A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was with my exboyfriend for 2 years. We lived together and were seriously talking about marriage. I made a huge mistake and moved out. I was really stressed out and thought he was the cause. Now that I have moved out, I am miserable and want him back. He then told me that he was confused. He did not want to break up at first so we still spent alot of time together after we initially broke up. After hanging out for a couple weeks, everything was going great. So, I asked him if he was moving on or was if he was still confused about things. At first he said, 'I dont know' and then he told me he was moving on. This crushed me! I contacted him about 5 days later and asked if he would come over to my place to talk. He told me that he would really like to come over and hear me out. I told him all that I had realized about our relationship/break up. I explained what I had learned about myself and that I am seeing a counselor so I do not make the same mistake again in the future. While I was explaining all this to him, he started crying and gave me a big hug. He told me he was very happy that I had told him what I had realized and that he was really proud of me. He gave me another big hug as he was leaving and told me that he would be in touch. I dont know if he said that just to be nice or if he really has plans to contact me again. How do I know? How long does it usually take guys to call in this type of situation?Everyday that goes by, I just get more and more depressed about the situation. Is he missing me as well? Why has he not called yet?
View related questions:
broke up, crush, depressed, moved out, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (17 December 2009):
 Ouch! If he's never had a serious long term relationship before, then this really hurt him.
I can see where the mass of confusion is coming from with him. Its not meant that he get confused, but I think he really is confused. All those mixed signals are driving him nuts, and he's probably feeling really hurt too.
Its hard to say because if he's a home body, then he's basically going through this alone. The calling and such right after the breakup probably confused him terribly. So he doesn't know what to think or what to believe.
Its a coin-toss. He could be doing a re-evaluation of his entire life, or just vegetating in front of a TV set.
He could be worried about your stress issues, and, he's just keeping his distance so you can iron those issues out first.
The typical response most people in the professions will tell you is that you need to work on your issues first. Period. Once you've resolved them to your satisfaction then you're okay to go and deal with your significant other's. But the problem I see here is that he's out there spinning around and may not himself know what's going on.
So the other experts will tell you to give him 30 days or so to kind of re-order his issues while you fix your own.
Its really difficult to tell.
However, the holidays kind of mess everything up for everyone. If he's hurting being around people who are all cheery and such is just going to make him feel more depressed. Drinking a toast with your friends is fun, but not if you're unhappy.
He knows you love him but now he doesn't know what to do about it. So he's lonely and scared, or lonely and confused.
And yeah, guys do get all sappy around the holidays especially if they go out and get wasted which I hope he does NOT do.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIve never really smothered him before but I know I did for a bit right after I moved out. I kinda freaked out that I had really lost him so I contacted him way too much. I know that now looking back.
Hes never had a serious long term relationship like we had. He told me many times that we were meant to be together and that he wanted to marry me.
He doesnt go out much (we were both home bodies and spent all of our time together) so I know hes not out meeting other girls.
Besides when I was traveling with work, we were together non stop. Thats why it is so hard that he is not contacting me now. I do not understand how he could have loved me and said he wanted to marry my just months ago and now he doesnt contact me.
Maybe he never really loved me like he said he did? Im not sure how you can fall out of love that quickly if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. We would always talk about our future children and were making plans to buy a new house together.
He knows that I still love him and want to be with him. He also knows that I am dealing with the stress and pressure issues that I am going through. Im not sure what else to say to him. I feel like since he knows that, it needs to be him that makes the next step to contact me. Am I wrong?
Do guys get sappy and miss girls during the holidays or is that just a girl thing?
...............................
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (17 December 2009):
Four days ago? Okay. I didn't realize it was that soon. Well you could leave him alone, but I would suspect the holidays will pull him down a bit. You know him best. Has he ever felt smothered by you before?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAre you sure I am not smothering him if I contact him now? I am really afraid of pushing him farther away. The last time we talked was 4 days ago. Is it too early to contact him?
...............................
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (17 December 2009):
You asked: "How are you sure that he will call?"
You need to call him and find a way to get together with him. See my other answer. He may be afraid to call you right now.
...............................
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (17 December 2009):
He's afraid you'll hurt him again. It isn't rejection that's playing here as some posters suggest.
