A
male
age
30-35,
*hatonedude22
writes:I have been with my bf for 2 1/2 years.I'm 22, his 23. He was a sweet guy and totally loveable in the beginning. I'm studying full time and I'm working part time and I currently live with my parents. I pay rent and bills and I'm getting my car soon for my birthday and I'm doing very well with my studies.I live in a semi-traditional house hold. They don't really approve of me spending the night over at a guys house where the guy barely comes over, especially if we're still living at home. My own brothers and sisters never did that when they lived with my parents. But my boyfriend doesn't have a job, no car, stays in his aunts garage and he is not studying.He always blamed me for our relationship problems because he felt I was not a real gf who came over spent the night, just be with him in general when he wants me to. Problem is I don't have a car, BUT sometimes I would go see him by catching the bus, but he would hardly accompany me, and even when I leave he wouldn't find a ride for me so I wouldn't have to catch the bus at night alone. He lives in a pretty bad area where there are gangs and drive bys. I asked him could he come by and see me sometimes so I don't have to catch the bus ALL the time to see him, but he always refused because of my parents.He was making them out to be the only people hindering me from growing up and being an adult who can see her bf anytime he wants and spend the night regardless if i live with him or not.He never compromises, but I feel I have to jump at his every command. He keeps telling me that my parents are interfering because I listen to them too much and they check on me too much, but they are just protective. It's my first relationship and he always say I'm not proving myself well enough bc I'm not spending most of my time with him even though he doesn't come by my house out of support and love for me. He doesn't even come by for holidays and expects me to come to him simply bc of my parents. They're just concerned, they are not trying to run my life as it may seem, they just want the best for me. He wants me to rebel and do exactly what he wants without him doin much of anything. We don't go out because we dont have a car so we can go too far unless we get a ride or catch the bus, it's very frustrating and he's always calling me a kid, a grown up kid with no mind or no independence to do what I want. But I do everything for him practically, there's nothing I wouldn't do. I paid for things for him, I tried getting him enrolled in college, find a job, paid for motels so he wouldn't have to sleep in the garage all the time, sacrificed class to be there for emotional support, stayed up all night calling places for him to stay like a shelter. But yet and He makes me feel I'm not doing enough and I'm not good enough.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2012): You've made a poor choice in boyfriends. This is your first relationship and you just don't see (yet) that this is not the person for you. This is not a healthy relationship. This is not a normal smart guy.
If you complied to his demands - left home, moved in with him in the garage...whatever else he thinks makes you 'grown up', do you think you would be in a better position in life? Would it help you further your education, interests, career, success, social standing??
I don't think so. It would also bring you down to a lower level. You know this. He doesn't care enough to come visit you and build a relationship with your parents, he doesn't care about your comfort and safety and he is just not willing to improve his life situation.
Honestly, what exactly are you expecting will be the end result here? You'll be highly educated and successful with a deadbeat husband? Why isn't he working part-time and going to school at least part-time? It's not difficult to do. You should not be needing to motivate him to do this.
Are you seeing him for who he really is? Lazy, full of excuses and a sad story, manipulative?
If you just can't break your co-dependence on this bad boy, then keep close to home and focus on your education. Eventually you'll mature and realize he's just not the guy for you.
When he starts being manipulative saying your not grown up, point to him not focusing on his education/career/living situation as an example of what an immature child he is.
You are doing all the right things EXCEPT dating this type of guy. He's your first, so you think all men are like this. You are wrong, you could do MUCH better. You have good parents - talk it out with them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2012): I have to say I totally disagree with CindyCares post, I don't think your boyfriend has any right to say these things to you. You are respecting your parents because you live under their roof and because you know their concerns come from a good place. My parents are the exact same and I love how our relationship is. Don't spoil the love and trust you have because he doesn't like it. He is trying to bully you into doing what he wants by making out you are in some way less of a girlfriend if you don't. That is outrageous behaviour. He is trying to control you here, and I don't know about you but I thought peer pressure went out in the 90s for people our age?! Plus you have accepted him and the fact he chooses to live in a garage so why can't he accept you are happy with your living arrangements? Its obviously up to you if you want to stay with him (I think you can do better and I think he knows it, that's why he's trying to bring you down to his 'level'), but stick to your guns when it comes to how you spend your life. If you don't want to stay with him for ANY reason, parent related or otherwise, then it's for you to decide. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 November 2012):
 Well, strangely enough, I must say I see where your bf's is coming from.
Mind you, if you where my daughter ( or son ? that's not clear because your post says male 22-25 but then you define yourself a girlfriend ) I would not countenance your dating a good-for-nothing jobless drifter who scrounges off you and sleeps in a garage. No way, I don't care how old you are- you'd have the choice between living at home and dump this loser, or else go to sleep at the shelter yourself.
BUT, since your parents have somehow swallowed your choice, might as well not hide behind a finger and accept that you are having a relationship , which at your age entails physical intimacy - and freedom of movement too. . What's the point of hanging out with the bad boy at daytime- and making a point of sleeping at home every night ? He is still he ( a bad choice , if you ask me ) and your being tucked up in your bed every night as a good girl does not change that.
It's a bit like you want to be the good girl who has fun slumming . You want the best of both worlds- you want to choose to be the diligent, consciencious student with good grades, the devoted daughter who obeys traditional rules- and also chose to be the daredevil that hangs out with the bad boys from a bad ,dangerous neighborhood,uh
how exciting.
I sort of understand of how your bf feels, and that he feels uncomfortable with a gf with the uptown address- downtown mentality ( as long as does not make waves at home ! ) he feels like your dirty little secret , your novelty toy . You've chosen ( again, very unwisely ) a guy that does not fit with your background, education, values and upbringing ? cool, then own your choice,live this choice freely and openly and proudly , as an adult , not as a child that has to steal from the cookie jar behind mom's back.
Said that... I agree with the previous post, you are playing a dangerous game, and I feel that your personalities, expectations and goals are so mismatched, that it can't but end up in tears. The problem is not that you can't spend the night with him- the problem is that you should not even be spending the day !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2012): Oh dear, he sounds like a right nightmare. You sound quite stable, sensible and sorted. Please don't let this tosser drag you down. Your gut instinct is right. Get out while you can, get away from this loser, run for the hills and don't look back!
Best of luck!
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