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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:[OP original title]At the very start of our relationship we casually discussed porn. Something along the lines of, so what about porn? Well let's make it easy and just neither of us watches. OK sounds good. As the relationship progressed I made it abundantly clear I am not OK with porn. He says it's not a problem, he hasn't watched since high school. Says it made him feel gross. I once found something in his history, but literally it was one site, from over a year ago and nothing else looked deleted. He swears it wasn't him and it was pretty clearly an ad. It wasn't like redtube or something, the one he told me he used back in high school a little. He's a really sweet nice guy, very shy and I'm his first girlfriend. We seem really sexually compatible too. Same sex drives and we have sex like 6-8 times a week. But it seems like such the norm nowadays for men to lie about their porn that I feel a little paranoid about it. I wouldn't go snooping cause, well you know, it's weird. He said he doesn't like the paranoia and that if it would make me feel better he'd allow me to put keylogger stuff on his computer as he has nothing to hide. I'm not that creepy so of course I said no. But since it's such the norm to lie, how can I put my mind at ease that he's not lying? Does offering the keylogger thing mean he's telling the truth? I only started doubting him when I found that one site like a year ago and he continued to swear he had no idea where it came from. I will never be OK with porn in a relationship, I volunteer with an anti-porn group (he knows this).
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porn, sex drive, shy Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): I've read many, many stories like yours and I am usually the first to think "he's a lying sack of shit"... but, for some reason, I believe your guy isn't a creep like a lot of them.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2010): All I can say is that you've got a wonderful man. :) And no, I don't think he's lying. I think he's a keeper that you should hang on to. Try to trust him more.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2010): i believe that he doesnt use it. And you do have the choice as to whether or not you want to be with someone who uses it, so smart knowing trying to change someone doesnt work! As a side note, my fiance sometimes watches porn which i had an issue with as he lied. But now he doesnt lie and im ok with it. But he tells me daily that im the most beautiful girl in the world too. Just mentioning that as i dont think its watchin porn that makes a guy think his girl is beautiful. Just takes a good guy. Lol. Good luck!
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reader, blahblahblahh  +, writes (7 August 2010):
 If he even offered to use keylogger on his computer then I'm pretty sure he's telling the truth! Not all men watch porn, as shocking as this may seem.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 August 2010):
 And many people pretend to like pornography, because their freinds and peers try to convince them that it's ok...
lol.. you got a nice guy, relax and enjoy, if he does porn, it'll turn up in a couple of months without you even needing to look.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (6 August 2010):
 The word sheeple is a combination of sheep and people. It is meant to define the masses out there who follow the herd rather than think for themselves.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 August 2010):
ps: There are feminist who are anti-pornography, there are feminist who support in and defend sexual freedom..
But you are right, it's a wonderfull subject to research, especially as it's a hidden activity, and therefore finding out the real truth is impossible..
When it comes to pornography, there are statistics, statistics and then their are damn lies... as you said, many people lie about their usage because they are frightened about what their partners may say.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (6 August 2010):
"It's a big deal to a majority of women actually"
A large percentage of women, and most men do not have a problem with pornography... currently arround 30% of women admit to watching and enjoying pornography.. last statistics I saw said 48% of women have no problem with pornography.. yes, a majority dislike it, but it's a small majority and getting less every year as older women who were brought up to think about sex within marriage, get replaced by younger women with different values....
One of the problems with anti-pornography groups, they seek to speak for all women, of all ages in all places in the world.... women are not all the same, some like pornography, some hate it, and some just don't care.. the same thing goes for men.
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reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (6 August 2010):
 omg make me jealous much lol good luck with that hope it goes well for you :)
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reader, YouWish +, writes (6 August 2010):
 Being anti-porn is a lot like being vegan, so that's a good analogy actually. Porn isn't good or evil - it's a tool. Some people use it, others hate it. Some couples use it together, and some use it during times like being single or say - forced medical abstinence (i.e. when she's just had a kid or he's just had major surgery).
This is more a trust issue than a porn issue. There are people who say they're vegans, only to secretly eat an egg and cheese omelet with toast and butter when their partner isn't watching.
There is nothing good about worrying if your guy is one of those guys who hide a porn habit. Hiding a porn habit is no different than hiding a huge secret credit card bill from your husband or lying about your income from your wife. The only way to protect yourself is to spend a long time in the relationship to see whether or not he hides little things from you. You don't have to snoop or be paranoid or drive him crazy asking him over and over. It will come up if he hides things from you. Character flaws present themselves the longer you're together and you both let down your hair with each other.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHaha I missed the whole sheeple thing. That made my day too. You should put that on urbandictionary.
