A
female
age
30-35,
*ess0628
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for about 2 1/2 years now. Ever since we became sexually active (3 months in), he has not been able to have an orgasm during intercourse, only during oral. And it's only during oral that he seems to really enjoy himself. We recently moved in together last February, and since then the amount of sex we have has gone down alot. 2 times a month at most. He has not come on to me in over a year, I'm always the one who has to make that first move, and sometimes I'm rejected. Im 21 and he's 27. I've gained some weight since we've started dating but so has he, but I'm still as attracted to him as I ever was. Bottom line is, the sex is terrible. He makes it seem like a chore, does nothing to help stimulate me, and it's really starting to cause me to question our whole relationship. Every other aspect of our relationship is fine, except the physical part. I don't know what to do, please help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): I get the sense this guy lacks confidence, a lot. Is he insecure about something? There is clearly an imbalance in this relationship between giving and taking sexually. I get the feeling he isnt def not communicating something that is on his mind. Have you two tried counseling? :)
A
female
reader, Jess0628 +, writes (4 January 2011):
Jess0628 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Yes he does know how I feel, I've tried to talk to him about it numerous times, and he makes it seem like there's no problem. I'll tell him that I'm not happy with our sex life and he'll blow up and say "I'm sorry I can't please you" It's to the point that when I can get him in the mood, all I do is think and it ruins it for me. All that goes through my head is "he doesn't like this, this doesn't feel good for him, I don't look sexy enough, he doesn't want this" It's driving me crazy, and he doesn't want to talk about it.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (22 December 2010):
 Physical compatability is very important to a relationship. Some people seem to think it shouldn't matter, but when one partner always initiates, it leaves that person feeling unwanted and unloved. "Why am I not good enough for you to desire anymore?" This can be a major wedge in the relationship.
Communication about the problem is the only way a problem can be solved. Tell him how it makes you feel. Ask if there is anything you could try to help him enjoy sex more (aside from oral).
I feel your pain. My last GF never initiated sex, and it was a struggle to get her in the mood even once a month. After a while I just gave up. It was a combination of that and her unwillingness to discuss it that made me realize she wasn't the right girl for me. We were together for 3 years.
Give him a chance, but he has to want to change in order for any change to occur. I doubt he'll want to make that effort, he sounds too lazy to me.
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male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (22 December 2010):
You didn't mention the most important aspect in all of this. Does he know how you feel and how has he responded? I'm sure if he wants to be in this relationship he will want to improve his skills and also come to a compromise about how to meet your needs. Investigate further why he no longer comes on to you. If I no longer came on to my gf then it would be because I know longer find her attractive. Like you and your story, I'm sure he has his own of why he is unhappy too. I bet there are plenty of things you can both do to improve your relationship. You need to both communicate better to get past this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): I would for sure talk to him outside the bedroom and see what is going on. Im glad to hear that you think everything else is fine. Perhaps he thinks contrary and has some issues he needs to get out. Itd be great of you to take initiative here and sit him down and ask him whats on his mind about your sex life. Communicate to him that you want him to stimulate you as he should. I doubt this is an issue but Ive heard stories about sex happening too soon into the relationship and so it can lose its spark quick and defining too soon is very vague so who knows. Hope things go well here.
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male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (22 December 2010):
Well, to put it simply, he's lazy. Oral means absolutely no work on his end. Plus, women take a good long while to get "revved up" and I'm sure its just more effort than he wants to put in to get his "satisfaction." He finds more utility out of getting oral because he can get off without going through the romantic motions that are required for intercourse.Solution? Talk to him about it. Tell him you don't feel your love life has been up to par lately. Express that he isn't being fair in always receiving. However, be kind during this. If there is one thing that gets men absolutely moody and insecure its somebody questioning their sexual prowess. If you use this talk as a means to insult his performance, I guarantee he'll be upset, which will lead to even less sex.Talk to him about setting a new "mood" for your personal time together. One thing; stop giving out oral to him like free candy. Make him work at getting what he wants and try to get him to appreciate the sensuality and bonding that comes with intercourse. Sex is supposed to be about beauty, and when it becomes just "two people trying to scratch each others itches" it defaces the whole act. Make it more special and try and get him to care about it!Best of luck :)
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