A
female
age
36-40,
*agrimasAmargas
writes:Hello. I'm at my wits end. I'm hopelessly in love with my boyfriend. The problem is he is obsessed with my past. I have been completely faithful to him. In the beginning of the relationship he said he didn't want to know anything about my past, he was a jealous guy, he preferred not to know. For six months everything went well, until one day he asked me. He knew I hadn't had any boyfriends before. So I told him about the guys I'd kissed. I was a virgin when we started dating anyway. But he had a problem with it. I kissed these guys, some were older, and none of them were even friends of mine, just casual hook ups that I'd met at parties. I wasn't sure about telling him all the truth, so I ommitted some details, which I later revealed, and that made him lose his trust in me.It's been 3 years since then. I've been nothing but faithful, trustworthy, etc. I may have a nasty past in his eyes, but I've changed and have made better choices, etc. I mean, my past happened when I was a teenager, so of course it was different. I'm 21 now, I've changed. But he doesn't think so. He thinks I'm still a slut. I tell him that treating me like this, like I was a criminal, asking question after question demanding I answer does nothing to solve the problem. He can't handle the truth. Yet he asks and demands to know. I tell him it's unfair, that I've been faithful and generally a good girlfriend, that yes, I've made mistakes but that doesn't mean he should demand I disclose everything, etc. When I have questions for him, he never answers, and I point out his hypocrisy. He just tells me "You reap what you sow... you should've thought better before jumping in and making out with whatever guy crossed your path".He then complains that I'm not too affectionate, that I always end up crying like a baby, that I don't trust him back, etc. Well, I tell him "You reap what you sow too. If you treat me like crap about my past, if you're judgemental, obsessive, jealous and cruel, don't expect me to be a perfect girlfriend". I just don't know what to do to make him understand how his constant questioning makes me feel. I've tried explaining calmly, I've tried freaking out and crying and yelling, I've tried turning the tables. But nothing works. He says his past is different. He had meaningless hook ups. But not with random girls he'd just met. He says our pasts are not balanced, he says sometimes he wants to go out and start making out with girls just to even the score. For the record, I've probably kissed 5 other guys, total, whereas he's kissed at least 9. He just says the circumstances of what I did were worse and that needs to be evened out.How can I make him understand that his constant pushing is making me resentful, and that I feel more like a criminal than a girlfriend? How can I make him see he's being unfair? I've tried explaining him so many times, but it just doesn't work. I love this guy so much, you wouldn't believe it. He's a great guy otherwise, but this obsession he has with my past is destroying us. I'm lost, I need help, because it seems there's no solution other than walking away. But I want him!
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (16 February 2010):
 That is precisely what you have to do ,to walk away from him and leave him alone to ponder on his treatment of you .
This is the only way to make him realize his actions.He is like a spoilt and immature child and you need to remove the toy from him.
Guys like him do not listen to reasons. You need to show actions and not words.
When you are there , you cannot be appreciated and when you are gone from his life, he will realize that he needs you more than you need him.
Be brave and be patient and he will come around when he is without you.
A
female
reader, Beccccccy  +, writes (16 February 2010):
 Sorry Honey ..after reading all that , Its simply not you who has the problem . When I started reading I thought you going to say you had committed some criminal act! I know you say you love him ..But my advice is to get of him , hes an idiot . Wish you well ..and Im really sorry about what I have had to say above .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): Dump him and let him sweat for a while. Then think about giving him a chance to change. I know it seems like he won't stop after three years, but if he seriously wants to hold on to what you otherwise have, he'll never judge you again if he believes you have the ability in yourself to leave him for good. Make him come crawling and pleading before you take him back. If he gives up before you finally agree to take him back under those final conditions, then he doesn't deserve to be with you. Even if you love everything else about him, he'll never let you stay happy for too long if you let him continue without dumping him and then clearly setting your conditions for your own future. The only way you'll respect yourself is if the person you're with respects you unconditionally. Give him that one chance after dumping him if he begs to take him back, but if he ever calls you down for your past, again, dump him for good. Happy Valentine's!
