A
female
age
41-50,
*istortionatitsfinest
writes:Well now where do i begin.. I've been married for 4 for starters total of 4 kids (2 from previous 10 yr relationship) I've known my husband for a total of 12 years altho we've only been together 6 we were friends before. My problem.. when he gets angry everything is my fault and he is well someone i should kiss the ground he walks on becuase he's such a good guy.. When he isnt angry you wouldn't know that the words cunt whore or bitch were even capeable of coming out of his mouth but as soon as the wind blows in the oppisite direction he was planning on everything in the universe is my fault!.. I cant even begin to cound how many times i've been told he's divoring me and gonna replace me with a 20 year old and so on... Or the sentence that cuts deep he so freely throws around when its not his way " no wonder Tim killed his self" (my previous relationship in which i have 2 boy from) He used things he knows that will cut me the most against me.. I'm a whore becuase at the beginning of our marriage he wanted a tell all I am not ashamed well wasnt of my past as yes ive been with a few ppl but he's included.. I am now a whore only later does he let it slip out that his partner past triples mine plus!. I do not fight with words hell i dont fight at all i am normally quiet so i dont provoke him even more so. I dont call names i dont try to make him feel less as he does me. I use to be a person with confindence and worth and i now feel as tho i'm not enough. I wait on him hand and foot... He works nights usually 12 hrs days 6 days a week and i'm at his beck and call.. He does good to spend any time with our children in which we together hve a set of almost 3 year old twins who i might add are more then a handful! Yes to make him happy i set in the house playing mom and housewife every day other then every other weekend that if i'm good i get to go and visit my parents. I get told non stop that i am the cause of the problems although i am at his beck and call and he comes and goes as he please while i hold down the fort... I wait on him beck and call in regards to everything!! and i do mean everything he wants it he gets it. I've noticed lately as i am fed up and i believe he knows it when we get into it, as soon as things are settled he wants to have another baby...! WTF!! When we got married i already had 2 boys and was content and wanted no more, he had none and wanted non of his own so to speak.. I made it very clear as i had come out of a very bad situation that if we did not work out it would be best so there were no ties to each other! perhaps that sounds cold but i was honest and coming out of a 10 year relationship that after 7 years of mental and physical abuse i was able to walk away from after a year of planning and to my surprise my ex killed himself a week to the day after i left.. so yes indeed i was guarded! point being as soon as we were married he changed his mind and all of a sudden wanted kids.. his parents even said they never thought he'd have any... after months of this talk i finailly agreed as me being the ppl pleaser i am wanted him to be happy and fulfilled. well instead of 1 we got 2 and its been balls to the wall since! I dont feel our shildren affect our relationship, It is now as tho he feels more ownership over me.. Today after a disagreement which was absolutly his doing occured i called and made myself an appt for therapy/counseling.. this was 11am or so.. now for the past 3 years ive heard nothing other then i am crazy andi create all the problems so on and so forth! As soon as i tell him all hell breaks loose and he is livid.. its now almost 9pm and he still hasnt talked to me matter of fact he went to bed at uhh 7.. wtf is his problem!!! He tells me over and over if i need to talk to someone blah blah... he will make it happen.. i actually do it not for him but myself there is a pattern repeating its self i put up with crap from ppl who treat me like crap and i wanna know why and how to fix it.. I told him it was to fix us cause i am the "problem" as he calls it.. he all of the sudden acts thretened and goes off as soon as i told him my appointment date and after i got a bit Go F yourself hes not so much as said a word.. Why is he so threatened by it... thats how i take his reaction anyways!. please HELP!... to be honest i felt better after making the appointment regardless of his dissatisfaction. I am looking forward to figuring out what is wrong with me for allowing it and getting to a place where i can say f it and fu and move on! i really feel like i am being taken advantange of due to my over compensating because i feel somewhat guilty for my last relationship ending so bad
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female
reader, distortionatitsfinest +, writes (22 September 2012):
distortionatitsfinest is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the replies. As far as family or help with the kids that's a no i have the kids 24/7 they have only had a baby better once they will be 3 next month not old enough for school. I've mention several times about getting a baby sitter and us doing the dating thing and that happened once as well. His job is no different then it always has been and he does well financially. I am not dependent on him at all money wise as i was left well off from my older childrens father the one who passed away. Im currently at my mothers after a long exhausting night of text messages starting around 2 am. I've got my kids of course and after my brother in law helped him fix has truck he left. I've not heard anything from him since 9 or so. No cell phone service thank goodness! I have no plan on calling him i need a break and i have every intention to take it. Naturally i feel the same panic that i felt before when id leave the last one. Thankfully we have not ever argued in front of the kids. And the nasty messages are sent text to my phone. we act normal around them hell we even make conversation and interact with each other in their presence. I offered marriage counseling before just to help us communicate and that was a NO i feel I've made it clear that id like us to work that we need help his refusal is all I've ever got so i decided to work on me.
