A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:What can i do? Im stuck, hopeless, and really on the verge on loosing it. I have a friend who i thought i was good friends with, well i want to be and hes said many times he does too. The thing is when i speak to him i get no effort back, im trying to improve our friendship because he moans that i dont talk to him, not to me but hes said it to other people. he wishes i;d talk more. But then when i try he just doesnt seem bothered or answers and then goes back to talking to whoever else may be there. Ive also just tried to have a joke with him on several occasions and he moans about that to. I tried to jokingly wind him up like anyone would about a girl he was going to see saying is thaty your secret lover and he went and moaned to someone that i was getting at him. I said it in a joking way so i know it was nothing i did. Things seem rather strange and everyones told me not to just give up. he wont tell me if i ask him i just dont know why this happens.What can i do? either way im in the wrong Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (4 September 2010):
Hi there. You call him a friend, so I'm guessing it's just friends and not a boyfriend/girlfriend type situation at the moment.
It also depends on how you talk to him. Do you nag or criticise him? Or, are you kind, considerate, thoughtful and respectful? Perhaps you are pushing him into being your boyfriend instead of just a friend and he might not be ready to take that step.
He might even feel a bit crowded by you. People all need their own space and not be together at every waking moment.
Maybe you should take a step back from it all and start to make a more interesting life for yourself with some new hobbies and interests and seeing your own friends (not mutual friends of his and yours), or see these friends and NOT be with him when you do. You are then giving yourself space as well as giving him some space.
Perhaps the problem is that you do spend too much time together. If this is the case, it can become very stifling. It does seem like he is feeling that way. By often being agitated and a bit moody that would certainly suggest this is the case.
Even friendships need to have boundaries. If you set up some boundaries by having some interests of your own and some time by yourself (not with him), you will feel a lot better for it - and so will he, I am sure.
Also in giving him some space, don't go texting or calling him either, as this is still crowding someone's personal space. Space does mean space and no contact by you to him of any sort.
If you are spending a lot of time together, even when others are present, it's quite likely that it's too much time. Let him have some time with the boys (without your being there).
If you take a step back now rather than later, you will find that things run a lot more smoothly for you both. And when you do see each other again, it will be a whole different ball game.
But whatever you do, let him be the first one to make contact. Even if it's a week or two. Don't get anxious and call him first. Let it be up to him. If you do try to jump in first, it will make you appear emotionally dependent and needy. That's not an attractive trait for a woman to have. Self-confidence and independence are very attractive qualities for any woman to have, but it must be genuine - don't pretend.
Also when not being in contact with him, DON'T just turn up to where you all usually hang out either. Because that's going back to crowding him again. You know the consequences of that.
So from now on, just stay calm, don't fret or worry - just relax and enjoy your life and keep yourself busy, doing all the things you enjoy. Then you won't be moping about why he acts the way he does. Everything will fall into place the way it's meant to in time. It can't be rushed or forced.
So stay happy and enjoy life and RELAX !!
Hope this helps you. Take care and best wishes.
A
female
reader, DearMe +, writes (4 September 2010):
Stop making all the effort... wait till he can be botherd with you. You dont have to keep running after him, thats probably what he wants. Give him space and when he realises that he hasnt got you running after him anymore, he might make more effort for you. Because he hasnt got you all the time, so he cant mess you around, So basically he will notice what is missing. Nothing can work when only one is putting in the effort. I know you probably just want to try your best to make him happy, but you cant put the effort in for both of you. Give him space to notice what is missing. Good luck xx
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