A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I really need some advice! I recently found out that my husband of 16 years-married since we were both 21-has been cheating on me for 6-7 months with someone I know( a mother up at our local school)-we have 2 children. He said because he felt I didn't love him and he thought I was having an affair! He said it was just sex and meant nothing and says it's now over. The problem is-I trusted him 100%-stupidly and I can't forgive him for it-happened 3 months ago-although I took him back to try and mend the relationship, I don't trust him and don't feel the same about him -in fact I really don't think I love him anymore. Is it too soon to throw it all away or am I just hanging on to a lost cause. Last year I worked with a guy, there was an electric sexual attraction between us-but I brushed off his flirting because I was a married woman-I am so so sorry now! I think about him all the time and am desperate to have him-I think I'm in love with him! I see him about, now and again but have been out of the dating game for so long,I haven't got the nerve to do anything towards him as I just go to pieces when I see him -I know pathetic arn't I! what shall I do-I'm so confused-I'm waiting for destiny to play it's part-but I'm so unhappy and become more desperate for some happiness by the day. Please help!
View related questions:
affair, flirt, married woman Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2007): There is an ultimate need in this marriage for both of you to feel happy and important. But rather than working on that, the two of you have sexual romantic outside fantasies/liasisons that have severely damaged the intimacy. You've fantasized about some guy at work and your husband went one step further...he boinked a little honey on the side.Your marriage was in trouble long before your husband's infidelity and you both were weak and you both contributed to it. Both your behaviors were and still are self-serving and damaging. You both want to be needed but not by each other. How sad that you need others outside the sacrament of a 16 year marriage to measure your own self-worths and seeking the feeling of fulfillment. The guy from work is not someone you love...you are infatuated. Love takes years to buildand mature, it takes sacrifices and committment. It's right under your nose. What you both need is intensive marriage counseling. Couples don't try hard enough to stay together. They don't talk over problems, nor try to identify the issues. And they don't take the time to really think about what made them fall in love. There is a way back from the tragedy of infidelity in your marriage. If your husband has taken responsibilty for his cheating, if their is true remorse then you can forgive, if you will allow it. You don't say he has a history of this, so we aren't talking about a philanderer. We are talking about two people who simply have lost their way and need help getting back on track. Save your marriage, stop the swooning over the guy from work-he's just looking for an easy lay. Don't you question the character of a man who would trespass on another man's marriage? There is nothing there, hun. Just short lived orgasms and thrills and long term pain. Work on this with your husband. Both of you-be accountable for your actions here and try to find your way back. Good luck
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (25 June 2007):
 How can you think you love a guy you worked with? Love is a big word. And if you think you're in love with him, you've spent too much time thinking about him and not enough on your marriage. That might be part of what you're husband sensed. This in no way validates what he did.
I think your were probably flirting somewhat with the guy from work. IF there was "an electric sexual attraction", as you say, I can imagine he picked up on the sparks you were giving. That doesn't make you bad, just off track. It's OK to feel the attraction but yo shouldn't have shown it. And if there was electricity, you must have been showing something.
So, if you go for the guy you were feeling electricity with last year, is it safe to say the relationship was born out of something that happened while you were still married. And if this was going on at work, how much time were you spending trying to get the spark going with your husband? These are common steps down the wrong path.
Can you forgive your husband? It's hard to say. Was there a crack in the foundation of your marriage...probably. You both stepped over the line, he stepped with both feet though.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2007): Sorry to say but if he had an affair you need to take some time and go away with one of you girlfriends and leave for a week or two. be a woman you and the kids take off and have some time away rom your husband
...............................
A
female
reader, bubbloo24  +, writes (24 June 2007):
 WOAH! Time to get rid!!!
You don't have an affair coz you think your other half is having one!
I know it's probably hard but he's messed up big time on this one.
I really don't think this guy is worth it, I mean, if you thought he was having an affair, you'd question him about it wouldn't you? you wouldn't just jump into bed with the first person you saw!
I think you can do much MUCH better than him lovely. He's really gone too far this time.
If you are prepared to forgive him consider this :
Would you be able to forget what he did?
Would you be paranoid so much as to check up on him all the time because you don't know where he's been or who's he's been with?
Would you, in all fairness, probably cheat on him to get revenge?
I don't know whether the relationship could carry on after this as there are so many things surrounding this that could lead to a long and horrible break up.
I would, in all honesty, leave him now to save having a long and horrible break up. If he cares for you so much he will do anything to get you back, if not, then he's obviously not worth the bother.
Look after yourself sweetness. xx
...............................
|
