than he would - especially the second time around. I'm guessing he assumed after the day out gone awry that you did not want to speak to him. By dragging his secretary into it, though, he gave you more of an obligation to answer (him, indirectly) because ignoring her text meant being rude to a third party who hadn't done you any wrong.
Basically, he was willing both times to compromise your privacy to get information that HE wanted from you, and he was willing to enlist the help of others for this purpose. It's worth noting that people are typically on their very BEST, impress-their-date behavior in the early days of dating/relationships, and that flaws are often camouflaged (though not perhaps not completely hidden) as well as possible in the name of making a good impression.
I'm guessing that as the head of a large firm he is used to giving orders and having others capitulate, and that particular trait isn't always so easy to selectively turn off. And I think you've now gotten a glimpse of the way that may bleed over into how he handles his personal life. Again, bear in mind this was his idea of BEST behavior.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (25 May 2015):
 I have to agree with CindyCares.
For him to have treated you as if you were on the payroll, he would have had to have assigned you tasks or sent you on errands. In other words he would have put YOU to work for him. What he did do was, just as Cindy describes, use his own staff.
Some people do that with subordinate staff. They have them performing tasks that have nothing really to do with their jobs. It's certainly not limited to corporate bigwigs, but think of those secretaries who are expected to buy the wife an anniversary gift, make hotel or restaurant reservations and arrange for flowers to be sent for a special event.
Like Cindy says, he seems to have treated you more like an esteemed guest. He didn't hand your number out to strangers, and he had a team of people watching out for you. I really don't think I would have been offended here. It really depends on the situation but nothing negative stands out for me on this one.
I too think you should give the man the benefit of the doubt and perhaps not be so quick to take offense.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 May 2015):
 Interesting question. Interesting for me , because for once I can't agree with anybody. The field is split between those who think he does not give a hoot, and those who think he is very kind and very keen, maybe too much
( controlling ). I am halfway in between, I just think that... he did more or less what was expectable due to venue and circumstances.
I'll give you my reading of the situation , just for the heck of it, since it seems you have reached your conclusions. So, FWIW :
1 ) let's not forget that this man may have been flirting with you nevertheless he invited you to go out with him AND his staff to a social event . Sort of like a GROUP outing- so that you should not feel isolated since he had warned you he would have been busy mingling and socializing.
2 ) When unluckily you got separated from all the others... that was what he was probably doing: mingling and being social. Yet, he had promised to look after you and he was concerned not seeing you around.
Now, this sounds like some sort of networking event or business convention, or the like, somewhere anyway where he'd be schmoozing with work contacts, or buttering up potential customers, or stuff like that. Half pleasure half business , let's say. In these circumstances , it would be bad form , ( and a bit awkward and funny ) if
" the boss " or a business man anyway, while developing contacts , would have shown himself concerned about PERSONAL guests and looking around for his belle ( or perspective belle ). That's why he must have said to his staff / friends : please see if you can find me Ms.XYZ. Sort of making it less blatant, more discrete, if you know what I mean ? Sure ,there was nothing to hide, but there's a time and place for everything.
2 ) As for the phone, in this I am like you, protective of my phone- but we are old fashioned. It seems it's not so big of a deal, with Whatsapp and similar your contacts may end up on the " lists " of people which you haven't even ever seen and never will see, and theirs, viceversa. Plus, he gave it to people he knows and trusts not to be crazy stalkers ( his friends and family ) ; and plus, it was sort of an emergency, if you lose track of a person in a crowded hall or ballroom or hotel etc., - you can't very well wait for formal introductions if you want to find her FAST, right ? And don't forget that you accepted going on condition you would NOT be left alone to fend for yourself, so he figured out that his not having kept his promise might very well have rather pissed you off, and- he tried his best to correct the mistake.
So, I do not think he treated you as if you were on his payroll, NOR as if you were his romantic main squeeze ; just as if you were - what you were at the time : an esteemed GUEST that he was trying to locate . In short, I think he showed you the kind of attention that was adequate to place and event ( a social, public " do ", not a romantic setting ). Not too much and not too little.
