A
female
age
36-40,
*odelgirlcc
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years, we have 4 kids together and he has been married before and engaged before. The other day I was talking to him and he said that he would never marry me. So I got very angry I am not talking to him and asked him to leave. I did explain to him how I feel and he doesn't understand. He is holding his past relationships against me. We got together when I was 16 and he was 39 he is 23 years older, I am now 22 and he is 45 and I would love to get married. I obviously have never been married before. He says he loves me with all of his heart but I don't understand then why he won't marry me. What should I do? Should I leave?
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female
reader, been there +, writes (28 October 2009):
The worst thing you can do is to get angry with him and try to coerce him into marrying you. He may be just trying to make you feel bad and this is how he is doing it. I played this game for 17 years and finally left by "nonhusband" Now he is doing the same thing to another woman- come to find out, he has done the same thing to someone before me. Some men are incapable of dealing with their own feelings so they project something like this on you just to get you to feel bad so that they can get you upset and then unload some of their huge emotional baggage on you without having to take responsibility for it. It is not fair, and it is low handed and he will keep on doing it over and over again. He is protecting his own feelings at the expense of yours. Run as fast as you can away from that man !
A
female
reader, modelgirlcc +, writes (1 April 2008):
modelgirlcc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would just like to say thank you to everyone that has responded.Everyone has such a good advise. I am still a little confused with what to do cause I don't know what I would do with out him. Thank you so much.
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A
female
reader, MissWendlemoot  +, writes (1 April 2008):
 Did you finish your education or have in job skills?I think you need to prepare yourself if something happens to him as legally you most likely won't get squat.He should at least have a life policy with you as beneficiary.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (15 March 2008):
 He is married before and maybe , he is still legally married and not divorced yet.
This could probably be the reason he could not marry you.
A marriage that is registered with the proper authorities is a legal entity and in the yes of the law , you are recognized as his legal wife.
This comes in useful when you have to deal with properties or any money leftover from the deceased.
In some countries, a common law wife is considered a wife but in most places a marriage certificate is the recognized legal document in black and white.
Now that you have 4 kids and it is hard to convince him to marry you legally.
You cannot do much unless you want to cut him off and forfeit all his financial support.
The best option is to carry on living this way.
Afraid you do not have much choice.
Married or not, life has got to go on.
You sold yourself short and you will have to live with it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): The big deal about not getting married to this guy but having his 4 kids is that you are not legal. That means if he goes into the hospital with a heart attack, you are not the next of kin, you don't have any rights over his care. You are not protected by law if he should decide to dump you, depending on the state you live in, you could be considered common law, but that is much harder to prove and harder to collect any life insurance, etc.....I mean, life happens, he could die, or be killed, your children would not even be protected and unless he has adopted them then his name doesn't even have to be on the birth certificate does it? I think 6 years is long enough to be in a relationship without marriage, and the fact that you continued to have children with this man without marriage is mind boggling. I realize hollywood celebs do this, but they have a lot more money than us, and their lifestyles are nothing like us, they hire help and have all sorts of advisors and legal help at their disposal..where you probably don't. I can't tell you what to do here, leave or stay, but you definately have a right to put your foot down about the whole marriage thing, and in my mind, if he loves you as he says he does then you DESERVE to be his wife and you have nothing to apologize for expecting that or wanting that...that is how it is supposed to be amoung couples in love with children.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): Dear poster
I feel for you and don't really have an answer only that at 16 you were far too young to enter into a anything with this guy. He is getting what he wants you young partner 4 kids no commitment whereas you are questioning now what you should have questioned yrs ago. No wonder you are angry, hes been there done that but you are the mother of 4 children HIS and he has the check to say he will never marry you! You are becoming mature enough now to speak you mind and make your own mind up as this guy took advantage of you, start empowering yourself don't settle for what this guy says he's had his jollys from a pretty young thing the least he can do is respect your opinion on this
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A
female
reader, asian tealeaf  +, writes (14 March 2008):
 He sees his relationship with you as committment enough, most likely. He's been through it before, and perhaps he thinks he's not ready to commit in that boat but is content to be common law with you. A piece of paper sounds great, but I'd settle for now for what he's willing to give you. As long as he is faithful and loves you, why worry about the paper work? If he ever becomes ready for it in the future, you will be the first to know! Be patient and don't push him into a corner. You're asking for too much at the moment and he can't handle the pressure. So back off and just be there and love im like you did prior to the issue. men especially, can't handle that sort of stuff. If they're not ready, well, they're just not and you need to accept him and show him nothing's changed because of this.
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A
female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (14 March 2008):
 Nowadays most people don't marry after having a passel of kids as you two have already done. He feels trapped enough without having to sign the dotted line and probably thinks that the pressure you're putting on him could lead to divorce and his paying child support and spousal support out the yen-yang.
Why get married? Is it really that important. I mean, you aren't setting any morals with your kids since you had them prior to getting married anyway. What's the big deal?
He loves you and is happy the way things are. If it ain't broke, why fix it???? Gena
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