A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Just a quick question, male and female answers welcome! It's just that there are sooo many do's/don't with dating/relationships and they all seem to contradict each other!! Mainly, I always maintain my independence with guys to 'give them space' but on the other hand, I've been told it gives impression you don't want them and men get 'insecure'! Everyone always tells me how likeable I am, but I always seem to get burned by guys and it's making me hold back even more when I meet new guys. Any insight into what guys really want?! It's starting to confuse me sooo much! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2013): Hi I'm the OP, thanks for all the feedback and great advice!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2013): That's easy. We want you to be you and not act differently just because you think it's a rule or a "do" as you put it.
OP you get burned by guys because you sound like an appeaser. You think too much about what we want when you need to take the approach of doing what you want and what makes you feel comfortable.
You know it's a cliché to say just be you, but it's one with merit. Do you want a guy to fall in love with you or the person you pretend to be while you snare him? Acting certain ways because you believe it's how you're supposed to act is not great. Don't cheat, don't betray trust, don't be abusive and always be open to discuss issues and resolving them through talking. They're good general rules. Everything else is down to the individual.
OP every guy is different. I don't find texting every day clingy, some guys do. Some guys like their girl to be jealous whereas I hate it. Some guys don't like a woman who will challenge their opinion if they think it's wrong, I love it. Some guys like feminists, I can't stand them or their bigoted views.
Some guys like appeasers, I don't work well with them. I don't work well with appeasers OP because I have a dominant personality and I will fall into the habit of being a little too in charge if you know what I mean and that leads to exploitation of that and inequality in the relationship, and that makes me unhappy. I don't like the role of being boss in a relationship. I like the woman to know what she wants from me and not be flaky or too worried about what I want. Because if we work well that will come with time as the woman gets to know me.
My wife knows what I want before I do.
Your focus should solely be on compatibility. Do you like this guy? Is his attitude towards the things you view as important compatible with how you view them? Is he too sexual too soon? Is he too flirty with other women? Is he just out of a relationship? Does he treat the people who serve him, waitresses etc. with kindness and respect? Has he a history of cheating? etc. etc.
Your focus should be on judging whether a guy is what you want, not whether you can follow a set of rules to make yourself what he wants. You know? Date for you OP. Date to get the best possible specimen of manhood you can. That way you can ditch the losers early because by focusing on the traits you want in a man you'll be able to judge them sooner, you'll be able to spot negative traits sooner. That'll both simplify process and give you the tools to not be taken advantage of.
You can't make someone like you by following rules, or at all. You can only give the best representation of your true self and if he likes then great, if not then great, move on.
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A
male
reader, GentleGiant  +, writes (24 September 2013):
I am a guy and i know what i want in a committed monogamous relationship with a woman and only one woman. My lovely girlfriend of four years wants the same and we are on the same page on this. But really when it all boils down to is what you want in a relationship? You cant be everything to every one especially if you want a relationship with a man. What do you want in regards to the opposite sex? Do you want the whole package and all the ups and downs that come with it? Do you just want intimacy and somebody to do things with that will make you feel good? Or at this point in your life do you just want a man as a friend who you can do things together with and have good old fashioned fun who will respect you for you who? Or maybe at this point in your life you have to do what makes you feel good about yourself as a woman and along the way if a man notices you and gets to know and like you then he might just jump on the band wagon. But please do not ever give up on your self and your self interests and hobbies. I love my girlfriend dearly and we do a lot of many things together but she is still an individual who loves to do things in her special way and i have the deepest respect and understanding about that.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 September 2013):
 Seen that there are 3.5 billions of males in this world and all different in age, culture, personality, tastes, values and individual quirks, chances are that each of them will want something different and there's no way you can please them all, or even most, or even many. Therefore I have come to the conclusion that tryng to define- and to divine- what men, or a particular man, want is an excercise in futility and really not that relevant because what's more important, and a more known entity, is what YOU want, what makes YOU feel comfortable and natural and fulfilled. Act the way it makes YOU feel good, not the way that according your friends or your self help books, is supposed to get you more " takers ".
I am not encouraging you to be a bitch or insensitive or predatory, just to not betray your true self to make yourself supposedly more marketable on the dating market.
If you are bold take the initiative, if you are shy let people help you come out of your shell. If you are sexually adventurous experiment without shame , if you are a more conservative type hold on to your traditional sexual values and do not let anybody pressure you into doing anything that does not feel " you ". If you enjoy the chase, chase, if you don't - let them chase you. And so on and so forth.
I know that this sounds the lamest advise ever :" be yourself ", but under its apparent banality there's , I hope , a nugget of wisdom. Who CARES what men want ? It's important what YOU want, and by acting in relationships and dating, exactly how it would please you if you weren't always second guessing yourself, you activate a very convenient self selection and self elimination process. Sure, you may get less " prey " than other more by-the-book friends of yours, but , at the end of the day, those who'll stick around will be those who really " get " you, who rally " feel " you, who can easily and effortlessly fall in with your lifestyle and personality and way of being and doing things.
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