A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I know, I know, this sounds totally riduculous, but here goes. I have to have closure for the New Year, and perhaps you can help me. I had been dating a man for approximately 18 months before we split up during the Summer of 2010. We split up because simply, he was not acting like he really wanted to be with me. Towards the end, everything else was important except for me. So after some serious arguing and cursing, we called it quits. So here we are. Today is New Year's Day 2011, and he is dating another lady. I have come to terms with this, at first it greatly upset me, but I am now like so what? Whatever. But what I want to know is, why does this man keep calling me? He said he wanted to remain friends with me, and at first I did not want this, but I am fine with that. But he still calls me nearly every day? But he is supposed to be into his new "relationship", right? I have friends that I have known for years that are male, and I only talk to them once every Blue Moon! What is really going on?I called him to wish him a Happy New Year, and he was very cordial and jovial, his new date was at his house, and he acted like she was not even there and it was not the stroke of Midnight! I even told him to tell her Happy New Year, and she was like Happy New Year to you too!!!!! I mean, as a man who is trying to move on, if there is somebody in your life that is that important to you that you are currently dating, at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve, should you be on the phone exchanging jovial pleasantries with the woman who you just bought an expsnsive Christmas Gift for, and tha you talk to darn near every day (me)?Tell me, what do you think of this? I would almost take him back if he asked, but he is dating another lady (or so he says). I think if they are dating, it is not that serious, because if it were that serious, especially at the beginning of a fresh relationship, why do you have so much time for your ex?What do you guys think?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (1 January 2011):
 I am in the same situation. I dated someone for two and a half years. We lived together for a while and he cheated on me and wanted out, so I let go. I was destroyed and depressed but slowly got over him. Its been almost 9 months since I saw him or spoke to him, but he sent me a Christmas card telling me I was in his heart and I ignored it. He phoned me out of the blue to see if I had recieved the card and then told me he was with someone else. It made me cry and I told him not to contact me again...
Last night he sent me a New Year text...I also cannot understand why he would make contact after so long and again after I told him to stop. Unlike you, I have never called him since we split and we don't communicate via social networks.
I loved this guy and still do, but I can't let it ruin my life because he is playing games for some reason. My phone contrat ends in February...I am changing my number because I truly can't risk that he will make contact and hurt me again.
You have my sympathy and my advice would be to stop all contact and move on.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): I have read your post - question for advice, over and over a few times, to really try to understand and LOOK between the words, and my feeling is: You seem to be suggesting this guy you've split up with, is hanging on, calling you everyday, and WHY does he do this, he's dating a new girl. Well YOU are going along with it, you have not said NO to him, that you don't want this contact.
There is not anywhere in your posting, that you say you have tried not having contact, by telling him STRAIGHT and DIRECT your relationship is over, and you would prefer to keep it that way. Yet ALL replies to you, are suggesting the guy is a player, or manipulative, but really WE all have to take control of we want or don want, and IF you have NOT told him how you feel, that you don't want this contact, he can't mind read. And if you take the first step to say to him stop calling, or stop calling everyday, until you do this, then you will not truly know if he is being manipulative or a player, as of right now, he thinks you're coll with the contact and chatting everyday.
FACTS from your posting:
1. You both agreed to remain friends ( you could have said no)
2. " I CALLED HIM to wish him Happy New Year"
3. " I don't really see why you need to be communicating and talking on a regular basis to your ex, if you are in a current relationship " from your follow-up, then WHY are you doing it?
4.ORIGINAL posting " I would almost take him back if he asked, but he is dating another lady (or so he says)."
My advice is to STOP asking why he is doing something, and ask WHY you are allowing it, but then questioning his motives - my feelings are, you still hold a flame for this guy, even though you say you wouldn't have him back even if in a gift basket, but openly checking his facebook connections and seeing who he's chatting with.
None of of us like to think it's us, who could be part of a problem that exists, we tend to look at others and point the finger, so as not to take responsibility for our own actions, or lack of them, and I'm afraid in this case, if you really don't want this contact, you have to tell him that. Then if he makes contact after that, then that is a whole different situation. Only right now, you have encouraged it!
