A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I've been talking to this guy for a while now, we want to take things slow but he says things that make me feel like he doesn't want me. I'm left confused about the situation and I need some clarity. Last night he told me how much he Loved me. He said that I was the most amazing girl, I was funny, beautiful, smart, easy to talk to, and that I was different from every girl he dated. He said I was so laid back and cool, and that I'd be the perfect girlfriend because I never give up when It comes to trying to make my boyfriend happy.But then...He confused me when he said, I would travel the world for you to help you find that perfect guy. You deserve someone who will be just as amazing as you, and that he will be one lucky guy. He said he wouldn't even be mad because I deserve to be happy. I've never felt so happy and hurt at the same time because he knows that He's the one that I love. He usually doesn't express his feeling so when he said those things I cried out of sadness and out of joy. I don't think he realized how much that hurt me. IS he trying to tell me something ? Do you think he changed his mind about being with me ? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2013): This advice may be strange coming from someone who (according to medical criteria, but that's one thing) struggles to understand human relationships, but here goes:
I think he lacks confidence, laconically speaking.
He probably does want you, but isn't sure whether to be single or not and so remains 'on the fence' so to speak.
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (24 September 2013):
 I've been in your situation before. He used almost the exact words. I foolishly chose to stay with him, hoping one day he would realize that he loved me too. The end result? He eventually left me and married someone else. It took me a very long time to get over him.
CindyCares got it bang on. He is only interested in dating you for the moment. He does not see a future with you. He'll hang on to you until he meets someone else and then he'll leave, probably thinking that he warned you from the start, so it does not make him an asshole. He thinks you're a nice, sweet girl, so he does not want to feel bad about eventually breaking your heart.
I'm not saying that this is what is going to happen to you, but it would be a good idea to start detaching yourself from him. Start dating other guys. If he really wants you to be his girlfriend he will ask you. Until then, consider yourself free to date other people.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 September 2013):
 He says these things precisely because he knows that you love him. His message is " Don't get too cozy and don't get any ideas- You are a great girl, smart , pretty etc., almost perfect- for some other guy, not me. Don't go thinking I am your Mr. Right, because I am only your Mr. Right Now ".
As you can see, I see it like the other posters, with a slight difference- I don't think that he is letting you down easy NOW, or that he wants to dump you TOMORROW. But definitely he wants to curb your expectations and impress on you that this is only going to be a transitional story. Paving himself the way to a smoother exit when the time comes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2013): You're not for him OP. I've said that a few times when breaking up or rejecting girls and frankly it's over the top.
Basically it's the "it's not you, it's me" rejection line.
Rejection hurts so you try to offset it a bit by being nice about it and complimenting the girl.
"You're not for me, but hey, you're amazing, any guy (except me) would be lucky to have you, you'd make the best girlfriend (except for me) blah blah".
I stopped doing that as I grew older and wiser. As you know now it confuses things greatly. It's really not good to say that as it leaves you wondering whether any of what he's said is true because his actions say otherwise.
He's rejected you OP, it's painful but that's the reality.
Time to have the "talk".
Time to find out where you stand and get him to say it out straight that he doesn't want to be your boyfriend. He has already said it but you need definite closure. Anything but yes, is a no. Don't know, maybe in the future etc. they're all no's.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2013): Dump him and see what his attitude becomes. That will show his true feelings
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 September 2013):
 He's letting you down, a bit too gently. You're a lovely girl but you are not the girl he wants.
It's not confusing once you absorb that. I'm sorry he's not going to be the love of your life. I think it may be easier for you to end contact with him so you don't get confused.
He doesn't love you in the way you want, and he's basically told you he never will. He's even offered to help you find the next guy. If that's not a clear signal, I don't know what is.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 September 2013):
 I agree with Auntie Em, he is playing you.
He makes it out like he REALLY CARES about you, but what he says is this, you are a lovely girl, but I don't WANT you. He is trying to pull it off as YOU are too good for HIM.
Wish him good luck and let him know you will go look for that perfect guy and then don't look back.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (24 September 2013):
 IS he trying to tell me something ?
Do you think he changed his mind about being with me ?
These two statements indicate how confused he has made you. I bet you are going to be hanging on his every word now and trying even harder to please him...and that's the game he's engineered!! That is exactly how he WANTS you to feel...like and insecure doormat who will never leave him or question him.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (24 September 2013):
He has control issues and he is testing you.
I would actually get away from him because this kind of behaviour will never stop. I have known of men and women who behave in this way their whole lives and it usually boils down to low self esteem and the need to constantly check up on their partner and control by using mixed messages and emotional blackmail.
Why do people display this behaviour? Because it makes the 'object of their affection' confused and in an attempt to unravel that confusion they draw closer and do whatever the controller wants.
One thing is telling:
'He usually doesn't express his feeling so when he said those things I cried out of sadness and out of joy'
This is control. To withold feelings to draw someone in and then release those feelings immediately backed up with a negative 'I love you but I want you to find someone else' is his attempt at gaining total power over you.
If you do have a relationship with this guy he will use this method of positive/negative to undermine you and control your actions. He will also most likely be masking extreme jealousy...think about it.
He will get you so confused that you wont know whats happening but he will always control you with the word 'love' because ultimately he knows that's what women want and desire. Men like this are very good at picking up on womens insecurities and if you have appeared vulnerable to him then he has you right where he wants you.
A normal guy will date you and build up his affection for you and if he wants to be with you, there is no way he would use this controlling tactic because he'd want you to trust him and he would not constantly test you and try to push you away.
My advice would be to call his bluff, tell him you want to date other people because you are unsure of his confusing behaviour. Tell him that you do not accept being told he loves you one minute and then pushing you away the next.
He has a problem and it's up to him to change it. Be strong and dont accept bad behaviour from men.
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