A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (22 September 2012):
 He feels threatened because he thinks once you "fix" yourself you will leave, that a sane person won't put up with him. He is correct. He knows he is an awful person and husband, HE should be the one in therapy but the likelihood of that happening is very low. I think it's great that you want to find the reason you keep getting into abusive relationships. I hope you do find out what it is. I grew up in an abusive household and it's terrible to watch.
The reason he wanted children was to have an even better hold on you. Like my father, his goal is to keep you isolated, broken down and dependent on him. To convince you that you are worthless and can't find anyone better than him or will love you like he does. Anything to make it difficult for you to leave he will do. You should do as you did before with your last abusive relationship and make the preparations to leave. I think you already know there is no getting better with him so now it's time to make the plans to get out. You should start your therapy and start getting your stuff in order to get out. I think one of the problems you mention that my mom has too is being a people pleaser so that is probably some part of your issue in getting into these situations. I wish you the best of luck with your therapy and getting away from him. I know you are strong enough.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (22 September 2012):
 I'm not going to get into a whole list of what's wrong with this guy. You can see it for yourself. The reason he feels threatened by your self improvement is twofold. One, once you're 'fixed' he will be exposed as the cause of the problems and second, you will be wiser, stronger and, with outside help, be in a better position to leave him.That is also why he wants another child. The more you have, the more vulnerable and dependent you will be on him. Children serve as anchors keeping you firmly in place.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (22 September 2012):
 Congratulations on taking the first step and making that appointment. The reason he is feeling threatened by this is that he knows he is in the wrong, and doesnt want you having that fact confirmed.
He is worried you are going to find out he is a bully and an abuser, keep the appointment, at best you will learn some strategies to get your marriage on track, at worst you will learn the marriage can't be saved and you will learn some strategies to help you and your kids survive its demise.
Either way you will be much better off. Dont let him bully you into cancelling the appointments, and keep going back regardless if he has a sudden change of heart and turns into Mr Nice Guy or not. Dont fall for that old trick, as soon as you are back where he can control you, it will be bye bye Mr Nice Guy welcome back nastypants!
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2012): Ooe dear what a mess.. You left one abusive relationship only to be rose coloured glassed into another abusive relationship. Calling you names and putting you down when he is angry, controlling your movements in respect you only go to your mums is abusive.. Telling you, you killed someone is in my option wicked... Ilm sorry to say that about your hubby but its true.You definately need counselling/therapy and either work out away to end this horrendous relationship or get him to go and work through his issues is the only way you two can be together . If he cannot or does not want to do that, then you need to kick his not so sorry ass out onto the street or leave.. Give him a wake up call. If he angry he will need to learn to walk away vent somewhere else and then came back when level headed to discuss what the problem is.. You need to open your horizons make new friends, get hubby to take the kids while you have a spa day or just a quiet drink catch up with the girls. I'm a sahm and wouldn't change that but my hubby realises that I too need space. I can relate on the controlling aspect as my hubby was many moons ago very much like that and I had to say no more, we either figure out a way to sort this, or I'll leave . But saying that it takes two, he has to admit his faults and you too as we are not all perfect.. And find a solution or it won't work.No matter how nice he is when not angry and how good a father or provider he may be. He is abusing and controlling you.. And deep down you know that true hence the therapy, he is intimidated by it because he knows you will get stronger emotionally to tell him, do you known what I'm not a wh-re etc, and make him stand up to his and I say his issues.. I can't bear to think how your children react to all this.. You have a long journey ahead . And I wish you both the best,.
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A
female
reader, nat1972  +, writes (22 September 2012):
 Hi,Gosh you have been through a lot of hardship, Firstly sorry for the loss of the first relationship, he sounded very troubled. Now with your current husband is he at all feeling overwhelmed, tired and struggling to find the next dollar. To blame you for things is wrong, I for one am very proud of you for making that appointment. That must of been hard. You are a strong person for what you have and are going through I might add. There is so much work here that needs to be done, If your husband blames you for everything, perhaps ask him, what is wrong, find out things that tick him off and start from there. Working together if you both want to work at the marriage of course. This is your life we are talking about, and if you don't feel confident in your environment then start to figure it out, Your wants, your needs. Do you have help for the twins ie family members who can give you a break etc. Put them into kindergarten for a few hours. Perhaps start dating your hubby again and make plans to go out during the day without your children. Leave them with family for 2 hours. Find the love you once had. Oh and having another child will not help your situation. You need to fix the problems now to which you are attempting to do. Perhaps sit down with your husband, when he is feeling in a good place and start talking to him, say you don't like how he treats you and talks to you. That it is demoralizing and im sure the children see that too. And is not acceptable. The relationship is upto you and your hubby to fix and if worked out together you can both fix this. If he can't fix the problems himself and see them perhaps talk about them together and work them out as adults and instead of him argueing try not to get it to go that far. Level it down a notch so you both arnt screaming at each other. Committment and openness to talk about everything that is wrong. A good heart to heart. Find the love and commpassion you both have and work it out together.
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