A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm sorry. I cant write all the details of this at the moment as I am so upset.My boyfriend has told me that he has met someone else. I cant understand it. He still seemed like he was in love with me when I last saw him on Tuesday. He went to his friends house from Wednesday to Thursday. I spoke to his friend on Wednesday and Thursday, and today after I found this out. His friend said that he dotes on me and he is always talking about me. I thought he doted on me too.It has always seemed like he has. I have seen how he looks at me. We spoke on the phone on Friday. He texted me, but I didn't reply, as I was tired and I don't like texting. I prefer speaking properly on the phone.He says he ha always been faithful in relationships. his friends have told me that too. I think you can tell when someone is faithful, and it seems like he is. This is so out of character for him. If this is true, he has cheated on me, as we hadn't broken up. Even now, he still hasn't said that he actually wants to break up.He has been having lots of problems regarding the rented property that he lives in. I'm not sure of the full story. He doesn't tell me much. His neighbours told me that he was drunk last night and this morning. They said he threw food out of his house, and he threw a drink in one of his neighbour's faces.I am crying hysterically. I cant eat or drink anything, and I don't think I will be able to sleep tonight. I have to go on a course tomorrow and I'm worried that I wont be able to concentrate.I went round to his house after he sent the message telling me when had happened. He didn't answer the door. I saw his neighbour and told them what he said. His neighbour said that he had said that he had been talking to a bouncer in the club.He has Bipolar Disorder. I'm scared, because I have read about other people who's partners have done things like this when they have been stressed.I want to write to him, incase he isn't willing to meet up with me. I think I deserve to be told to my face if he has any problems with our relationship. I was thinking of writing something like this. What do you think? . "How could you do this to me?. I haven't done anything to deserve it. I love you with all my heart and I thought you loved me too. I have treated you well and been there for you and been supportive. You still loved me last time I saw you and you said you did when I spoke to you on Friday. You said you were a faithful person. I am. You said you wouldnt want another partner. If what you said has happened is true, then you aren't faithful and you have lied to me. We were still a couple as we hadn't broken up. I always want to be with you. We both said we were best friends. We have been together for two years. I'm crying. ".I will try to post more about this later when I have pulled myself together.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 March 2014):
 He taunts you with cruel “jokes” to make you hurt and TEST your feelings for him and you are ok with this?
You say you love him so much… tell me all the current things going on that make you love him so much. I think you are in love with what you want him to be and what you need him to be.
I mean you say he’s teased you with cruel jokes before like he was moving out of town… and now he’s met someone else… and YOU are OK with this? REALLY?
Why is his making you hurt and cry ok? Using his disease as an EXCUSE is wrong. “oh it’s ok for him to mistreat me he’s mentally ill” is a cop out ON YOUR PART. Why don’t you think you deserve better treatment?
What will you do when his “teasing” is so over the top that you can’t recover from it? What about if he has a friend call and say “he’s dead” and then shows up two days later “SURPRISE” is that oK? Because he will keep escalating his teasing as you learn NOT TO TRUST him over and over…
He’s not stable and he’s not worth all this grief if he thinks it’s cute or funny to tease you like this.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2014): He told me that he hasn't really met someone, and he made it up to get a reaction from me. He did talk to some people when he was in the club. One of them was a female bouncer and one was someone who knows his family. He said that he told his neighbour about the bouncer to wind me up. He was talking to the bouncer when he went outside to have a smoke ( it is against the law to smoke inside public buildings in the UK. The bouncer must have been on the door near there ). He was only in the club for two hours ( I know this because I know that he went to a supermarket that is open all night a couple of hours after he got to the club. He had a receipt that said 1st March and it said what time it was when he went there ). I have always believed that he has been faithful, so I hope he still is. There have been times in the past when he has said things to get a reaction out of me, and he said he does that to get me to go to his house (weird, I know ). Another time,for example, he said that he was going to move out of town.I'm hurt that he played a cruel like that, but for some reason, I still want us to stay together. I love him so much. I met up with him today and we talked about it. Well, I shouted at him a bit too.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 March 2014):
 I'm sorry you feel so broken hearted.
I don't think he has cheated on you, but he might have met someone and fallen for her. If he is bi-polar his mood and emotions can be all over the board. From feeling he LOVES someone to feeling he doesn't.
From what you describe of his behavior he isn't using medication, which... makes it worse. The highs and lows are almost "exaggerated" compared to someone with a regiment of meds, therapy, exercise and diet.
He might NOT have met someone new, but if he feels his life is out of control OR he is having a "low" period he might be pushing people away, such as yourself.
I know you feel he OWES to be with your forever because that is what he "promised". The thing is he properly FELT that in the moment he said it, but things CAN change. Relationships isn't a constant. It's a lot of hard work. Could be that he CAN NOT handle THAT on top of dealing with being bipolar.
I agree with Auntie oldbag, GIVE him some space (GIVE yourself some space). You might even come to find that life not only goes on without him, but that you can have a more PEACEFUL existence without him.
