A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend tells me he loves me but his behavior suggests otherwise to me. About 2 weeks ago we got into an argument and he told me he had been wanting to break up with me since I miscarried 4 years ago. We have been together for 6 years, living together for 5. I was stunned and hurt. By the next morning he had taken it back and now acts like it never happened.Yesterday he went to fill out the paperwork to decide who benefits financially in case of his death. He told me after that he was given a chance to give it to me but chose not to. His children will get the money. I have no problem with that but it would have been nice if he had left me something, anything since I am his helpmate and partner.We are an older couple and now is the time to prepare for this kind of thing.His daughter is heading off to college and one lives with us and does not pay rent neither does she clean. I do it all. He wants me to give him more money than I have in order to pay for his kids. I don't feel I should since they are not mine and I have very little money as I am out of work. I have children of my own.Lately, I feel so sad and am walking around feeling like I am living a lie. Despite his protestations to the contrary I don't feel like he loves me. He says he does. I feel used financially. He doesn't want to get married. He wants me to cook and clean. I need advice. Has anyone else lived in this kind of one down situation? Did you keep paying for others kids. I just don't buy that he loves me anymore.
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female
reader, babyzbird  +, writes (29 April 2013):
 Good for you! I'm glad you are taken action! You deserve it!
Good Luck and don't let him bring you down or suck you back into staying with him. Sometimes when they realize you are leaving they tend to become the world's biggest sweethearts. It's a lie...my abusive ex tried this.
Stay strong! :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn case of his death, he has left me nothing. I am not on the deed for the house, his life insurance and death benefits go to his children and ex-wife.I am going to take your suggestions and do less around the house. Nothing for his grown daughter. I am also going to be looking for work, my own car to buy and a new place to live. I see in his actions that he really does not love me though I am not sure he is capable of loving a woman completely. Either way, soon it will not be my problem.He gives his 23 year old son 350 dollars a month to do nothing. He was supposed to be going to school but he dropped out. He lives with his girlfriend who has a great job. Why can't she support him? His income is not enough to cover everything he has promised his children so he tries to badger me into giving him more money every month so he can then turn around and give it to his ex wife and 3 grown children. All 3 are able bodied. When I suggested he stop giving his son money he attacked my son verbally. My sons pay their bills. The only thing I ever help them with is the occasional bag of groceries.He is emotionally abusive. I wish I could say that the comment he made about wishing he had left me after I miscarried was the only really nasty thing he had ever said to me. But I have to be honest. I have put up with way too much for too long. Honestly, when I read what I just wrote I get mad at myself for staying so long. But the best thing I can do is move on and take care of myself. Beating myself up is not going to help now.Thanks for taking the time to respond to my dilemna.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2013): i was in a similar situation to you when i was married three years ago. My husband and me had no kids but he treated me like i was there to serve him. I cooked and cleaned and paid the bills. He treated me like his roommate. He had no appreciation for what i did i scarificed alot because he was in school so i had a lot of responsibility on my shoulders.He also used to say nasty things to me. I did not make enough money...i did not cook the meals right...i ruined his life because i could not get him a house...we lived in flat. And comments about the miscarriage i had..how that ruined his life. Eventually i left him because i figured he will never change ...had a sense of entitlement and being a jerk because i was allowing him to be.i suggest you leave him because he is doing all these things because you are letting him....this is who he is now. He might love you but he doesnt aprreciate you or respect you. He just sees the relationship as a tool to fulfil his needs.Find someone who appreciates you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 April 2013):
 He does not treat you like a full partner. If he did he would have discussed his choice of beneficiary with you first even if he was going to leave it to his children. I assume you moved into his home. What are the arrangements for when he dies? Because I’m concerned that you will be left like my co-workers mother… she lived with a guy 25 years. He had kids from a prior marriage, he would not marry her, he died and left her NOTHING not even her home of 25 years and within a few weeks of his death his children sold her home out from under her and she had no money, no home, NOTHING. He left her high and dry.
I fear that is going to be your fate as well with this man.
I do not see him loving you as a partner. I think he does want out of the relationship but does not know how to be an adult so he’s doing his best to get you to leave without actually telling you it’s over. He’s a coward.