3 ) Ahem,may I point out that you sort of brought these
" complications " on yourself ? Sure he had promised to " look after you ", and technically it was up to him to search for you ( as he punctually did , although delegating !). But, you know how they say, if the mountain does not go to Mohammed, then Mohammed will go to the mountain : could not you simply have shot him a text saying " Hey John, I got separated from the group ! I am at the main bar by the entrance, send someone over to get me back " . Ok wanting to be looked after and treated as a lady should be treated, but, when there's a "situation ", some flexibility can't hurt.
4 ) He did check on you after the fiasco of that evening, and I understand that you were miffed being contacted by
his secretary rather than him in person , but, again, don't forget that people who have secretaries USE them, routinely, for doing things, like dialing phone numbers, which us common secretary-less people do by ourselves. As a matter of fact, I never climbed the corporate ladder to the point of having my own private secretary, the best I had was sharing a 17 y.o. gopher with my colleague, and... yes, often I had her do calls or emails for me.
Moral, I think you have been rather too quick to take offense. Now, even after having exchanged " words " , he contacts you again and I think this shows he is still interested. How and if you want to respond, it's up to you; as for me, I'd give him the benefit of doubt. Maybe I'd just be very honest, I would say " Yes John, as I have already told you, obviously I did not appreciate being ditched on my own at a social do and even less that you passed my personal phone no. around , but, since I am sure I can ascribe all that to a misunderstanding, and that it won't ever happen again - yes we are still friends . So, how have you been lately ? Etc.etc. ".
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all who responded. I will take on board what you have all said.
Hi As I see it ..... wow, you feel a control vibe from his behaviour very strongly . I see from your column you have dished out some great wisdom to other posters. I cant see how you get to that from his behaviour. I thought his behaviour suggested he didnt give two hoots about what happened to me so that is food for thought x
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (24 May 2015):
 I agree with everything that the first poster said. At least he was concerned about you, its not like he was flirting with other women and that he ditched you! And being the boss of a large firm means he's used to delegating responsibility, that's why he got people to inquire after you. I dont know, I might be totally wrong but I think he sounds OK. And it looks like he really likes you...so you might give him a second chance
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (24 May 2015):
I agree with Honeypie... a guy who genuinely cares (and has no other motives) would care enough to contact you himself.
The fact that he put other people up to checking on you "anonymously" with numbers you wouldn't recognize is just plain weird.
My gut feeling is that you've narrowly missed being involved with the kind of controlling guy who checks your phone, reads your messages, demands to know where you are and who you're with, has friends report back to him on what you're up to, and constantly accuses you of cheating or trying to cheat. Because that's what kind of vibe the phone thing gives off. You are not even "his" and he's already checking up on you!
It's always best to be polite, but I think you are absolutely right to avoid romantic involvement with this guy.
Good luck and best wishes!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 May 2015):
Wow, he couldn't be BOTHERED to seek you out himself or CALL you himself? Seriously?
Honestly, I'd just be polite but NOT waste ANY MORE time on him.
No wonder this guy is single...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2015): If it was me, I would be flattered that we was concerned about me and my whereabouts. Maybe as a big boss with many people working for him he is just so used to delegating that he does it instinctively without thinking about it? It is just second nature to him. No malice intended.I think you are over reacting and making it into a situation it might not be in your own head.Why not talk to HIM about it?He will probably give you a reasonable explanation and apologize and next time you would probably see a whole other side of him. Clearly he is still interested by texting you and hoping you will still be friends.I honestly don't think he did it with bad intent. I don't think he will see it the way you do.If you can't get past this, maybe you should not allow your relationship to go any further. It appears you don't know a lot about compromise and forgiveness. You just jump to worst case scenario. Have you been single awhile? Sure seems that way to me. Either way, it appears you have made up your own mind.BUT... I think he deserves a second chance. Everybody does.It isn't as if he started flirting with other women in front of you. He did not ditch you. At least he was worried about where you were. My guess is you would have been angry at him if HE DID NOT have anyone call you to see where you were. Right? So he would have been in trouble either way it seems.Do you like him?Then give him another chance.At least his heart was in the right place. He was CONCERNED ABOUT YOU. Does that not hold any weight?But to write him off over this I think is much too premature.
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