A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfirend of three years has asked for some time. We are supposed to move in together this December and i am starting school by his house this summer. He said that he loves me but just wnats to be sure that this is it. We still talk a little on the phone and text here an there. I am so confused!!! We decided that we would not see each other for a month and at the end of the month we are going to meet and talk and see where he stands. I love him so much and knows he loves me too but, if he is not ready to move on to the next step, i think that i need to end it. We live an hour away from each other and used to spend the weekends together. I do not know what to do.. I have known him for 9 years and know that he does not rush into things.. but aaaaah and suggestions or thought???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2007): Hey,
I know what you are going through - been going through it myself! The bottom line is this, there are no guarentees in life, even when you are engaged, married, etc. Things happen, put on the news and look at babies that die, husbands that die, etc.
Spiritually focus on yourself. Try to get comfortable with the "unknown". Stay true to yourself and read The Secret and Why Men Marry Bitches. They are inspiring and helpful.
Be happy - there are people who are married and are not, and such a high divorce rate that remember if someone is rejecting you, you will feel worse focusing on that person.
Try to let it go.
Harsh but true, if a man loves a woman he will miss her in her absence and will come back if he loves you. But do not be a doormat, b/c he will take his sweet time and think he does not have to worry about time, b/c you will be there.
Wrong - and if he does not come around, then it would have ended in a divorce or unhappy marriage anyway.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2007): my boyfriend of 5 1/2 years recently said he wasn't happy, broke up with me, is now having doubts about breaking up, and needs some space to think things over. (we've lived together for 5 yrs, so 'space' is more mental than actual). trust me when i say i can understand the chaos and distractedness you are going through. minute-to-minute i want to know what he's thinking, how he's feeling, etc. but the truth is, happiness is up to each individual. your boyfriend does have strong feelings for you (and clearly you do for him) but there is so much else that goes into one finding individual happiness. i would follow the advice of these other responses and keep moving forward with your own life and pursuing things that make you happy - what he ultimately decides is out of your hands and either way you will be ok.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2007): thaks for the advise but i am still confused. We have been talking on the phone and having great conversations i am so in love with him and this is showing me how much i love him and he admitted the same thing too. We are going to meet this weekend and talk and see where we are at... the orignal plan was to take 3 months off but he compromised with me and agreed that we would do it on a month to month basis... So i am really exicted and nervouse for this weekend, but scared that he is going to say he needs for time. I cannot spend another two months wonderin what he is going to do.... i do not want to lose him but i do not wnat to drive myself and friends insane.. This is all that i think about and am having the hardest time trying to concentrate on my school work and even at work.. I am working out like a crazy person, helps to not think about it.. what do you guys suggest?? has anyone been in this position before? I am ready to get our life started and he is still a little shy. If he ask for more time I do not think i can give it to him.. I can feel that he should already know if he wants to be with me. Yeah this is a big step, but i believe we are ready. He has always said that he is with me cause he loves me and love is not the issue and that we are to old to be wasting our time.. I am scared that he will not be able to comitt..... I want him to want to comitt, and i think he does but he is scared shitless..... Please help.. thanks.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (14 June 2007):
 He may like to think things through, but he's had three years for that. He should be sure by now. Whatever it is he needs to think through, I don't think a month will be enough if three years have not. I believe this is a bad sign.
I've been there. My experience is this: Give the person all the time or space s/he wants. Pushing is a huge mistake. Now, think of yourself as well: don't let him think he can have you anytime. Go on with your life. Don't be the one to ask whether he has made up his mind after one month. Let him find you. If he won't call or show up, you won't need him to tell you what his decision is, will you? And, if he should come your way again, tell him that now YOU need to be sure that he is the man, as his insecurity is a red flag. Make sure he knows that he will have no second chance.
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A
male
reader, NuVu +, writes (14 June 2007):
To some degree he is just afraid of this next level of committment.
Currently, you live an hour away, soon you'll be going to school next to him, and then living together in just a few short months. I think he's feeling that things are going a little more quickly then he's ready for and he's equating living together with being married or getting married someday and he's just not ready to think on that level yet.
My guess is that he takes his relationship committments very seriously and doesn't want to feel pushed into or rush into anything. Perhaps he's a very rational person and it causes him to pause when he knows divorce rates are 50% or perhaps he's been effected by his own parents less than perfect marriage, i don't know.
I would suggest that you move to town or closer to town so that you live about 10-15 minutes away from school and him. I'd do this for a year, so that he can ease into the idea of having you around more often without equating it to a huge committment.
You can't push a person like this. If your the type of person that needs for things to happen in defined stages, he might not be the right person for you. However, if you think he's worth it, you might try to give him a little more time and space.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Beckto +, writes (14 June 2007):
 Hang in there. If he needs space, then you have no choice but to give it to him. There's not really anything you can do but give him what he wants. If you get pushy and start to crowd him, he may push you away harder. So, let him have what he wants, and keep yourself busy in the mean time. Don't sit at home mulling it over. Get out and keep yourself distracted. Do things to make you feel more attractive - work out, do yoga, go shopping, anything.
Needing space might mean that he wants to break up, but it might not. He may not know what he wants as well, so hang in there, and try not to read more into it than what is already there.
Good luck!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2007): girl, he is power tripping you! he asked for time off, and u r giving him the time off. any guy asking that isnt really sure then, drop it before u cant more confused and gets more complicating for u! if u allow this to drag on longer and longer, he'll learn to maniupulate around u. i read that you love him, but love doesnt leave u out in the cold just like that. focus on school, and not him. u dont need to deal with crap like that. be smarter and be happier than that...he doesnt sound like he knows a woman's worth!
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A
female
reader, rachal +, writes (14 June 2007):
 i think that you should give him time. he may not want to rush into things because your friendship w/ each other could be jeopardized. wouldn't you rather wait and have everything turn out good, instead of rushing and everything turning out horrible? jus give it some time...
maybe you could take the time and think things over also...
GOOD LUCK!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2007): hi love,
I just feel so much for you, its like ive said before this is getting to popular " I NEED SOME TIME" Well im going to tell you give it to him as much time as he wants you have been in a three year relationship if he is unsure now how will you ever feel comfortable to no when he is sure... if he loves you i dont understand how he can just go of and leave you in this state.
Give him his time and try as hard as you can to get on and have a life dont put your life on hold waiting if he knows you are waiting at the end of the phone for him whenever he wants to talk what has he got to think about he is certainly not worried about you as he knows you are heart broken and will just be waiting for him to make his mind up.
I really want to give you a big hug then take you out for a gin n tonic and a good dance, grab the phone and ring a mate and go out and let your hair down, Believe me when i say if you do give him the space he so desires he will no longer want it, I just couldnt leave my man all worried as im sure you couldnt...Sweatheart im thinking bout you and im hear anytime you want to chat you take care lots and lots of love and luck to you xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, Jualsy  +, writes (14 June 2007):
 Be good to yourself. Value yourself enough to know that you need someone in your life who will appreciate all that you are and not need "TIME".
It is an easy way out. Women say it, and now men are saying it.
If you want something badly, you don't need TIME. You ant it NOW or even YESTERDAY!!!
Why don't you see that, and move on. You deserve better....we all do!!
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