A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I recently broke up with my boyfriend because it was very clear how much we had grown apart in our 3 year relationship. A few weeks before I broke up with him, I started hanging out with a guy regularly. I was never attracted to him romantically but certainly loved the friendship that we were creating. Especially, because the qualities he holds were unlike any that I've ever had in a friend.When I broke up with my bf, I ended up sleeping with my friend. It was such a fun night and both of us were just really happy. I honestly didn't know having sex could be so much fun with someone. We both were very, very clear that there were no feelings attached and continued to hang out regularly and spend time just as we had been before. We haven't hooked up since. He introduced me to his best friend who I ended up clicking with immediately. We both were very attracted to each other. One night at a party, my friend encouraged his friend to "go for it" since he knew I was crushing on his best friend. Of course, I had the best night of my life and we are getting along really well. Naturally, I've been spending time with his friend. I want to continue being single so everyone is very aware that I'm not trying to get involved with anyone but I'm certainly loving my new friendships with these really great men. (Since breaking up with my ex, I've made more friends in the last few weeks than I did when we dated for three years.) I told my friend that I was developing feelings for his best friend and said I wasn't planning on hooking up with anyone anymore because I really want to see where things go with his best friend. My friend supported my decision and all of us continued on with our lives as though sex never happened, which was really great! All of a sudden, my friend who I had been spending so much time with just disappeared. He stopped answering my calls. When I'm hanging with his roommates, he leaves. He won't look at me when we are at school and it's all so very confusing. I was 100% sure we were on the same page because of how many times we talked about everything that's been going on in my life.His roommates said he's just being an ass but I feel like there has to be something deeper than that and he refuses to talk to me. It's driving me crazy because one of the reasons we've been getting along so well is because our communication has been really strong since the first conversation we had. I don't know how much of my story I have to share in order for someone to give me some ideas as to what happened. I also want to mention, I've never hooked up with anyone until recently. It may seem that I was being promiscuous but I am not ashamed because the two guys all this happened with are two of the greatest humans I know and I don't take it back. I just wish I could figure out why my friend disappeared and what's going on in his head. Thanks for you help, cupids.
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best friend, broke up, crush, my ex, roommate Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 March 2014):
 Amen Cerberus.
If filling yourself with the notion that YOUR behavior had nothing to do with it, then go for it.
Don't own your actions. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2014): If you believe that, you'll believe anything.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell everyone, I finally got a hold of my friend after a week of silence. He basically said he needs space because he's not used to spending this much time with an individual and it's becoming overwhelming. I knew it had nothing to do with our hook-up but I wondered about his friend but now it all makes sense. He does keep to himself most of the time so it's only understandable why he needs space and time. In the meantime, I get to keep hanging out with his best friend who loves spending time with people!Cheers!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2014): So you don't know why a friend you used on the rebound emotionally, sexually and intellectually before discarding him for his best friend would be a little distant?
OP there's nothing wrong with hook ups, but when it's a friend it's dangerous territory because regardless of what he says there is always the very real possibility of emotions being stirred which it sounds like has happened.
Not only that but you so very clearly only developed a bond with this guy to get over your break up. It may not have been your intention but it was definitely the reason and maybe he's starting to see how you used him in that way, which you did. Your shoulder to cry on, your emotional crutch and now all of a sudden you don't need that emotional crutch anymore because you've got a wide-on for his friend.
OP you have yourself convinced that somehow your ability to make friends has improved so much and these guys have magically appeared. That's not what's happening at all, you're on the rebound, and using this new guy to take the edge off too. They're not your friends in any kind of meaningful way otherwise you wouldn't be ending up sleeping with these guys and having a pseudo-romance with them.
Both guys are probably only your "friends" because they're interested in you. The first guy certainly is and you know the second guy is too. You're using them as a rebound.
I have no sympathy for either of them, OP, they'll learn very quickly what women on the rebound are like and it'll be an important lesson for both of them. Being used in that way is quite a horrible experience but they won't ever be stupid enough to "befriend" a rebound girl ever again.
Unfortunately I can't say the same for you. you really can't see how you're using these guys and can't even tell that the guy who is distant really has a thing for you and was hoping for more regardless of what he said. You didn't take any time at all to get over your relationship before you started messing around with other guys and even your declaration of staying single isn't going stop these guys getting hurt if they really do like you. What's happening now is one down, one to go, and however many guys you want to mess about until you're mind has finally settled, and you actually face up to your break up and grieve for it properly.
I mean you didn't even wait until you were broke up before you started recruiting guys to be your emotional saviours.
Don't worry about them though, OP, just keep on having your fun, and when you've gone through these two guys and possibly lose all the new "friends" you made too then you'll realize the importance of not playing with the emotions of other people to suit your own needs. It's not a coincidence you're suddenly more friendly, just about the time you need comforting the most. Your mistake is thinking this is some kind of amazing new lease on life. It's not, it's just a rebound.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 March 2014):
Well, I have to say I think you DO know why this happened.
He didn't like being used as a rebound. And then, of all the guys, you went after his room mate next.
You met him SHORTLY after you broke up with your ex, then a few weeks later you had sex with him, using him as a rebound only to chase after and now sleeping with his room mate.
It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out why he is being distant.
I also think you need to evaluate how you look at friendships. FRIENDSHIPS do not involve sex. Once sex is thrown in there the the whole balance is thrown off. Whether you like it or not emotions enter the equation. It's RARE that people can keep their feelings out of "complications" such as sex.
He SAID he was OK with you dismissing your sex as a "mistake" or "it never happened" but in reality he isn't and I think HE FEELS it's easier to just not be around you.
PUT yourself in his shoes for a few minutes then I bet you can see why.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (3 March 2014):
 We will not be able to say for sure as its anyone's guess. I am inclined to think he realised that he had feelings for you and when you made your choice he wants to move on and it is difficult to maintain just being friends with you. He is not being an ass, just avoid getting hurt or even making a fool of himself.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (3 March 2014):
To say exactly what is bothering him would mean that I know your friend which I don't. The more obvious answers are that he perhaps has feelings for you, and in his habit of supporting you probably does not want to continue to be hurt.
The other answer is that he thinks you are moving on with your life and he also wants to move on with his. Perhaps something in his current life is holding him back and heis trying different things to find a change of pace. With you having a new guy in your life it can only lead to great things for you. In his case it would mean losing his best friend and female best friend. I think he knows how it goes so he is just preparing for the inevitable by avoiding you.
At the end of the day, the thing to take away from all of this despite what anyone says is that, in order to understand your friend you must put your feet in his shoes. I am sure everyone understands your past, present and your "page" that everyone needs to be on but your friends have their own books to write and there are lots of pages to be filled. You must look at things from his point of view and this begins from the day he was supporting you with your ex. If all else fails, I can't imagine why it would be bad thing to corner him and find out what is really going on. It surely sounds like he could use a good friend now...
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