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reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (6 August 2010):
you just said it perfectly dirtball :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGlad I could make your day. :) Course I think compromise is necessary. We compromise on chores, money division, stuff like that. The point of that is no one gets exactly what they want, but both wind up with something they can be happy or at least live with. There are some hills worth dying on and things worth fighting for. To me, this is one. Maybe it's just like that to me, but just as other people have a right to want porn, I have a right to not want it in my relationships. He is a very honest, caring, and giving guy, and I know I'm very lucky (he also just so happens to be the most attractive person I've ever met, lucky me!). That's why we're moving in together in just a few weeks!
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reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (6 August 2010):
sheeple lol sorry i laughed at that/ was wondering if it was a hibred of sheep and cattle lol...well your right to have your rights and if its something you cannot live with then he has subjected himself too it as i said in my first post i dont think hes lying and second i do agree that porn can be disgusting more so what some people do i was in holland once and was scared by some of the shops of what they sold in side *has a look of horror*.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (6 August 2010):
Seriously OP, your "if even dirtball" comment made my day.
Honestly, you sound pretty grounded to me. Like I said before, you absolutely have the right in a relationship to set boundries and ground rules. That's part of the compromise that goes with being with another person. As long as you're willing to make consessions on some things too, and the relationship doesn't become one sided.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not dictating him. I'm saying what I feel is or isn't acceptable in my relationships. Porn is hardly on the same lines as taking a dump. To me I feel like it's cheating, and therefore I want to know. If he was lying to my face about other things I'd be upset too, regardless of whether or not they were "my business." If he wants to look at porn, that's fine but he can't date me too. I don't have to accept anything in a relationship I don't want to. I'm not going to make him change, that never works and makes people miserable and resentful. I don't even know where you're coming up with all these ideas that I'm trying to control him and that I'm going totally bonkers. I just know that most guys watch, a lot of them lie about it when faced with a partner who doesn't want them to, and I just want to make sure I'm not being lied to about something I care about before I commit to spending my life with him. I do love him, he's perfect for me, but if he was continually lying about something I care about then I would just leave.
I think I phrased the whole anti-porn group thing wrong. It's not one of those fear-mongering porn is a sin let's kill Howard Stern things (I don't like those either). It's not even a gathering. I just do research on the subject with some other people. I've done a ton of research on the topic. I got involved just because I got interested in it from a feminist perspective.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (6 August 2010):
LOL, I'm glad I could help. YouWish makes a very good point though. It is always good to question what motivates people to do what they do. Often you'll find that the motivation is far less altruistic than the group is led to believe. Really, we go through our lives as sheeple most of the time, just following the flock. It is always good to think for yourself and come to your own conclusions about things.
Believe it or not, I'm a feminist. I believe that some porn can be very harmful, however most of it is rather benign. Like it or not, it is not going away. And I've seen a ton of documentaries about the harms it does. That still hasn't changed the fact that we live in a free society, and if two or more adults concent to videotape themselves having sex, they are free to sell that to other legal adults. That's just part of freedom.
You definitely don't have to accept anything you don't want to. That's a great part of being free. But I also believe it isn't right to impose your views and hangups onto others, thereby taking away their freedoms. If you truely believe in freedom, then you have to support the fact that there are people out there who have every right to support that which you oppose and visa versa.
Anyway, this got way deeper than your original question. I don't think he's lying. The better you get to know eachother, the more you'll be able to tell. That's one of the things that goes along with getting to know someone really well. Good luck, I think you've found a good guy here.
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reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (6 August 2010):
i have to agree it really isnt your business what he does in his spare time who are you to dictate his freedom! you seem to be projecting this image that you are a dictator. does he go to the bathroom on his own accord using what ever brand of toilet paper or do you tell him what he can and cannot use ? seriously you got to look at what you said from a completely non argumentitive side and youll see is ludicris to dicatate to anyone ! if you start dictating to him you will make him feel a prisoner. my ex did that to me he was pro against smoking so i wasnt allowed he was against many things like that and in the end i left him because i felt like a prisoner we are all like birds we love the freedom under our wings be warned carry on like this and you will loose a great guy because you are forcing your beliefs onto him! im not having a go but what you are saying are traits of what he did and it wont go well! your getting all defensive when she was merely making sure you were doing something you believed in and not what some one has told you to believe. its all good and well having your freedom of speech but dont try to imprison others it wont go well!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's a big deal to a majority of women actually. And it's most definitely my business. And I probably wouldn't start dating someone who ate meat if I was a hardcore vegan type, but with that it's not something people normally hide. I wasn't asking for opinions on whether I should allow porn, I was asking how I can know about it since it's generally a secretive thing. If even dirtball thinks he's telling the truth (I know he's pretty pro porn on this site) I'm gonna go ahead and believe him.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (6 August 2010):
This guy sounds like a great guy! I think you're a little too hyper on the anti-porn gatherings and letting a little fearmongering get the best of you on this one. I've seen "anti-this or that" groups treat whatever object of their fear and hate as if it were the Antichrist personified. 30 years ago, it was anti-gay meetings (which are still around, btw), and they used to come up with these goofy statistics about how the "gay lifestyle" (a term I wholeheartedly despise!) causes a whole mess of society's problems.
