A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married about 2 years. On April 8th I took him to the airport because he had a friend buy him a ticket out and he told me he couldn't handle my crazy life. Since he left I have gotten an awesome job, and I am making the 'single mom' life look easy. I am supporting us with no problems or help. He has called everyday to talk to our daughter since he left. He says he wants to come home now. I miss him, and I love him, but I need an outside opinion. My family, my friends, everyone is furious with him. But it is my life. I want him to come home, but my daddy always told me love is blind. I've told my husband nothing is the same except the car I drive. We've come to the understanding that whatever was our relationship when he got on the airplane. It's gone and if he comes home he is going to have to accept the things I have now made my schedule. And this time HE has to get a job too! So what do you think. Any advice is welcomed. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): I would not buy his plane ticket back to you I would make him pay his own way back and pay his friend back first.Someone said make him get a job and start over with dating.That is a good plan but I would make him wait one year at least before moving back.Why so long you ask?It is simple...It seems to me that he is only coming back because you now have a good job and that is the only reason.I bet if you told him you lost that job then he would not want to come back at all.He is like a sponge.He wants to live off of you.During that year I would also make him go to a pych.for the much needed help he needs to become productive.Do not fall for his pleading but I have nowhere to go...because if I am right that will happen.He has to learn how to be a man because right now all he is is a little boy who runs away when things get hard.That little boy has a lot of growing up to do if he is ever to become a man.I would also get a legal seperation so you are not responsible for any debt he gets during that year apart.If you do not he could bankrupt you because being married you are responsible for all his debt.He could take a credit card out and wipe you clean out of money with that.Be smart,wait that year,let him grow up,protect your assets.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): You are a very admirable person for the strength you've shown and the way you've strived to make life better for you and your daughter in your husband's absence. I'm so impressed. You are an inspiration!Your husband, on the other hand, is immature, selfish, and not committed to the relationship. What's more he crossed a line when he abandoned you. He broke the sacred vows he made to you. This is a man you'll never be able to count on. If you take him back, he'll abandon you again when the going gets tough, and it will, because that's the nature of life. You say that he loves the positive change in you...well what about him? It sounds like he's the one who needs to do some changing. He's the one who needs to man up and take some responsibility not only for what he has done, but also for the welfare of his wife and child. How pathetic of him to make his abandonment something negative about you when the truth is that the reason he left was due to some flaw in him. I imagine that, after two years of marriage, he discovered that having a relationship takes a lot of work and that was unappealing to him.I think he's a bum who doesn't want to take responsibility for anything and just wants to have fun--and he probably did while he was away from you. He got to play the bachelor again while you were struggling with a broken heart and having to take on the full financial responsibility for yourself and your child. He even had to bum an airplane ticket from a friend in order to leave. Is that not pathethic or what?And now, he wants to come home so that he can live off of you. You say you've gotten an awesome job--that is what he now finds so positive, so appealing. I'm sorry, but if you take him back, you'll soon find that whatever the relationship was before he got on that airplane is the same as it ever was. He's the same and always will be. The flaw that made him do this to begin with is still there. I know these things are probably not what you want to hear and your emotions are raw right now, but if I were you, I would not take him back. I hope that you will think about it very carefully before you decide what to do, and it looks like you are.Again, I'm so sorry that he hurt you. You deserve so much better. You deserve nothing short of being loved and cherished. Please update us on what transpires.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 May 2015):
 I have to agree with Auntie Bim.
HE now has a LOT to prove. Not only to you and your daughter but TO your family.
I would NOT let him just waltz back into the home. No, he has to GET a job and START all over with you. That means dating (yes, I know, you are legally married, BUT he ABANDONED you) - and living ELSEWHERE till he has PROVEN to you that you can do this marriage thing with him.
HE needs to prove that he is AS willing as YOU are to work his butt off to make this work. Not just come live with you because it's convenient for him to have to pay for it all.
Personally, IF my husband abandoned me, I would NOT take him back. And I will tell you why. IF he RUNS off every time things get tough, it gets old FAST. And I think it's horrible example to set for a child. Having a yo-yo for a Dad. Yes, he called and chatted while he was gone, SO WHAT? Who took care of her, feed her, clothes her, put a roof over her head, who read her books at bedtime, who put the band aid on when she fell. Now if he had LEFT to get a better job or because his family or work REQUIRED him to go, I could see him returning, but just running off? no. Not acceptable.
But THAT is me. You obviously want him in your life.
Don't let him back "in" till he has a job and has SATISFACTORY proven himself WORTHY of being in you and your daughter's lives.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2015): We have discussed that I am not the same girl. That when he left I changed, I had to be mommy and daddy, and I didn't have time to mope around and pitty and feel sorry for myself. He says he loves the change in me and he can see the difference in our conversations. We were the best friends that fell in love. He moved across country to marry me and raise my daughter as his own.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2015): We have discussed that I am not the same girl. That when he left I changed, I had to be mommy and daddy, and I didn't have time to mope around and pitty and feel sorry for myself. He says he loves the change in me and he can see the difference in our conversations. We were the best friends that fell in love. He moved across country to marry me and raise my daughter as his own.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (24 May 2015):
 Okay, I knew a young couple in kinda sorta the same situation, but they actually got divorced before he realized he had made a dreadful mistake and wanted back in.
He had to woo her. He had to show he was serious and willing to work on the relationship, and prove to her he was willing to be a good husband and father.
Your husband may not realise that the woman who said goodbye to him at the airport is not the same women he wants to come home to. Don't let him move in until he accepts the old you is gone, never to return, and that he is going to have to love and cherish the new you ........
This man has clearly demonstrated is is quite capable of pickup up and walking away from you and his daughter when the going gets tough.
Now he has to clearly demonstrate that he just as capable of being an active participant in the relationship, and he cant do that if he moves right on back in.
Tell him he needs to prove that he has the staying power to hang around when things get tough, and he needs to show that he is capable and willing to get a job to help support you all, and that he is willing to accept the 'new you'. Let him know the best way for him to do this, and get back on his feet is to live apart from the family for a period 6 months (3 months is not long enough for habits and behaviours to change, if you feel 6 months is too long make it 4), and demonstrate he is willing to change.
If you dont put any expectations on him he will not have any incentive to change.
I really hope he agrees and that it works out for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2015): I was working, and we were living with with friends. I was paying half of the bills and supporting us, but barely scraping by. Now I am making the money to support us and things are looking up. I just need an outside opinion. My friends and family are so angry because they feel like he isn't good for us. But he is my husband. And I love him.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (24 May 2015):
 From the sound of things you have this pretty well sorted out, actually. You are not wrong to hold out for changes in his behavior if you agree to take him back, and hanging on to the support system (work etc) that you've built in his absence is a SMART move, especially if he decides to check out of the relationship again without warning.
I'm a bit confused about who was supporting the family before if he didn't have a job and you didn't either, but regardless it is completely reasonable to expect that he start pulling his own weight in the household. Remember that he needs to earn your trust back, and letting him freeload before your marriage is back on its feet isn't a good idea because if he quits on you again you'll have paid his way in life with nothing to show for it.
Kudos to you for being strong for yourself and your daughter when he skipped out!
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes.
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