A
female
age
36-40,
*bycks34
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for over a year... I love him very much and want to spend my life with him... But he doesn't make the right decisions for his life... He's scared of having cancer, but he smokes a pack if not more of cigarettes a day, he's always complaining about his teeth and stomach hurting, but he eats 3-5 bowls of cereal at a time... He doesn't sleep well... My parents let him move in, but he doesn't really help out around the house... I try to talk to him but he just blows me off and contradicts me... I think we're on the verge of breaking up and I don't want to lose him... He says that all I do is bitch at him... I feel like I am kinda mean to him but I also feel that I'm just trying to help him get his life back together... What do I do about this?!?!
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (23 December 2010):
Even though you are trying to help him--and what you nag him about is common sense stuff. But nobody wants another mommy to try to run their life. He's an adult and is entitled to make not-so-smart decisions. Although, I could see it annoying if he complains about his problems and then engages in activities that makes them worse. So either bite your tongue and let him do his own thing unless he asks for your advice or if you don't like what he does; then dump him. He may not be what you're looking for in the end.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (23 December 2010):
 You can't change him, that's something that he has to do himself. Bitching at him can actually add to his not doing, because you're the one who's suppose to love him but you judge him as if he's worthless, therefore he'll begin acting the way he believes you expect him to act. In a manner of speaking, it'd training him.
You want to be able to sit down and set goals together, and decide on a direction. Where do you two want to go as a couple? Where do you two want to go as far as personal or separate goals, but will be in the direction that will benefit you two as a whole?
This goes to the same reasoning as in child development. If you tell a child they're stupid enough times, their minds become programmed into believing it's true. We see that in domestic violence with both men and women who enter a relationship as strong individuals, and end up having their sense of self destroyed by the other person.
Find some common ground that you two can begin communicating, instead of judging and pointing fingers. If you aren't able to or if he's not willing to meet on any level, this relationship may not be the one for you.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, youngandrestless  +, writes (23 December 2010):
 im sorry darlin but he sounds very immature. all of his "problems" are self caused and he doesnt sound like he's going to change them any time soon. it sounds like he is using you and your parents. i knwo you love him, but you either need to take some space and time until he can get his life together, or spend the rest of your life taking care of an immature little boy. all you are doing right now is being an abler. you are allowing him to be a freeloader and lazy. he may be a very great guy, but he needs to take some responsability for his actions and not rely on you to take care of him. i hope this helps darlin.
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A
female
reader, EJ  +, writes (23 December 2010):
Girlfriend,
You cannot help change anyone's life but youre. I guarantee you will not be happy with him because you are not accepting him as he is but is all out to change him. If you cannot stand his behaviour now what makes you sure you can stand it many years down the road? You are trying to shove him into a mould that he cannot fit in. Why are you forcing yourself on him? Are you worried you can't find someone else? He doesnt sound like a biggy to me. The bottom line is take a hard look at him and ask yourself what do you really see in him? Love him but let him go free...because it is true when you continue to criticise someone they will get fed up with you. Think about that.
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A
female
reader, Initwithhim  +, writes (23 December 2010):
It seems like you have a boyfriend who doesn't really take care of himself.
You should talk to him seriously and when he contradicts you, you should stand up to him. You are jsut as important and ask him how would he feel if you were the one being so irresponsible.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): You need to motivate him, not tell him what to do.
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