A
female
age
41-50,
*onfusedbutinlove30
writes:I’ve been dating a friend that I have known for over 30 years. Only thing is that he has a girlfriend. He has been with her since August 2016. My husband passed away in 2017 early and he has been there for me. We started seeing each other in Late 2017. We spend a lot of time together. They don’t live together and she has asked him to move in with her several times over the past year and he always tells her no. I finally told him that I was in love with him after 10 months and he said he loves me as well. On our one year “anniversary “ of us being “together “, he finally said that he does have feelings for me. I know that he really does love me as I do him. We know each other better than anyone else, including our former spouses. I feel Like sometimes he starts to pull back a little when he maybe feels like he is really starting to get “committed” to our relationship. Like it scares him that he’s getting so committed and falling deeper in love with me. Out of his 3 best friends, only 2 of them know about our relationship. The other one doesn’t know, but that is because he is my brother. When I told my brother that I liked his friend, he had a fit. He said over my dead body will you ever date him. You don’t need to get mixed up in all that with him. We both feel bad that we still have not told my brother about our relationship, but we just feel that it is just better for now to keep it this way. His girlfriend had asked him about me right after we met each other and he told her that I wasn’t going anywhere. That she would have to accept me being around and in his life, or they couldn’t be together. I’ve told him a couple of times over the past couple of months about my feelings being so strong for him. He tells me that it’s ok for me to have these feelings but to remember that he’s in a relationship already. It’s like WTF! How do I get him to make an actual commitment with our relationship and get her out of the picture? I’m ready to move forward with our relationship and make it official. My biggest fear is that I will loose him if I tell him that it’s time for him to get rid of her. This is crazy I know but her and I are Facebook friends. So when she or even he post pics of them together and/or comments, it really gets under my skin. Especially when they posts about their “Love” for one another. He and I have lots of pics posted together . I’m just so confused and I don’t know what to do. I love him with all my heart and would do anything for him. I just don’t know how much longer I can do this.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (11 May 2019):
 OP, homewrecker or not, you are being selfish and cruel to his girlfriend, just like he is. Losing your husband doesn’t give you the excuse to try to ruin someone else’s relationship. What would your late husband think of who you’ve become? A cold, callous side woman for a cheater.OP, he likes what you have, but you’re replaceable. He does NOT want you the way you want him to. Just for a moment, put yourself in his girlfriend’s shoes. Stop being so selfish and immature. You can have an actual relationship with someone who doesn’t cheat. Your feelings don’t trump hers. He doesn’t WANT a relationship with you unless she leaves him, then he’ll find someone else to be his mistress while he’s pretending to commit to you.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 May 2019):
 Technicalities, OP. You are hanging on to a technicality : a) that you are not actually destroying a family or a home since this man and his Gf do not have one together yet ( Ok, that's undeniable )
and b ) that, since all is fair in love and war, actively trying to steal away a man from his partner , when this partner is just a girlfriend, it's much less questionable than if she were a wife or a fiancee' ( and this is a debatable point- not everybody feels that ALL is fair in love and war ). But, for the sake of argument, let's say we agree on this, that what you are doing is maybe a bit entitled, but not completely despicable. My question is : is it also being effective ? Is it going to be effective ? I strongly doubt it. This guy is sitting very pretty as he his now, apparently he has no intention to change his stance - and why should he, when he can keep his cake and eat it too. He made clear with his official GF that
" you are not going anywhere ", and the poor GF , either because of being naive and not having understood what you two are up to behind her back, or because of being a big doormat who's bad at setting boundaries and demanding due respect, will put up indefinitely with having a third wheel in her relationship. BUT he, on his side, never said or suggested or hinted that he is going to break up with her ; in fact, all the opposite : every time you confess him how strong your feelings are,... he says " Cool, fine and dndy, have all the freerlings you want- but keep in miond that I have a GF and she is not going anywhere ".
( Btw, a bit of a damper, isn't it ? )
What part of " I am in a relationship already " did you not understand ? What's there to be confused about ?!
He wants to stay with his official GF, and he wants a semi- secret tryst with you to spice up his daily routine.
Because he can. Because neither of his women is wise or confident enough to send him packing.
