A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met this guy at a work function about 6 months ago. We got along great from the 1st day. At the end of the week I went back to my home and he went to his (a few hrs away from me). We talked just about every day since online and on the phone about everything and anything. We would talk for hrs and it would seem like mins. We finally told each other how we felt one day. He is married and has young children. I seen him recently and we hung out for a day. It was so hard for us to not kiss, especialy when we hugged goodbye. He told me that he has feelings for me like he never felt with his wife and if he didnt have the kids things would be alot easier. He said his marriage with his wife has been crappy for awhile. He is a really good dad and says he will do anything for his kids. He told me he needed time to think about what to do. He also told me after my trip down there that him not kissing me was the hardest thing he had to do but he told me he wanted our relationship to be built on honesty in case something did happen 1 day between us and if it were the other way around he wouldn't cheat on me so it's not fair to cheat on his wife, which I respect. It's just now with work I am moving closer to him and I will be seeing him alot. I tried to just forget about him and he has done the same but we cant. He says he doesn't know what to do and I surely don't. Should I wait and give him time or should I just move on? Can we stay friends and still be sure we eventually will not kiss or even more?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with not wanting to betray his wife. Trust me I never had plans to fall for someone that is in any kind of a realtionship. I have NEVER cheated on anyone and he told me neither has he. He has been with his wife for 8 years. He is now 30. He told me he has never cheated either. He said he never even thought about another women like he does with me until now. It is impossible for to stay away from him completely because we do work for the same company, although in dif offices we do have meetings together at least once a month now. He told me last time we talked that his mind is like a tornadoe and he doesnt want to make a bad decision. He says his wife is a stay at home mom since his 2 kids are 1 and 3. I am not sure if part of his concern is how can he afford the alimony and child support he will prob have to pay plus live on his own? When we 1st told each how we felt he told me that his wife told him he was starting to act different. So I guess they sat down and had a long talk/yelling. I guess they both are unhappy but she told him she does not want to loose him and that she will change. Well it's been 3 months since then and it is the same. We have another seminar coming up next month that we both will be going to and it is in another state. We will be there for 4 days staying in a hotel. We both promised each other that nothing will happen. This will be the 1st time that I get to spend more then a few hrs with him. Although I do believe he doesn't want anything sexual to happen with us I think he wants to use this to help determine his decision. I think he is using this to see how we get along being together in person all day and evening.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (16 March 2008):
 Forget him and move on. This relationship will not bear fruit but only forbidden ones.
You will become the temptress if you stay on and if the family breaks apart, you will be the sole cause of it.
What you sow , so shall you reap.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (16 March 2008):
 Amen, Ask Eve. What Eve said is the right advice for everyone: sort your situation out first, and only then think about getting involved with someone. You need to give everyone a clean start. And you need to demand it from the people who get involved with you.
When you get involved with a married person, your chances of really making it are very low. Everyone wants to think that his/her case will be different, but usually it's not so. Also, when an unmarried person gets involved with a married person, the unmarried person is at a disadvantage. The married person can claim a "higher order" responsibility. The unmarried person needs to accept whatever comes.
There's another reason why you should not communicate with him unless he gets a divorce, on his own. That reason is that his wife has done no harm to you, and she doesn't deserve the harm that you are doing to her. If you were in her situation, what would you think? He said that himself.
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A
male
reader, Stroller  +, writes (16 March 2008):
 This sounds really tender, and I really hope it works out for you both.
Ever since my parents divorced - late - I have always felt that a bloke who would do anything for his kids is a bloke who would leave his wife if he's that unhappy. Kids can heal, but they can only do so when the wound is left to heal - an unhappy marriage is not a good atmosphere in which to raise kids, and "pretending" doesn't cut it.
The Greeks - I think - have a saying "better one unhappy (broken?) home than two", but neither of those options really rate against the possibility of two happy homes, either, does it? If their father finds new joy with a new love - assuming things are genuinely bad at home - then he'll be a better man, a better father for it, and he'll be better able to share joy & love with his kids /end hippy.
I hope you'll share these replies with the guy in question, but I'm sure you know you can't force him to a decision. I would perhaps suggest a break of two or three months in which to allow him to make that - if you're really lucky him & his suitcases'll be on your doorstep next weekend. ;)
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (15 March 2008):
 There is too much chemistry between both of you to just stay friends. He has to make a decision on this. If his feelings for you are strong enough then he will make the decision to first leave his wife and THEN he can have a relationship with you. He will still be able to see his kids when the seperate. DON'T get involved with him as long as he's still living with his wife. Would you like that done to you if the shoe were on the other foot?
The ball's in his court here and it's up to HIM to make the decision whether to leave his wife to be with you and until he makes that decision then I strongly advise you not to let your emotions run wild. He knows what he has to do... it's whether he's strong enough to make the decision that you'll have to wait for.
~Eve~
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