A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Well, last night he told me that he thinks we are "too different" and that he doesn't think it will work out. I am crazy about him. He's a carpenter. I am a corporate professional and I think that the disparity in our incomes bothers him. He wanted me to stay with him after dinner, but I was so sad, I just went home. He's afraid of commitment, and has never been in a committed relationship, we have discussed it. I will go by his house tonight and pick up the few things that I have there, if he says it is okay. I thought it was desirable to be independent, intelligent, sexy and funny. It certainly was to him at first. I think that we are good together, we certainly always get along tremendously, have never argued, are courteous and respectful of each other. He is sensitive, thoughtful, we both have been around the block a few times, can talk to each other, have the best sex, matching strong libidos, and have our own interests, some of which are the same, and some of which are not, which I think is necessary for a healthy relationship. I have always let him have his time out to do his own thing. It bothers him that I smoke cigarettes, but I note that he does too, and I feel this is simply an excuse. I suppose that I will just back off and go my own way, but this connection that we have is something rare, and I am sad to be pushed away from someone who has made me so happy, and as his friends say (and I can see it in him), made him so happy too. I don't know what advice I am looking for. It is just that my heart is bleeding and I am so sad. I know that he thinks too much and he worries a lot, and I don't think that there is anyone else. I want to make love to him, talk to him about what I think is so special about him, about us, ask about what bothers him about me/us. I should have done this last night, but was just so sad, shocked a bit, as I thought we were fine and falling in love, happy together.
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (14 December 2007):
 You are the best judge here, go with what you are feeling. Give him a chance and let him see that you heart doesn't waiver, maybe constancy is what he wants to see. If he's still asking you to go with him on weekends, that a great sign! We are all keeping our fingers and toes crossed for you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your kind advice. I did not go over to his house last night, stayed away. He called and wanted to let me know how sorry he was for hurting my feelings, tried to make me laugh, then invited me to come with him to his friends house in a nearby town so that we can go skiing this weekend. He already knows that I love him, that I see no one but him, but that I will not push him into a relationship that he is not ready for, stalk him, pursue him when he is not ready, we talked about that. He is too unsure and scared, and I have time to wait and see what he does.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2007): I think it would be wise to give this man a time out, let him miss you a bit, back off like you suggested to yourself and let him do the pursuing....it may be that you are in too much of a hurry as I can see that you want a committment from him even though you don't say as much...
Has he ever talked to you about being exclusive or did you just assume he wanted the same thing as you?
Trust me, he knows how you feel about him, he knows what you want from him, and you telling him you love him and actually fighting for him is when his respect for you may end....you see guys sometimes freak out just before they decide they are completely attached to you...and they are so out of touch with their own emotions most of the time that they think if you pursue them in this state then they are justified thinking that it is you they need to get away from....so leave him be for awhile, if he wants to talk to you and you want to talk to him, then fine, but let him lead the conversation at first....listen to what he says and do not resist it or try to convince him to feel differently as this will push him away possibly for good.....just let him see that you are happy being independent that you don't need him, but choose to have him in your life, make him work again to have access to you so that he will see you as a woman of value, and that he may lose you if he doesn't step up....he sounds to me as if he is just freaking out....play your cards right and you will have the relationship you seek, push and convince him to be ready before he is may push him right out the door for good. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, missmel34  +, writes (14 December 2007):
 Oh my!
Oh....I cried when I read this.
I still have tears in my eyes. Probably because we have all been here in some form, haven't we?
Yes you have to be honest with this man and tell him the way you are feeling. I agree with the others, he's getting overwelmed with the emotions hes feeling. I think this has taken him to new territory and hes unsure of his feelings and basically how to navigate it.
Its so hard when we can see such potential in a relationship and we feel such love for the other person and yet there is a world bewteen you.
I wish you all the best, I hope you 2 can truly work this out. Let us all know how it goes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): I agree with birdy. Fight for him so he sees how much the relationship means to you. It sounds like he's just scared of how serious things have gotten but try to show him that the relationship is what makes you good, and isn't he happy with you, things like that. Screw difference. Love should conquer that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): Thank you birdynumnums, he is afraid of being hurt, he just called to tell me that and that he is sorry for hurting me, and that we need to talk later after we are off work. I don't know what to do, try not to cry, no woman looks attractive with mascara running down her face and a red nose ;-)
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (13 December 2007):
What a shame! I'm sad too after reading this! He's missing out on a great opportunity here. This is all about his hang-up with the difference in your jobs. That's terrible. I wish I knew how to help. He wants to stop this before it even gets off the ground because he is afraid he will be hurt. Why would anyone choose that? Is he thinking clearly? Most people realize that love requires a leap of faith. If you love him, don't give up quite yet. Maybe he needs to be pushed in order to see how much he means to you. Maybe he needs you to put your heart out there first? If you are willing, it's worth a try. At least you will have given it your best shot. I always thought that there was no difference in what a man did for a living, as long as he does it with integrity and his whole heart. There is a certain inner confidence that a man has when he believes in what he does that is very attractive to a woman.
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