Of course, if you were so sure that he really loved YOU , you could give him your ultimatum : "choose : it's either I or her " .
But you are not sure at all; you are afraid
( wisely, based on what he said and did ) that if you try and force a choice, he will not choose you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 May 2019):
 So basically you didn't come on DC to get advice, you came on DC to HEAR that what you are doing is OH SO OK and that of course he should drop his GF for you.
Get a grip.
If you think it's OK to go after a guy who has a GF, then why bother asking people on here?
Because a GF/Bf can't end up as a engaged or married couple, right?
All I can say is... You ought to know better at your age.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2019): Even if he did commit to you there would be another girl on the side to replace the role your playing. With this man you would never be the only one even if you became a main there would be a side girl you don't know about. Find a single man that wants to show the world his love for you.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (11 May 2019):
 OP I am sorry that you lost your husband that had to be very difficult for you and I'm sure that it felt nice to have someone to lean on. The sad part is that your friend took advantage of you and is continuing to do so. In times of grief, people sort of lose their point of center and do things that they wouldn't normally do. I think this has happened to you and it has made you lose sight of what is really going on.
I want to believe that you are a good person and your vision is just clouded right now. Let's be honest to say "I want to know how to get her out of the picture sounds horrid."
This man has made it clear that he is in a relationship and he's not going to end it for you. He's told his girlfriend that he won't allow her to push you out of the picture..so the jerk is basically using both of you and you are both allowing him to do so. Why is that? He isn't going to leave her for you, OP. He's said as much. He's making you into a cheater and he's sitting back just lapping it up having 2 women wanting him. If you take off the rose colored glasses you will see that he's actually disgusting.
As has been stated IF he would leave her for you...what makes you think he won't cheat on YOU? He will...
wake up darling...you are being hurt and used and you are allowing it to happen.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (11 May 2019):
 I am so sorry to hear about your bereavement and can understand WHY you were so easily deceived by this "friend" when you were at your most vulnerable. That said, you should have opened your eyes by now and realized you are not in a good situation. Bereavement, believing you love someone and/or years of friendship do not give you the right to walk into the middle of a relationship and demand the removal of the long-term girlfriend. Most people would have the MORALS not to do this. It appears you do not. Rather you feel a sense of entitlement to this man just because you "get" each other. Oh PLEASE.
Why do you think your brother is so against the idea of you having a relationship with this man? I would suggest he knows how this man treats women (there is probably stuff of which you are not aware as well as the abysmal treatment of his long-term girlfriend) and wants BETTER for his sister. It is no wonder your "friend" has not told your brother about your relationship. He is probably worried about what your brother will reveal.
Your "friend" has helped you through a difficult time. You are now a much stronger person. It is time to say "Thank you for being there when I needed you. I will always be grateful but it is now time for me to stand on my own two feet. I want to find another man who will commit to me and that is, obviously, not something you are willing to do." He can't make this much clearer to you than he already has: "He tells me that it’s ok for me to have these feelings but to remember that he’s in a relationship already."
Somehow I doubt you will walk away though. You will probably just keep hanging on and hoping he dumps the girlfriend, the girlfriend for whom he openly professes love on social media. With any luck, he WILL eventually dump her and you two WILL become a couple. Then, sometime down the line, another vulnerable female will need his "help" and YOU will find yourself in the same position as the girlfriend was. I hope you then think back and understand what you put HER through.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 May 2019):
 Grown up AS you are, you are really naive. What makes you think he will committ to you, when he doesnt even want to committ to the girlfriend he already has? Its just the same with you, he is the same man, and you would and are facing the same «problem». Let this man go, he is not mr. Perfect in any way and there are other available men out there who are ready to committ.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (11 May 2019):
 Wow, just wow. 41-50?? You sound like a teenager!
This guy is playing you like a fiddle! What self respecting woman would get involved with someone who’s in a relationship? He’s showing you his true colours from the off! He’s a cheater, he gets to sleep with two women and all he has to do is say ‘I love you’, I bet he can’t believe his luck, too easy!
This guy doesn’t love you at all and it’s really sad that you think he does. Why does he have a GF he is OPEN about and you in the dark if he loves YOU? Don’t you see how stupid that sounds? You’re the dirty little secret and you’re wasting your life trying to please this guy when you could be in a relationship with someone who’s happy to tell the world about you.
