A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. My bofriend proposed 2 months ago. As he has 2 kids with ex, he spent Saturdays taking them out somewher, dropped them back at their mom's because she doesn't like them sleeping out and on Sunday took them to visit their grandmother from about 10 am to 3pm, then home to mom again. Every weekend. We were discussing in a vague sort of way what we would do after we were married like taking trips etc. He seems to think that he will keep up this pattern with the kids at weekends after we are married too. I said that as we will be living together and not just visiting one another, things may not work that way, but he dismissed my concern and said he wants to keep the pattern because the kids are used to it, until they are too old to want to visit with grandmother anymore. They are 6 and 4 now. I don't think that is going to work for me. I respect his time with his kids but surely we could also do things together? I am worried that this is a big red flag, and I don't want to get married if he is not flexible on this. But maybe I am being irrational, so does anyone think I should agree that we can live like that until his kids are older? I would like to have a child too.
View related questions:
grandmother Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 August 2014):
 Once again, I agree with Honeypie, and , unpopular opinion that it may be, I think that it takes a special kind of love , and a special kind of generous heart, to take up with people with certain kinds of baggage ( small children ) ( And Honeypie should know because she did it ). You have to be open, selfless and patient nearly to a point of heroism... and if one does not have that in herself, she does not need to beat herself up, it's not for everybody, but she DOES need to consider well all the pros and cons and read well the fine print before signing on the dotted line.
I am not totally clear too about what you would like to see happening once you are married . Do you feel he should stop taking the kids to visit grandma on Sundays , 10 am to 3 pm. ? I don't think it's going to happen, and I don't think it should happen. That's the kids' grandma, besides being your bf' s mom. They love each other, they have built their little routine which is age appropriate and that obviously everybody enjoys, and asking the kids to give up that because dad has a new SO.... mmmh- THEY are the first SOs in their father's life anyway, it's normal plus he made that clear to you. At most, you could ask to JOIN them, as an official member of the family , that would be more than reasonable. Then, if you tell me that you can think of better ways than spending half Sunday at your MIL's... I can't blame you, but, that's how it goes , the " one-on- one " romantic times take a big cut.
As for having them on Saturdays and doing things together, well, yes, I think you will, and I think you should. Again , if you want to join the outings with the kids , that should be fine, you do not have the plague that you should be kept away from your stepchildren ! ( although, I also think that they still should have dad ALL to themselves, every now and then ) . If you mean he should bounce them off to their mother or other caretakers every Saturday, so that he and you can spend romantic, intimate times alone,... I don't know how right that would be, and anyway, it sounds like it's not going to happen . As for the kids sleeping at their dad's place, it's just weird that they are not allowed to, I can understand with newborns and toddlers it may be too complicated and unpractical and it's just simpler to bring them back home to mom, but why at 4 and 6 they can't spend the night with dad, I don't know. Anyway, as someone else pointed out, that's somethinng HE should negotiate and solve with his ex.
I would suggest you to be very precise and detail- oriented about what the routine would be, when, doing what, from which time to which time... to KNOW what you are getting yourself into. Only with full program and full info and full disclosure about your role into all this you can make an informed decisison, and decide if you can and want to handle this - or if unluckily it is going to be a dealbreaker. Don't wait until you are married to find out there are situations you can't cope with. There's already a divorce, and already 2 young kids ( without counting those he may have from you )- better be very prudent in making decisions.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 August 2014):
 From your post it is hard to figure out IF you are part in these week-end trips with the kids. IF you are NOT part of the spending the weekend, but expected to "entertain" yourself EVERY week-end, I think he is being unfair to you.
If you are supposedly going to marry him YOU should be included in the family going ons.
At 4 and 6 they ARE old enough to sleep over. What I find odd is that your Fiance seems to have no say in that, he is just doing as he is told by the ex. Do they not have a visitation agreement?
If you expect him to give up his weekend time with his kids for you, then I think YOU are being unfair. HE is a dad. He gets Saturday (only) with his kids and that makes you feel he is inflexible. Sorry, YOU came AFTER the kids.
Also I think waiting TIL after you get married to live together and see if this can work, is not smart. If you marry him, move in and THEN find that this is NOT at all something YOU want... it's kind of too late to walk away, you will have to file for divorce and deal with ALL that.
Personally, and I know it's NOT a popular opinion, I think dating a person with kids is potential drama and disagreements. I married a man with an ex wife and 3 kids and as much as I love the guy and all the kids (his and ours) I could have spared myself from YEARS of drama. HE had SO much baggage compared to me. I ended up giving up WAY more then I really wanted to, to make things work, and yes, I DO resent that (even 17 years later) but I have accepted that that is how it is.
YOU need to figure out if this is your future or not. IF you marry him YOU will be these kids stepmom. They will be your weekend kids.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2014): Hopefully when/if you have kids with him, you will all do things together brothers sisters etc. Compromise, Could kids sleep at Grand parent's on a night after spending the days with you and their dad, mum needs to pull together and meet you half way.
