A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend says he says things he doesn't mean when he is mad, and i should not take them personally. here is some examples : slut, whore, dirty, i am going to throw you off this balcony, you deserved to get raped no one is going to want you now, haha i fucked you in the ass you dirty bitch .. thats the worst of it..Can i forgive this? its not on one occasion, its every time he is mad. The reason he gets mad like this is because he is jealous of my sexual history which consists of sex with 4 others, nothing sexual with anyone else. there has to be some meaning behind what he is saying for him to say it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmandanoodles thanks so much, your advice is very much appreciated and i think it is very useful!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all sincerely for your time! I have always thought it was a possibility that he never really loved me but just wanted sex with me, because looks-wise i could do better then him and he knows it, maybe he is just thinking about me as a score.. but whenever i say that he would say yeah right why would i stay with you just for sex.
and i have always told him he is a hypocrite, but no he wont accept that. I mean he wants a virgin, but why the hell would a virgin who waited till marriage for one person want him when he gives it up?
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (26 July 2009):
 "Hypocrisy is the act of pretending to have beliefs, opinions, virtues, feelings, qualities, or standards that one does not actually have. Hypocrisy typically comes from a desire to mask actual motives or feelings, or from a person's inability to conform to standards they espouse." Quote taken from Wikipedia.
A simple example is a meat eater who says killing animals is wrong.
In your case, a hypocrit is someone who has sex with a girl before marriage and then complains to the girl she had sex before marriage.
He has sex with you, with no real commitment but is angry that you did the same with other guys. That don't work. If you expect a girl to be virginal, you can't go around screwing them. If you are a slut, he is a slut.
The choice on what kind of past he is willing to accept in a girl is his, but is not right that he wants sex from you but also object that you have sex.
And now the choice is yours. Why are you staying with this guy who is unlikely to be long term and is just adding to your sexual past that he is so upset about?
He is a hypocrit and that is hard to impossible to change because his entire self-image depends on this twisted view.
Worse, it also seems he has serious anger-management problems. Constantly getting angry? Then he should just leave. Ah but that would mean giving up the sex he is so upset about.
You have been given a major clue about how this guy is going to be like in the future. Take it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2009): well that's really harsh especially if there isn't infidelity going on, your with him only and now you were with others from the past and I'm assuming hes only been with you or less than you so hid ego is hurt so he belittles you by calling you names due 2 more past relationships,he needs to realize that your with him now not with the past,and he must have major insecurities because threatening you isn't love that's a major red flag and I recomend you leave his little sorry ass ego or if you really do love him u both need to talk to help him go to counseling either with him or without him because u need 2 get major help with this one, I'm no Dr. but my advise from being with a jealous controllable freak is to never fear him because you make yourself more open to an attack, but don't provoke him either by keeping in touch with old boyfriends or having old keepsakes around that will enrage him well things didnt work out with my ex. I had to get cops involved 2 help me with leaving him. and now I hope and pray that you get this message to know that you need to do whats best for you no matter how much you love him, u need to love yourself first and your staying with someone whos that insecure threatening you, your not being loved and you deserve to be loved tell him that see if hell snap out of it, itll be a rude awakening but at least hell know so he can grow up and appreciate you if not than consider it wasnt meant to be & move on, I hope the best 4u God Bless
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reader, JSBach  +, writes (26 July 2009):
He sounds terrible. To say things like that just once is too much, but to say such hurtful things, and to make physical threats, repeatedly is inexcusable.
Leave him.
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female
reader, mandanoodels  +, writes (26 July 2009):
Hang in there, it takes work!
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female
reader, SapphireLily  +, writes (26 July 2009):
 Hello,
Even if he says he didn't mean them,
and they hurt your feelings, there is no reason to put up with it. Especially when he threatens you & basically calls you unworthy. I don't think this relationship should continue. Your life could be at risk.
But, overall this decision is up to you.