I could just tell you to trust the guy, but I'll go a step further and tell you NOT to just trust anything anyone says, and that includes the speakers/leaders of this anti-pornography group. NEVER lock in step to any group, political or religious, without doing your own research and making up your own mind!
I'll give you an example: 30 years ago, there was a massive panic and boycotting of all products made by Procter and Gamble (they make Dawn soap, Downy, Head and Shoulders, Pampers, Duracell batteries, Crest) because the logo (a moon and 13 stars) they were using was said to be Satanic by some religious group. Seriously, there was hysteria that P&G was this great world evil and their products were being used to bring about the end of the world and the worship of Satan.
Come to find out, the starters of this hysteria turned out to be P&G competitors who were trying to sell their products. P&G lost billions and had to defend themselves against what in hindsight turned out to be completely ridiculous and crazy claims, only to find out that it was for monetary gain that the rumors were started.
Never EVER let someone make up your mind for you. And never ever let some cause break you up from a man you love.
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reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (6 August 2010):
omg i want your guy lol he sounds really lovely. i think sometimes when things go great we worry if theirs something wrong and if its a little wrong we can overact or atleast i know i do i know nothing perfect but when you feel on top of the w orld and you get a little tremor you feel like your gonna fall down. but i dont think you have anything to worry about because i bet he would catch you even if you just stumbled good luck sweetheart all the best x
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): It doesn't matter whether he's using porn or not, it's none of your business at all. It really doesn't concern you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLol it's not making my life hell. I just worry sometimes. Thanks for the advice guys. Sorry I do tend to worry about it more because of my volunteer thing. No he's never given me reason to doubt him. The biggest lie he's ever told that I know of was that even though I hadn't showered I smelled great so he could give me oral (but later confessed it was a little gross that day). Plus he doesn't act like most of the guys I've dated who did use it, for instance he's not particularly interested in anal, he has realistic expectations about my orgasm abilities, and he has sex like a romantic cheeseball pretty much always (you know, lots of eye contact and random I love yous and lots of holding close). Oh and he tells me I'm the most beautiful woman in the world pretty much daily. I guess I was being silly to doubt him. I should definitely apologize...
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): You are being way too hard on him. even if he does watch porn why does it matter to you? If you were in an animal rights group would you flip out if he ate meat? You have accept other peoples differences if you want to love someone. I dont think he even looks at porn but if he did, and its not hurting himself or anyone else. why the issue?
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reader, Miamine +, writes (6 August 2010):
Why don't you just relax and wait until he's done something wrong. At the moment you've judged him with no evidence, are worried about him, and making your life hell..
Isn't it better to wait untill he's done something wrong. Being anti-pornography is one thing, but worrying about it without even seeing anything could be seen as an obsession.
Without trust, there is no relationship. Why don't you relax untill he actually does something wrong.
Again pornography destroys a relationship, but it isn't even there, it just exists in the world and you get worried and anxious..
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): He's a guy.. Of course he's not gunna listen to you hun, just get over it guys are guys they all watch porn most anyways if you dont like it then find anotherf guy thats anti porn? Maybe you'll find one in your little gathering??
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reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (6 August 2010):
ok who says its the norm to lie all men dont have the same label sweety! i really have to agree with dirtball on this i seriously dont think he is watching porn! and if he did watch that one clip which i dont think he did maybe his mates put it on or something whether he was their or not! ok and as for the anti porn thats your choice and hes aware of it so dont throw it in his face about this because if he was watching porn i think he would delete it all and make sure you couldnt find it also he wouldnt let you key log his comp either. so my honest opinion hes not watching porn! and hes not lying about it either before hes willing to behonest. hope this helps all the best aphex
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): Everyone feels different about porn. I dont know what the deal is about it. Its a film,they act,its not a real. A keylogger would show everything typed. You declined to take up his offer to his face, but dont trust him behind his back. You are in danger of driving him away.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (6 August 2010):
Well, you can never be sure. Here's the thing. Do you trust him? Has he given you any reason to doubt that he'd be telling the truth? He sounds like an honest and good guy. I can tell you that most men use porn as a masturbation need. If you are having daily sex or more, then it is highly unlikely he's needing any further release. I know that my porn intake gets drastically reduced when I'm in a relationship with someone who I'm sexually compatible with and having regular sex.
99% of the time I'd tell you that he's lying, but my gut is telling me differently in this case.
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