A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i think i miss him so much.. he got my phone number through chat.we spent happy times talking on the phone evry night for almost 7 months.he cared for me like no other man can.his feelings developed until he said that he loves me..i also love him. after a few months he told me he was married.and he has a kid.i was shocked.i never wanted to fall in love with a married man. But still we decided to meet.the first time was like a love at first sight.the second time we were passionately in love with each other..he said he felt love for the first time that i have been his strength to face all his problems.he had problems with his wife.his wife is uncaring.unsupportive in his work.and only wants money money.... His wife found out about us. and he never contacted me again. His wife also is so hurt now because she discovered how his husband cheated by romantically talking to me (he is a sweet guy actually. His words i can say are so heavenly .very romantic and true from the heart). One thing he assured me that he will divorce his wife. He just needs time.and i should be patient. Now I havent heard from him maybe 2 months now.. I still miss him.i have many suitors now.. But there is something in me that says i should wait for him.. Should i wait for him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): Yes it was/is his choice not to contact you (since it's so easy to contact someone - email, texting, facebook, ...) if he really wanted to he could. it could be an unwilling choice like if his wife threatened him with something but that's still a choice, he's still choosing to abide by the threats than to risk contacting you.who knows what his reasons are, at this point it shouldn't matter, just tell yourself whatever you need to in order to move on. imagine what the reality would be if he did divorce his wife to be with you now, it wouldn't actually be pretty. It would actually likely be very ugly. Your life with him will be far from happy because he would have permanent baggage in the form of an ex wife who knows you were having an affair with him. since they have kids, she will always be in his life forever and therefore she will be a third wheel in your relationship. A third wheel who hates you. Can you imagine the drama this will cause in your relationship? And that's even assuming he is completely 'over' her, which he may not be, cos you did not meet him when he was already-divorced and 'done' with her.She would probably turn his kids against you and this would drive a wedge between you and him (because he loves his kids but his kids will hate you). Thus your relationship with him will not be happy it will be incredibly stressful and drama filled, because he will always be feeling caught between you and his ex wife and kids and you will be feeling resentful of it. You may post back on here that your new boyfriend's ex-wife is controlling or ruining your relationship. Or that his kids hate you and it's driving a wedge between you.This is a very different reality compared to if he had already been long divorced and single and 'made peace' with an ex-wife before you ever entered the picture. that would be a much cleaner situation because then it's less likely for such an ex-wife to hate you and turn the kids against you thus straining his loyalty to you. Such an ex-wife might still grumble and mumble about you or any other new woman, but is unlikely to try to ruin your life with as much vehemence as one who sees you as the cause of her divorce.(do you see the difference?)Thus, it's too late to be with him even if he were to divorce her at any point in the near future, because it would be as a result of this affair (as opposed to meeting an already-divorced man whose ex-wife would not hate you cos you had nothing to do with her) and the aftermath of that will forever taint your relationship with him.thus, it's best to just move on and forget about him, and not be spending any more time or energy thinking about why he's not contacting you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your answer anon! It is really helping me. Im reading it again and again just to open my eyes.because sometimes im blinded by my love to him. Yes i really pity him... was it really his choice not to contact me anymore?coz i think he just did let me go by not contacting me.is his action was a sign of bravery? Cowardness? Or a sign of sacrifice? will he be happy seeing me with someone new?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): "for the anonymous who answered my question who said that best for me is to move on.. Thank you.i think your answer is very open minded. You fully understood my situation..may i know why? "
I'm that female anon again. The reason I know your situation is because I have been the other woman. And I was also married at the time too (I got divorced later on). My affair lasted for almost 5 years and could/would have gone on longer but I finally ended it. My lover's wife never did find out about the affair. And he's still trying to get me back, but I'm adamant about moving on from him.
My affair really opened my eyes and made me do a lot of hard thinking and 'research' into people's views of marriage and how a lot of people actually live and what marriage means to a lot of people. It's pretty sad.
despite the divorce rate being about 50% in this country, there's a lot of stigma and fears about getting divorced so many people will choose to stay married no matter how miserable they are. this is especially true for people who come from religious or conservative families of origin or were raised in that atmosphere (like me, and my lover). It is actually these people who are most likely to fall into affairs because they actually don't love their spouses anymore yet feel completely trapped and that divorce is not an option.