Jilly
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A
female
reader, danielsg1rl00 +, writes (1 January 2011):
 I am in the EXACT same situation, I asked him why does he act like we're still together, and he tells me because I'll always be his baby, so I told him that he cheated on me and broke up with me to cover up his traces, and that I want nothing to do with him, and now, I moved on. I was really confused at why he was still telling me this stuff, or even telling me he loved me still, and yet bragging about how much he loved being single, he confused the crap out of me, which is why I began to hate him. Because after a while, I felt like he was only using me... And I wasn't going to have that.. Thanks for your story, my answer wont help much, but I want to show you that I have the same question you have (:
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): I think you should you should forget about him altogether. He's your x. it's the new year. Throw out the old ,him, and bring in your new man! There's a reason why x's are x's. Leave that old garbage behind. Donkt fall into the x friend drama.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): This guy is not your friend. If I were you, I'd have nothing else to do with him. For one thing, he apparently has commitment issues and distanced himself from you when things got too close for comfort. Now, he's doing the same to the new lady and apparently has little to no consideration for her feelings.
He's also the kind who's easily bored and enjoys the chase. Once he has it, he's no longer interested.
Why in the world would you want to have a relationship with this man after all of this? This is the kind of guy that would be miserable to live with. If he ever married you, he'd quickly tire of you and ignore you. And then, you'd have the kind of relationship where he comes in and out and barely speaks to you.
To truly get closure from this guy, you need to quit talking to him and entirely.
Happy New year. I hope you meet someone wonderful!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh by the way, did I mention that on Facebook, he still flirts with and communicates with all his formers, blatantly out in the open, and most of his "friends" are women that he has known in the past, or women that he has just recently met or randomly friended? He does this in front of his new relationship, and he did this to me, and this is one of the reasons why I would not have him back, not even in a Gift Basket! I don't really see why you need to be communicating and talking on a regular basis to your ex, if you are in a current relationship, but he does not think so! What do you think of that? Do you think that is manipulative too? I think so!!!!!! At first when we broke up, I was really hurt, now I am glad that I do not have to carry around that burden, that is now her job!!!!! YAY ME!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (1 January 2011):
 You had a relationship where, to him, everything else was more important than his primary relationship, with you. And if he is dating a new lady then he's doing the same to the new lady. By talking to you, as if his new lady was not there, as if all was 'forgiven' since the breakup. Very curious. No wonder his behavior precipitated a break-up with you.
At the same time I am wondering if the break up, with you, irks him. Why can't he do exactly what he wants to, without empathy for his new lady? You and I know why. But maybe 'why not' has not yet dawned on him?
By phoning you, he may also be attempting to prevent you from moving on. A bit of 'if he can't have you, then no one else will be able to get a chance.' This may also have a grain of truth while he senes that you still hold a torch for him. And would have him back if he asked. Except you are honorable, and you have been told he's seeing someone else. So he is wasting his time, and your time.
He may also be trying to make you jealous. If so, i find that a manipulative
dishonorable tactic.
Put your phone on an answering machine recording, to screen your calls, and don't return his.
And find a guy who is prepared to put you first. Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, eminot +, writes (1 January 2011):
its your choice to do whatever you desire you only have one life.try to sit down with him and talk to him and tell him how you really feel
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): Maybe he is a player and he likes having lots of women pay attention to him and or to make them jealous? Maybe he genuinely wants to keep a friendship with you and he still has a lot of affection for you in a non romantic way? Maybe he feels you ended the relationship more than he did and he can't take the rejection. You called him, he didn't call you so maybe he and she were just being polite?
If he is normally calling you every day I would say that he has not broken his attachment to you obviously. If he isn't asking to reconcile maybe he either wants to have more than one woman, he wants to stroke his ego with your continued attention even though you're not his anymore, or he genuinely wants a friendship. Every day for a friendship is too much if he is dating someone else.
I know someone who spoke with his previous gf everyday although he was engaged to someone else, so it's not unheard of, but it is unusual.
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A
male
reader, cupid_1234 +, writes (1 January 2011):
 Maybe he just wants to be friends with you so even after breakup, he is still getting what he wanted. Are you getting what you wanted? I guess no. If you still want him back but he doesnt and you keep talking to him, then what you are doing is having hope that one day he will come back to you. But if he really wanted you, he would have come long time back. I would advise to talk to him only once in a week. But don't have any hope of him coming back. The hope you are having is most probably false which will hurt you at a later date. Ask him directly that why does he want to talk to you everyday when you 2 have broken up.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): Ask him? Was the breakup mutual? How do you know he's dating her exclusively? Are they dating heavy? It's possible their friends and not lovers. The only way you're going to get the proper answers will be from him. We can speculate until the sun comes up but we're not in his head. Its obvious he considers you his friend. Do you want him back exclusively. Be prepared for the worse if this is what you're wishing for.
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