A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Been seeing a guy since August. Told him a few weeks back that I loved him. He said he wasn't there yet, which is fine. Last weekend when we were both really drunk he told me he loved me numerous times. The next day once he had sobered up he said he didn't love me yet but deeply cared for me. So which is it? Does he love me or not? Also, I tell him I love him quite often. Should I refrain from saying this until he feels the same?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (8 December 2013):
 I used to tell my husband I love you all the time. He never told me. In fact, he even told me early on in our relationship "do not expect to hear "i love you" I never say it. Over time he changed slowly.
Usually hearing I love you from him had to involve alcohol but after over a year of marriage and three years together, he's getting better at saying it when sober.
My last husband told me "I love you" very early on and very often. What I learned is the WORDS mean nothing... the actions mean everything.
My current husband when sober shows me perfectly how much he loves me. He rarely says it and when I hear it now I truly treasure it. I've also learned to reserve telling him that I love him for very special occasions as it really does get diluted if you say it all the time.
After 4 months a drunk man saying I love you and then retracting it the next sober day means just that he was a drunk man running his mouth and he does not yet love you in his determination.
He probably also questions if you truly do love him if it's only 4 months in and you say it frequently. I realize that my ex husband didn't love me but had learned that those words were very powerful in tying a person to you if they wanted to be loved badly.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 December 2013):
 I don't think you should give much value to anything a person says when drunk. There are so many affectionate effusive drunks ,people who get all sentimental only when, or mostly when , they are in their cups- probably the guy is among them. Always better than a mean drunk who hates and berates the whole world when he's had a few too many, but equally unreliable .They don't hate to death and they don't love you to death when they are drunk, they are just ... being drunk.
As for expressing him openly your love- it depends. If you tell him lots of I love yous in the attempt of coaxing him to say it back to you, stop, it's not working. If you say it because you feel it BUT you feel bad and sad not hearing it back- then stip, why looking for ego bruises.
If you have this feeling in your heart and you just want and need to express it, no expectations, no strategies, no resentments,.. then go ahead and say it whenever you want.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (8 December 2013):
 At 4 months you should probably just still be enjoying the dates and continue getting to know one another. I agree with Jannie and youwish...it's a little early to start telling him you love him but you can show it in your actions by being supportive and caring.
If he is showing you the same and is affectionate and considerate, then things are building and going well, he doesn't necessarilly have to say the words!
At 4 months, he will still be making his mind up about you and thoughts of a future with you might not occur to him yet...but after a few more months, if you don't feel things are moving foward, then it's your choice to end it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 December 2013):
 I had to think for a bit before answering this one. If you've been together since August, then you've been together 4 months, which is often not long after a couple decides to become exclusive and/or become sexual. 4 months is also pretty early to be declaring love.
Janniepeg is quite right - to you, it's expression of emotion. To a guy, it's a declaration of commitment, a "next level" event that carries a set of obligations and a lot of weight to it. He may not be ready for that step yet, and understandably so! At 4 months, that's too soon for most people to say it, though there are exceptions and there are no "set" rules on "should". You told it to him at the 3-month mark, which is WAY too soon. He was being honest with you in returning that love.
As for whether or not you should keep saying it, I would tell you to say it much less. I can tell by the tone of your post that you're not using "I love you" to manipulate commitment from him, which many women do. You're saying it because you feel it. Since he's not ready to make that commitment, I think you should back off saying it to him. Instead, concentrate on diversifying ways to show it as well as accepting his way of expressing his emotions. That way it won't feel like pressure to him, and when he says it, you'll know it's from the heart.
Now if it goes to 8 months to a year and he's still reluctant, then that could be a problem. However, at 4 months, I'd be more patient.
Finally, you know he's feeling it if he was letting the L word fly while he was drunk. That might happen again, and in this case, take the pressure off of him, smile and say "you know, they call it 'liquid courage' for a reason. There's no pressure on my end, but I look forward to the day that the courage will be your own and not alcohol induced". Then smile, kiss him on the cheek, and leave him wanting more. Then hold off on saying it yourself.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 December 2013):
 Your definition of love might not match his. You say you love him because you felt like expressing your sentiments, but for lots of guys saying the L word means devoting his whole life to you, at your disposal. Some men just dislike saying those words. You can continue to say what you want with no reservations, just don't say it to hear his response, or to gauge where he's at in the relationship. Look at his actions and not the mere 3 word utterance. I find it easier to inspire a man to do things rather than to say certain things.
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