No, your lover doesn't love his wife in a pure and giving and healthy way. He may feel some kind of fondness or affection for her in certain situations as a house mate or someone he has a shared history with and because they have kids, but his heart and soul doesn't belong to her. If it did, he wouldn't have betrayed her. You dont' betray someone you TRULY love. You can't develop an ongoing relationship involving emotions and connection with someone else if you already have that with your spouse.
So, if it's any comfort at all, don't get upset thinking that your lover loves his wife more than you. He may not love YOU (only you can tell if he does), but he certainly doesn't love her either.
Yes he did choose her over you, that's true, but very likely it's not due to love for her. More likely it's due to love for his kids and not wanting to disrupt their world, or due to fear of what would happen if he were to divorce her.
it's a lot of guilt and shame to deal with if he were to proceed with a divorce, for any reason, affair or not. He would feel guilty for uprooting his kids' lives. The wife usually gets custody so he may not be able to bear not living under the same roof as his kids. This is often a huge factor why men don't ask for divorce even when they're completely miserable in their marriages (instead they have affairs to fulfill their emotional needs that the marriage is failing to provide).
Also he might fear the financial consequences of divorce especially because courts tend to favor the wife in divorce settlements. then there's all the social consequences - he would feel embarrassed when his family and social circle know he got divorced because it's seen as a "failure". He may also be afraid of his wife's reactions if he were to ask for divorce. Especially since she knows about your affair, if they did get divorced she would probably smear his name to everyone in their social circle. But if they stay married then technically they're still on the same team (she wouldn't want the embarrasment) so his reputation is safe. it's like being in a hostage situation.
For these and many more reasons, many people choose to stay miserably married forever because they can't get past these fears. it controls their lives. In the meantime they will develop unhealthy coping mechanisms like turning to anti-depressants or alcohol to dull the pain of their unhappy home life, or distracting themselves with workaholism or getting really involved in their kids' lives.
You should pity your lover because this is the path he has chosen for himself. leave him behind to his misery, don't get dragged into it any more. You should get yourself into a healthier situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): You married man was nothing but a con artist.He used sweet for nothing words to groom you, manipulate your feelings and he blatantly lied to you. What is so romantic about that? You and him have hurt his wife tremendously. You for cheating with this married man (you have no excuses after u found out his marital status) and him bec he got with an available girl.Are u the first female to be duped by a MM, Nope. And you certainly won't be the last.Why do u want to be with this cheating MM anyway? Why did he not bother about you? Bec he was caught and bec he knows his wife has caught onto his 'affairs'.As one woman said, she stole her hb from his wife 7 years ago. And currently she is paying the price bec the cheater has struck again. Do u want to become this? Or do u want to be selective with whom you have relationships with.Your choice but plse choose wisely.Married men are bad news. They all say the same things: don't love their wives, wives are uncaring, no sex, no nothing. Strange thing is that this is new to their wives.Open your eyes and see this situation clearly. He played you and he got caught. Now he is 'behaving' while his wife monitors him.LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 January 2011):
 OP, did you really not figure out why he left you just like that ?
Because he got caught by his wife , that's why. She must have understandably raised hell, or at least strongly complained , and he did not want to risk more trouble because of a superficial flirt.