You can not expect Dad to not see his children,they are here with him for life and with you if you stay. If you can't accept his children and with a view to been a good step mum, then you would be better off getting out now.
Children are for life not just christmas.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 August 2014):
 Give the ring back to him.... and find a man who doesn't have such baggage. You'll be much happier... and this guy will have no encumberances on his time with his kids.... Everybody wins....
Good luck....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2014): I'm slightly confused here, are you saying he is keeping his other kids separate from you and not including you? or are you saying you want him Saturday instead?
Because if it's the second and you think he should spend less time with his kids then you should walk away now. He only gets a few hours with them one day a week and you want to take that away from him? Not going to happen.
If the former is true and he's not letting you near those kids or for you and them to do things instead of just him then you need to find out why that is.
Something tells me that his ex is demanding this, I mean she won't let them stay over night at your house?
OP you should give us a bit more detail and clarification, the advice you'll get is very different.
I'll say it again though, to me it sounds like you want him to stop seeing his kids every weekend as a condition of marrying you, it would be a huge mistake to think you can make him choose you over his kids because that would make him a shit father and it would mean he'd be a shit father to your kid too because he lets others decide for him how much he sees his kids.
Seriously, say you and he had a kid and then divorced. What kind of father would you want him to be? One who sees your child regularly and is hands on, or a douche who lets his new woman tell him he can only see them sometimes?
...............................
A
female
reader, Lonely 81  +, writes (24 August 2014):
Congrats on your engagment. That being said, I don't think you will like what I have to say.
Once someone has a child they become part of who they are. If you are going to marry him, then you will be marrying all of him including his kids. His kids didn't choose to be from a broken home, did they? I understand that you might like to travel and have him to yourself on weekends but is that fair on his kids? Do they get a say in this? Have you thought about going with him to spend time with his kids? Have you give thought to some other plans that still gives him and his kids the time they deserve together? And what about when you have kids? Does that mean he can't see his other kids then? I would love to hear what you plan on doing.
Marrying someone is for life, but you are lucky to have 20 years with kids NEEDING you. I would suggest talking seriously with him before you get married.
Best wishes
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (24 August 2014):
 Do you have contact with the children, are you included for some of their activities and outings? To be honest from your question it seems that you don't see him when he has the children, and, if you and he are planning to get married, it really matters if you don't see them or interact with them, if that is by your choice, or his.
If you are going to marry this man, that means you will become part of these children's family .... AND, if you and he have a child, that child already has two siblings, who your child will need to interact with on a regular basis.
At four and six these children are old enough for sleep overs at Grandma's house, and at Dad's.
If the reason you are not interacting with the kids is your choice, then don't marry the man, not unless you are prepared to get stuck in and change the situation.
If the reason you are not interacting with them is your potential husband's choice, then you need to be asking him some serious questions about what role you will be expected to play to these children after marriage, if he sees himself being a Monday to Friday husband to you because the weekends are sacrosanct, and if he envisages that set up changing when you have your own child.
Personally, I don't see that as working at all.
If the reason you don't interact with his children at all is down to their mother, well, he needs to grow some and tell her that he is planning marriage and the current set up is no longer viable. If he wont, then I don't see that working for you either.
I hope you can work it out, I would not accept the current situation, if he cant see that marriage to you will require changes then walk away .... I cant see it working out.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2014): Ok - I'm going to be blunt. You are young enough to find someone who does not already have children and then have your own together - build a life that is free of this kind of complexity. You obviously respect him and his time with his children which is great and he is obviously a caring father - which is a nice quality and you'd be worried if he didn't. However, this 'situation' is not going to go away - if anything there will be much more challenging times ahead. I think sometimes we have to accept we want a different life and that someone cannot offer us it. I am sure there will be people that say "you can't help who you fall in love with" but if I was at your stage / age in life I would not want to be robbed of all the fun and happy things I could do each weekend - with someone who was free to be doing it. Obviously you knew his situation but you cannot tell your feelings until you are in the thick of it - living it and able to see how he responds to your needs. There is of course the potential for him to 'compromise' and take a more balanced approach to his life with you and the children, and try and mesh the two. Many people successfully do this of course but he sounds very determined to be a Dad way ahead of being a partner. You are in danger of sacrificing your life and dreams for his practical and emotional needs. Think carefully as you personally really do have choices.
...............................
A
female
reader, Behavioural Analysis +, writes (24 August 2014):
 Could YOU not go out with him and his kids on weekends (and take your child too in the future)? I mean, if he's that serious about you, surely you'd like to spend time with your potential future stepchildren? If you had a baby, his kids would probably have to come to you instead of them going out every weekend. There shouldn't need to be a major change if he's a proactive dad during the week to your potential future child....
...............................
|