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A
male
reader, DragonMan +, writes (3 March 2014):
 Greetings,
Firstly I am sorry to hear of your woes.
Normally it isn't so hard to read these as they come through but even as an impartial reader I found this troubling to take it.
Secondly I know you are a strong individual so I know you'll get through this and know that you have the support of friends here.
I do not condone cheating on any level as I find it is a breach of trust, a trust that takes time to build and once that bridge is burnt it leaves painful scars so I find the strength you have to tell people about this admirable.
Know that you find solace in knowing the truth rather than being led around for ages. You can now move on, turning on your back on this terrible event and learn that there is always a brighter future.
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A
female
reader, citadel  +, writes (3 March 2014):
I would love to meet your face and say "thank you" for such strong words of honesty from your soul..
For your soul loved words I will give you the skinny.
You are a fully developed lover, to be sure. So you did nothing wrong.
How you deal with it.. you live on.. you let that thing die.
But I'll let you in on that, he's a zombie and count all my letters, he will be back. Arm yourself with something you don't own, haven't been trained at, are unaware of. The power of YOU! Hurt is something we invite, sorry, but ya, it happens. How many lovers have I looked into the face of and simply said "it was our pain that brought us together"
That has left many men in my life looking for a back door or a window to jump out of. But that's ok, I've let them jump.
This is now about the Oh, so painful to say to you "solitary" self. But no worries, here is what to do. Do not get over the PAIN of HIM but the pain of YOU. Ya, I hear you. sucks to realize it's coming from within. But it's not about him, because you'll love a HIM over and over again.
But with that acceptance, it's easy.
Do not EVER EVER EVER let him near you. Talk to you, get in touch with you ever again.
NEVER try to get in touch with him.. Ohhhh that's a hard lesson a harder mystery, but that's ok, you'll know why sooner that you think. NEVER EVER think getting over THIS guy will lead you to THE GUY.. nope, it's not about that at all
It's about leading you to YOU. sucks ya, whatever, but you'll mumble and grumble, those who do will find the "right" relationship. So. The simple answer is Never EVER talk to him again. That's your answer. and through it you'll live a hell and a well of future or very very present possibilities. For you, 'cause I'm psychic, it will happen soon..
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (3 March 2014):
 I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.
I don't want to give you false hope - "I've met someone else" is not a way I would choose to announce the end of a relationship if I entertained any thoughts of eventually reconciling with my partner. I think you are best served to treat this like a full and final breakup as it very well may be one. If he just wanted space, all he had to do was give you some variant of "it's not you, it's me."
This is probably not much consolation to you, but it's pretty clear from his behavior with the neighbors that he's having a meltdown of some sort, especially given his mental history. Throwing food and drinks in people's faces for no apparent reason is not the behavior of a sane and rational man. Unfortunately he is an adult and so unless he becomes a threat to himself or someone else, he is free to behave as he pleases, or as the chemistry in his brain dictates. What I would not do in your shoes is blame yourself for his sudden change of attitude toward you, or agonize over whether you have somehow brought this on yourself. You haven't. You have done nothing wrong here. He's not in his right mind and he's not thinking clearly about what he says and does or who he hurts.
Don't contact him. I know it's hard, but try to get some sleep and focus on your course tomorrow. You will never feel worse about this than you do today - every day, even tomorrow, you will have healed a little more than the day that came before it. Reach out to friends or family for company and comfort if need be, as the people in your life who love you will want to help see you through its hardships.
Wishing you peace and solace.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (3 March 2014):
 You need to let it go. Its difficult, but if don't accept it and continue to seek answers and he will not give you the answers as he was a coward and ended things via message. Yes its sucks, yes your heart is in a thousand pieces. Dust yourself , focus, you have to live, you have to study and yes you will cry and throw tantrums. But just don't call , message or try to get in touch with him. Save your pride, he aint worth it.
Just remember others have been there and have survived and yes we all think that our case is different. Speak to friends and family , you need to let the pain out. The best way to move on is no contact with the ex and to also keep busy. You will get better and yes you will have bad days.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2014): I havent slept at all. I have been tossing and turning all night. I dont know how i will get through this. I will wait for him to contact me.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (3 March 2014):
 The first thing you must try to do is calm down. I know that's hard when your in shock, but until you take some deep breaths and can think logically you won't be able to work out what's happened here
Firstly - his friends will tell you whatever you want to hear, they are 'his' friends and they won't want to get involved, so disregard their views.
Secondly, people can be leading a double life for years without their partner suspecting, then one day, just walk away from kids, home, the lot.
It sounds to me like he has problems he has not and does not want to share with you as his recent behaviour is that of an angry teen on the drink.
I would advise you give him space, this will give you and him time to sort out your heads. Do not contact him or his friends for a week at least. Keep your life going and get over the shock before you try to talk to him again.
He is allowed to finish it remember, if he chooses to, just as you could have. There's no way to do it nicely really if somebody loves you they will get hurt. xx
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