A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hello,i have a problem. i have been with my boyfriend for 7years. we only have sex sometimes once a week or once a month. he says it's because i've gained weight and it feels different.Can this be true?Also i sometimes think he's cheating on me, but i do trust him. Or can it be because we've been together for a long time. i do get sad over this situation. thanks for your help. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 November 2012):
 It could be a mix of several things.
Weight can be part of the issue if you have GAINED a lot and you seem or act less comfortable naked or less confident in bed.
Also after 7 years sex becomes little more of a habit then it was the first 1-2 years.
Has he not gained weight?
I would suggest you two sit down and talk, maybe try some new things in the bedroom together. Spice it up.
I'm not going to say lose weight, girl! Unless you WANT to.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (30 November 2012):
Read what kc100 said. Right on point.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 November 2012):
 I am going to tell you my story. I love my husband. He loves me. WE got married October 6. WE have been a couple for two years. I am ashamed to admit this but we still have not consummated our marriage in the legal sense. WHY? Because BOTH of us have gained a good chunk of weight over the last year. We still have lots of affection and cuddling but it’s getting hard for me to feel loved.
By a good chunk I mean 30 pounds each. WOW. Yeah. We both needed to gain about 10 and at that point things were still good.. Now we don’t have sex for a couple of reasons…
He does not feel sexy (he’s really a girl) but more importantly he gained ALL his weight in his belly and we just do NOT fit anymore. I have gained belly weight too.. HUGGING full on now with two bellied people is nearly impossible… sex even more impossible… so yes if you have gained 5 pounds it’s nothing… 15 or more.. it can affect how bodies look feel and fit… and that can be a problem. I love him and I want him… but we just can’t make it happen now… so if you have gained over 20 pounds it’s possible that it’s NOT comfortable for him to have sex in the usual sense. Perhaps trying different positions would help… if it’s a logistics thing. For example if you gained in your belly you may have to go to rear-entry positions.. NOT lovemaking in a romantic sense but it’s sex. If you gained in your back and thighs… other positions might work better than rear entry…
IF the issue is that you have gained enough that he does not find you sexually attractive any more, that’s a different kettle of fish. That you can’t blame him for to be honest. We are attracted to what we are attracted to. I love my hubby and while I would prefer him to lose about 15 pounds (and both of us would like me a bit thinner now too I think) it does not make him less attractive to me…
The other issue is “Also i sometimes think he's cheating on me, but i do trust him.” I hate to say this but you can’t think he’s cheating AND trust him… one or the other… why do you think he’s cheating… because he is not having sex with you? Or are there other things? And if there are other things how can you say you trust him?
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (30 November 2012):
 This is going to sound a little harsh, so I apologise in advance, but if you have put on weight then he might not be as attracted to you as he used to be, so that could be why your sex life has declined.
Ok so a few pounds are not going to make much of a difference, but if you have put on a lot of weight then you will have changed significantly compared to when you first met. He fell in love with the woman he first met, and he was attracted to that woman - if you are a lot bigger now than you were back then it will be hard for him to be attracted to you now.
A lot of people will say 'he should love you regardless of your size' but this simply doesnt work in the real world, if a man meets a relatively slim woman but she then gets a lot larger, why would he still feel physically attracted to her? Yes he will still love your personality, but in terms of physical attraction it is not his fault that he is struggling to find the attraction when you have changed.
Can you work on getting healthy and trying to lose a bit of weight? Part of being in a relationship means you still need to make effort for each other, you cant just let yourself go because you have been together a long time. You need to keep yourself in shape and looking good for him, because you love him and want him to fancy you. Equally he should keep in shape for you and look after himself to make sure you are still attracted to him. It works both ways.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (30 November 2012):
 'Also i sometimes think he's cheating on me, but i do trust him'
If you think he is cheating, then you DO NOT trust him or maybe it's because you feel responsible for gaining weight.
I know there are many circumstances where a partner should honour you for better or worse, but you are not married to this guy and if he isn't happy he could simply walk away from you. I think it is reasonable for him to feel 'put off' from having sex with you if you have gained weight.
Some people have a fixed idea of what they find sexually attractive and with guys it's much more of a 'physical appearance' thing, so if you have gained any amount of weight it is more likely to change how he feels about you.
Now some people would say he should love you no matter what and that it's unfair to pick on you because of your size, but clearly he has changed his perception of you so I guess it depends how much you want to win him back.
You could say 'If you can't love me whatever size I am then to hell with you and the relationship'
or
You could maybe think about getting back to the size you were when you first met and fell in love.
You have the power and you have the choice to change yourself but what you do not have is the final decision on whether he stays or goes.
If he is telling you directly that your weight is affecting the sexual side of things, then maybe it's time you listened and did something about it, because you love him don't you?
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