Even if he did dump this other women for you, how long until he got bored and fell ‘in love’ with someone else? Surely it’s common knowledge to avoid people with these Behaviours like the plague?
It really is sad that people value their self so low to be used for sex.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (10 May 2019):
OP, he doesn’t WANT her out of the picture. You can’t date someone who’s not single. You’re just his mistress. You’re old enough to know better. The reason you’re worried you’ll lose him is because you know he doesn’t love you or want to be with only you. I know it hurts, but this is why you shouldn’t get involved with people who aren’t single. Not only that, but you’re helping him cheat on his innocent girlfriend. It’s low and selfish, OP.
Stop being gullible. You honestly don’t want him - if he can cheat on her, he can cheat on you. Let him go. I know you were vulnerable and he preyed on that, but it doesn’t excuse how cruel you’re being to his girlfriend. She doesn’t have to know about your affair before you should feel guilty.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2019): You don't date someone who already has a girlfriend. This girlfriend is the one dating him. You are his bit on the side. He treats you the way you treat yourself. You knew what you were getting into, so he thought that you were okay with "the rules". You put yourself second. So, he does it too. I'm not judging you. I'm just saying that if you want to be respected and loved, you need to first love and respect yourself. Your actions show that you do neither. You see, he's getting away with it, because both are accepting this kind of behavior. You both are replaceable. For some reason, you are both okay with it, even though you would prefer to have a monogamous relationship. He has zero responsibilities and all the fun. You wouldn't be posting here if you were happy and okay with what's going on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2019): Sorry, my dear! You've been bamboozled! You're the side-chick.
He's the stud in the middle; and all this "in-love" stuff is a play on words.
Players know that if you repeat that you love a gullible female, she'll fall for it. Just keep telling her that; and she's paralyzed and stupefied under the spell of the L-word.
He already told you, she's not going anywhere. That translates into you should know your place. That's his #2!
He has a real and committed-girlfriend, and a friend with benefits.
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A
female
reader, confusedbutinlove30 +, writes (10 May 2019):
confusedbutinlove30 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA "Homewrecker" I am NOT. Everyone has their own idea of what a Homewrecker is. A "Homewrecker" is someone who knowingly enters into a relationship with someone who is Married and/or Engaged to be married in my opinion. He is NEITHER of those. I don't feel that he has taken advantage of me as a grieving widow. We had always said that we like each other over the years, before this, but I had always stated that I could never do anything as he always had a girlfriend at the time. Yes, I know that he has a girlfriend now, but, when a person goes through a traumatic experience in life, that sometimes changes their views/opinions on things in life. I CAME TO REALIZE THAT IF I DID NOT EVER FULLY COME OUT AND ADMIT TO HIM, THAT YES, I LIKE YOU, AND ALWAYS HAVE, IF SOMETHING WOULD EVER HAPPEN TO HIM AND I DID NOT TELL HIM HOW I ACUTALLY FELT, I WOULD REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Yes, I know that since he cheated with me, there is ALWAYS the possibility that he would CHEAT ON ME. I am NOT nanive to that fact. A person can only change for them self. No one can change anything.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 May 2019):
What is so confusing?
Yes, he probably liks you a good deal, BUT not enough to end his relationship and start one with you. He has had AMBLE time to end it with her and he CHOOSES not you.
YOU made a HUGE mistake in starting ANYTHING up with him when you KNEW he had a GF. Doesn't matter if they don't live together. That is NO excuse for you to become a "homewrecker". And NO excuse for him to CHEAT on his GF.
Your brother KNOWS what kind of guy he is, that is why he got so dramatic with you.
This dude took FULL ON advantage of you in your grief of losing your husband, you thought you had a friend to lean on... he saw an opportunity to get something going with the grieving widow.
You CAN'T make him do anything. And you need to stop being such a selfish as callous women to think that he should just "get rid" of the GF for you... How long do you think it would take for him to get tired of you and find someone else? OH, you don't think he would ever cheat on you right? IF he will cheat WITH you, he will cheat ON you.
Don't be so naive.
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