IF you do it all, stop doing it all. Do not clean up after his adult children or him for that matter. I would not give him one penny at this point. I would give him nothing if your name is not on the deed… he owns the home and I’m betting you are going to be left out in the cold with this guy. I would stop cooking for him, I would stop cleaning for him, I would stop taking care of him or his children.
You are the maid. You are the cook. You are the laundress. And if you are still sexual you are the handy penis holder. Stop rowing the boat and see what happens. Do not give him money if you are not working. Do not cook for him. Do not clean for him.
I would never pay for anyone else’s children just because they want me to. I will tell you I work full time and I make way more money than my husband does and yet I feel BAD that we have to give 300 per month to my first husband for our disabled adult child to help support him. Even though I earn it, we can afford it and he never complains about it, I still feel like I’m taking advantage of him because he never signed up for children. He did not want his own kids and never had them, but he married me knowing this was part of the deal.
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A
female
reader, queenadelaide  +, writes (24 April 2013):
Why prolong the misery of living a lie? It will only become harder to leave as you invest even more in this relationship.
Do yourself a favour and find someone who returns your love and respect.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (24 April 2013):
 You are being prevailed upon for your finances and good housekeeping to date. In the event of his death, he has made it clear – spelt it out in fact of where you stand in the scheme of things! A small token of appreciation or acknowledgement is better than zilch – nothing for one’s companionable partner etc... (What say the law in your country on this?)
Here I take umbrage of his request for more money… in order to pay for his kids – disgraceful! He’s a manipulator alright, and you’d be far better off independent and away from his clutches! Or risk being penniless; when it’s all signed and sealed in his Will that way.
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): Ever heard the saying "ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS"? Im in my 20s and my partner and I have 2 children together. My soon to be husband works full time, helps take care of our kid, he helps clean when Im under stress- I dont even ask. He is very handy and good at building things. Hes building me an overhang/ pen - almost like stalls but more open, for my horses because he knows I love them and that I worry about them. He knows I want to garden so hes digging up the old sprinkler system and is putting a new one in( the old one never worked since we moved in) Do we fight, sure sometimes we do, but after ten minutes we usually appologize/ makeup. But he also does little things helps me around the house, comes home from work with a movie and snacks and calls it our mini date. Those actions, tells me he loves me. He puts effort in. If your man isnt showing you love by doing for you, helping you, things that make you feel special chances are its just empty words. They dont have to be grandiose, just something to show he cares. I wish you luck and you deserve better than empty words.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): Get out now. If he needs more money for HIS children then that is HIS responsibility. You are just a gloryfied live in house maid who gets used for sexual favour.
He will get rid as soon as he finds someone else who is willing to put up with his crap. You and only you can change this situation by getting out and not let him walk all over you any longer. He will only change if he wants to and sadly hes not prepared to do it for you. Hes just not that into you.
Sorry if it comes across as harsh but I think you know what you need to do already.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): Trust your gut. He doesn't want to marry you, he doesn't care to provide even a little to you should he die, but you are to cook and clean & give him more money then you can financially afford. I understand being lonely, but if you feel you are being used, you probably are.
Someone bringing up a miscarriage in the heat of an argument is cruel - that isn't love.
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A
female
reader, babyzbird +, writes (24 April 2013):
I think your best option is to leave him. He is using you and you know that. Why stay with someone who treats you this way?
You deserve better and because you are not married you can just walk away.
Right now I would start preparing on what you are going to do.
Good Luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): He is taking you for granted and getting everything he can from you, many women wouldn't be willing to devote their life to soneone, clean the house, help provide and support their family - if that person wasn't in turn a loving devoted partner, who wanted to show their commitment (through marriage,or leaving some money to you, etc). He is leaving no money at all to you, yet he just expects everything from you.
I dont think he doesnt love you - he probably does. He just loves himself more, however. He also doesnt make an effort to understand your feelings.
I think you need to have a really good think about what is best for YOU, put yourself first for once, you deserve it :)
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A
female
reader, AmyDrakes +, writes (24 April 2013):
I suggest you leave this jerk. You will not see love and respect in a long hall, at that possiably never. If he is threatening to leave you? That is only an indication that he has already thought about it. Even if he apologizes it's just a manipulation. Before he plots anything, leave before it's too late.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (24 April 2013):
This is an easy solution: break up with him. Why do you need advice on this? You don't seem to be getting anything out of it but grief. Never mind your age, there are still single guys.
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