Sincerely,
SapphireLily
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female
reader, mandanoodels +, writes (26 July 2009):
This is completely unacceptable in any relationship. You are in an abusive relationship, and just don’t realize it. There are a few things that you can do here, and if your boyfriend is not supportive of any of these maybe you should consider greener pastures.
I strongly recommend counseling. This will help him to cope with stress and deal with the anger management problems he is faced with, because that’s what this is—a stress or anger management coping mechanism. If what I recommend does not work, and you cannot come up with a resolution, opting for greener pastures may be a wise decision.
1. Talk to him about what he is saying to you, and follow it up with a plan of how you are going to deal with it-- including consequences. Most of the time when people react this badly to things that have happened in the past, there is an unresolved issue there, either with you, or with someone else before you (parents, trust issues w/ ex’s, ect.). If he is AWARE and WANTS to change, this may work….
When he is overreacting in this manner try to come up with a code phrase or sentence that lets him know he has crossed the line. He must decide this with you and be aware of it, because even though as girls we expect men to read minds he will have NO idea unless it is a joint decision. When you’re arguing you can say “babe, the line was just crossed” or “honey, you’re in the red right now”, and hopefully this will trigger a break in the yelling or comments.
Many emotional people that do not cope well with stressful situations will say or act on emotions before they can think about what they are doing or how they are acting. I would try and use a loving term before the code phrase like “darling, babe, sweetie”, like I did above. One thing that will diffuse the stress and bring him back into a rational state would be staying calm and being semi-affectionate. By this I do NOT mean trying to grab and hug him, or kiss him to death; being TOO affectionate may lead him to believe you don’t take him seriously, causing more anxiety.
Once you sufficiently calm him down let him know how it makes you feel (still clam) when he talks to you like that, and also assure him that you realize he is upset. Make sure that you do listen to him to try and decipher the REAL reason he is upset; because once he is calm it is your job to let him know that he doesn’t have to react that way to be heard.
The last thing I would suggest you do is set consequences for his actions. You cannot just simply forgive him right afterward because you are enabling this habit. So, if you discuss it and he continues to do it come up with a consequence like, you go home… and eventually if it continues multiple times (say 10)… you leave (for good). You cannot not follow through, like I said then you are just an enabler, and you are not helping him or you.
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reader, Your friend +, writes (26 July 2009):
 Its a wasted effort trying to sort out this one, just tell him to f**k off and find someone who who will feel dizzy every time he looks into your eyes.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2009): Hmm, that kind of thing isn't excusable no matter what the circumstances - to put it bluntly, dump him. Good luck, xx
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male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (26 July 2009):
 Wow, so you think this to be acceptable behavior from someone who professes to love you?RESPECT....your BF has not one clue what that word means.The telling one is the line about the rape..."the no one will want you" part.This guy is an immature, insecure controlling abusive piece of garbage. That line will translate down the road into you believing that no one will ever want to be with you, and he loves you like no one else could.You are being emotionally abused by this prick.Sweety, Gina is very correct about her last paragraph...these are telltale signs of someone who is now only emotionally abusive...but has the potential to be physically abusive. One day you are gonna wake up, and he will be in a bad mood, then bring up something from your past and end up beating you up.You are worth so much more than that. Someone who loves you listens, trusts, and cherishes. Not berates, threatens and insults you. He cant handle that there was someone before him. His version of reality is warped. He is an insanely jealous guy for sure. He cant fathom that there could ever have been anyone else in your young life, let alone SEX!Were you his first? Sounds like it.Please do yourself a favor and leave him. Imagine how awful this would be if you were married. Please save yourself a future of pain, and and injury. DUMP THIS ASSHOLE!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2009): Sorry but being angry and jealous is a pathetic excuse to repeatedly throw verbal abuse at you. You deserve to be raped? That is a cruel thing to say.I think you should ask yourself whether you can forgive him... Can you? It's not a one off thing - I certainly couldn't.I think he needs to get over your past, because that's what it is, the PAST. It sounds like he has anger problems, if that is the case then perhaps he should attend anger management classes, or speak to someone professional who can help him, because what he says and does are not right and you shouldn't have to put up with it.
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