What happened is that he had a lot of trust and faith in you. After 2 years, you two built up a great deal of emotional intimacy, or so he may have thought.
With the possibility of an impending marriage, mixed in with your insecurities, or possibly some of his masked insecurities, you two fell apart as a couple.
The mistake you made up front was not confiding in him all the things that made you feel emotionally upset, and working on fixing your relationship together as a couple.
Because you hid your emotions from him, he feels that he can't have the kind of faith and trust in you that he had before. Its like having to sleep with one eye open or worrying about the other shoe dropping.
He's afraid to take you back because his heart's broken even if he won't admit it to you.
You were probably the love of his life. A dream of the future so to speak. When that future gets crushed, even slightly, it sets off an alarm inside him. He wants you but he's afraid of you.
Now that you've moved out and you want back into his life, he's worried about the next time you'll run out on him.
His fear is ABANDONMENT. Being left out in the cold to fend for himself, emotionally.
Its not easy for men to just go out there and ask friends or family for help. If he can cry in front of you, he trusts you with his emotions. But he can't trust you completely because he thinks you're going to hurt him again.
The only way you can get him back is if you can convince him that you know he's what you want in your life, and you're never going to change your mind ever again. And you have to not only mean it when you say it, but mean it period.
And that is going to take some sacrifice. He has to know you've got something invested in your relationship -- something important enough to you to give up so that he will know you won't leave him again.
Likewise, he has to make the effort to be there for you.
You two need to spend real quality time rebuilding that mutual emotional support and trust. You have to be able to open yourself up to him with no more surprises.
If you're in counseling, take him with you so he knows its real and he can help. That is if he's willing to make that effort, which in itself is going to be a sacrifice on his part (based on what's happened so far).
Understand that right now, deep-down inside, he's incredibly lonely. And letting you back in only solves half the problem. He doesn't want to hurt like this again because of you.
If you do this to him again, he'll be crushed even worse.
I know what I've written seems incredibly harsh. But you have to sense what its like inside his heart right now. Its broken and he probably has no idea what to do. Would you want him to try and fix this situation entirely alone? No. He wouldn't know how. He needs you and you have to be clear that you won't hurt him again. That is if you really, really do want him in your life permanently.
But if you're playing with his heart, your going to hurt him much worse and ruin love for him forever.
Be good to him whatever you do. It sounds to me like he really is deeply in love with you, and he's in a great deal of pain too.
...............................
A
female
reader, Good Girl +, writes (17 December 2009):
 I just believe it..just try to keep smiling, no frowny y'hear? :P
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHow are you sure that he will call?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHow are you sure that he will call?
...............................
A
female
reader, Good Girl +, writes (17 December 2009):
Guys don't handle rejection very well and I'm sure that both of you are feeling very insecure. He may be afraid of you rejecting him again! It sounds like both of you know each other well and are learning to communicate. I would go forward with your plan to work on yourself so that when you have the opportunity again you can know what you really want and need. Try to let go of your misgivings of past mistakes. There is only one way and that is forward. He needs time to heal too. Keep loving him because he is part of you. You are part of him too but you must realize that it takes time for trust to build again after so much confusion. Don't beat yourself up for it. Learn and love yourself. Then the love you give will be much stronger. There's hope here.
...............................
A
male
reader, nice boy +, writes (17 December 2009):
 it takes guys a long time to call in this situation most likely because he has no idea what he's going to say.he will call he is just affraid HE might say the rong thing and ruin the relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, dazey  +, writes (17 December 2009):
You're probably the best person to answer the question here since you actually know the guy! Is he the sort to just fob you off? is he likely to say something just to say it, or does he say what he means and mean what he says?
He might be missing you, but then he might be out there enjoying his new-found freedom.
I suppose you don't want to be overly clingy- although it doesn't sound as if you are anyway- but don't let things slide too much and get out of touch.
If you haven't heard after another week or so- however long you're comfortable with- why don't you invite your ex for some dinner or similar, or just an informal activity, just so long as it isn't just for another relationship chat, which he might well avoid. If you make this clear to him he'll probably see it as you trying to initiate something and his reaction will tell you if he's still there or not.
He might have been to proud to admit that he still wanted you when you asked, or he might indeed be moving on, you'll have to work that one out based on his character.
good luck
...............................
|