Sure, he told you he did not love her, he was in love with you, he was going to leave. her But think , Op : is this a person you can authomatically trust ? can you be sure he tells the truth ? ... I'd say no. After all, he waited for quite a whiule before confessing he was married with children, he told you after having hooked you emotionally. Instead, ...that's kind of a relevant information when you start talking to a single girl, and the omission is meaningful.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfor the anonymous who answered my question who said that best for me is to move on.. Thank you.i think your answer is very open minded. You fully understood my situation..may i know why? And for those persons who patiently read and answered my question.i want to say thank you.. I learned a lot from you! i still have a lot of questions in my mind.pls let yourself be known and do not be anonymous.. Why did he not contact me anymore? I just need an explanation from him.why did he leave me just like thAt.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): I wouldn't bet that he is working on his marriage or even if he is that it's gonna succeed. His marriage is probably in the sh!thole now, but that doesn't mean they will divorce either, more likely they will just continue to limp along for the sake of the kids.Infidelity occurs when there's already huge problems in a marriage. When the spouse finds out they have been cheated on, this creates enormous problems on top of the pre-existing ones. many people simply never get over their spouse's infidelity.Even if they are trying to work on their marriage, the reality is that it is extremely difficult and the chances of it truly succeeding are slim. But the thing is, they may try FOR YEARS before they finally throw in the towel and divorce.or they may just not divorce ever and just live forever in their unhappy marriage.The more likely scenario I see is that they continue to remain married, maybe for the rest of their lives, for the sake of their kids. And they may go to counseling and try to make things better and it will work a bit here and there but they still can't overcome the huge trust issues but they still won't divorce because they have kids. this can go on and on in a cycle for years and years. During this time he will continue to tell you (or whoever else he's having an affair with) that he will divorce eventually and just needs time. But actually it's just a never-ending cycle.Finally they end up just continuing to stay married to keep the facade alive and just be miserable for the rest of their lives. he will continue to have affairs on the side whether with you (if you're still waiting around for him!) or with someone else, and maybe at some point she will have an affair too because their marriage is so miserable. Or maybe she will wait til the kids are grown and left home before she finally divorces him because of him cheating on her years ago (i.e. right now, with you).That's what I think is likely to happen. I don't think he will divorce his wife to be with you anytime soon. You best just move on and not wait for him.besides, he's a liar. He lied to you that he was married and had a family, and he lied to his wife. Thus when he tells you he's going to divorce her, I would consider that a lie as well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): I am that wife. Infact, In November. I found something on his phone from someone just like you. Leave married men alone. They will lie and say anything to get you into bed. Take it from me, I stole him AWAY from his wife 7 years ago. And now he is doing it to me. You are better off to find a man who is available. Do not believe his lies. You will be the next victim, just like I am!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): You want this man to leave his family. When i was younger my dad had a affair like this one. You have no idea how sad this made me feel, it has affected my life so much and I can never forgive my dad for that it made my mum physically ill from worrying and I have suffered in many ways, at school it affected my behaviour and I was constantly in trouble, I would just like to say if you are willing to put someone else through this you are sick, it is one of the worst things that can happen to a family and child and I think you need to move on and stop dating a married man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2011): I am going to be real honest with you. NO. Don't wait for him. MOST husbands do NOT leave their wifes for their mistress. How can I testify this? Statistics and stories. I believe that you have believed and accepted his lies.
Why would you want to be with a man who is cheating on his wife that he may cheat on you?
His words are strong and convincing, but his action speaks louder. I don't believe that anyone has the right to step into a marriage relatioship, even when they're not doing so perfectly well. Not only this sounds like a rebound (although I'm sure it might not be) but being used is the worse thing anyone wants to experience. Don't wait for him. You are wasting your time.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (16 January 2011):
 The question for you, do you really want to be with a guy who wasn't upfront with you that he was married in the first place? Do you want to raise his child? Do you want to have to deal with the wrath of his ex-wife from here until eternity as you interact with her in raising his child?
Doesn't sound easy when you add up all the negatives. There's bound to be plenty of suitors that are honorable, don't have baggage and would be able to give you 100% of their time.
If this guy still had you in mind, I think he would've found some small way to keep in touch. Since it's been two months, his wife probably told him to drop you like a bad check -- and he's listening to his wife.
I really recommend that you read "10 Stupid Things Woman Do To mess Up Their Lives" By Dr Laura Schlessinger. She describes your situation and what you are dealing with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2011): No do not wait for him. Everything aside (such as the things he said etc) lets look at the facts:
1. He lied to you for MONTHS about having a wife and kids.
2. He has a wife and kid.
3. He meets up with you whilst having a wife and kid.
4. He was dishonest to his wife and hurt her in the process.
5. As soon as his wife found out he cut all contact with you.
He is only asking you to wait for him, so that he can cool things down at home with his wife and then get back to having you on the side. Do you REALLY want a man like this?
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (16 January 2011):
 No hun, because he isn't waiting for you! He's working on his relationship with his wife. He hurt her very badly and loves her, despite what he might have told you. So now he is trying to make things work with her - probably in counseling working on their issues.
You are young and have no reason to wait for him. Don't you want a man thats all you own? Not someone that goes back home to his wife and their romantic relationship.
He told you some truths and some lies, but his actions speak louder than words, his wife means alot more to him than you do.
Move on and find love with someone available :)
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