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A
female
reader, Ria1  +, writes (15 February 2010):
My best mate was in exactly same situation as this, and she let it go on for another year, it wasn't healthy for her at all and she lost who she was, and its not going to be healthy for you either so tell him what's for and get out of there, I know you love him lots but, you will Be so much better off in the long run! He's one of those people I have no respect for, and he sounds so insecure! Seriously get rid of him!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): A stubborn refusal to accept his own hypocrisy and his outrageous double standards are bad enough, but to apply them to stuff that happened before he even met you? Thats just craziness. If you cant give your partner a clean slate and get over their past when you start dating, then how are things going to be forgiven and gotten over when you run into a problem while you're dating?? (and it will happen).
I was in a relationship like this for 2 years with a girl who would scream the house down for the tiniest thing I may have done/not done, whilst when she did much worse offences of a similar nature, getting her to see her own hypocrisy was like trying to nail mud to the wall. Downright impossible. There would always be an excuse for why her behaviour was so different from mine, when to any normal person the double standard was incredibly obvious.
Please dont make this drag on for more years, give him an ultimatum that he either get over your past and not bring it up again or you walk. He doesnt respect you at the moment as much as you may fool yourself into believing he does, and its getting worse day by day. The more he gets away with irrational behaviour, the less he'll respect you and the more frequently he'll act up.
I know you love him and its really, really, really hard, but you need to put your foot down right now, he either gets over it- IMMEDIATELY, or its over. He's made his irrational point that he doesnt like your past, he's chucked his tantrums and flailed his arms around like a child, but now its time for him to grow up and be an adult... or find himself a babysitter/looney bin.
Don't be a doormat to his insecurity problem. I hope your partner can change, I really do... because if he doesnt, (and I know from first hand experience)- to quote CaringGuy, "You'll just end up destroyed".
Best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): He has nothing to complain about. We are just talking kissing here and he has kissed twice as many women as you have men. It's not like you were having sex with anybody. If he hasn't gotten over his feelings to the extent that you describe in 3 years then he is never going to get over it. If he is still probing you for answers after 3 years then he is never going to stop asking you questions.
If he can't get over this then he should just break up with you. If he doesn't then it is time to tell him to get lost. You don't deserve this treatment.
I would never even think about how many guys my wife or any past girlfriend had kissed. That means nothing to me. It is just kissing. If you had jumped into bed with guys who you had just met then he could have something to be concerned about, but even then he should be able to either get over it or give up on the relationship in 3 years.
In short, dump him before you start to believe that you are some slut, which you are not. Dump him before you lose respect for yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): you KISSED FIVE men? OMG that's OUTRAGEOUS. seriously? he wouldn't even have a right to treat you like this if you'd slept with 100 men before him. what's in the past shouldn't have anything to do with your current relationship if he cares about you and come on, a few kisses? surely you can see how ridiculous his behaviour is. if you ask me he's just looking for an excuse to cheat and get away with it, or at least buy some leeway so he can behave badly and then turn it around on you and say you deserve it. of course you don't. this guy sounds like bad news. he will only continue to use your supposed 'wrongdoings' against you so that he can act like an a**hole. please stay well clear before he has a chance to really hurt you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): I am usually sympathetic to people dealing with retroactive jealousy problems. But complaining about a virgin GF having kissed other people? That's way too far into stupid territory.
This guy needs to learn to cope with reality. Don't blame him for having his feelings, I'm sure he is not enjoying them either. But he deserves blame for how he is dealing with them.
I will recommend one thing to you. Saying you didn't care about the other guys you kissed is probably not helping. Your BF probably feels more frustrated by the fact that you DIDN'T care who you did these intimate things with, than if you did. For most men, a woman's faithfulness seems more threatened when she will do things with people she was not very attached to. This may not make sense to you but it is just a gender difference. For most men the idea of any physical infidelity is more threatening than the idea that you had feelings for any of these guys.
But you still werent being "unfaithful" in the first place. I am trying to tell you how to smooth this over but it is probably useless if he can't cope well enough accept some kissing.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 February 2010):
Please dump this guy. Please!!! You can't make him understand, you can't make him change, you can't make him become trustworthy. You can't do anything. This is a man who thinks you're a slut because you've kissed other guys, and sits there asking about your past telling you that you shouldn't have done what you did, while talking a load of crap about how his hook ups were meaningless. Your circumstances aren't worse at all. His are. His were meaningless, and that means he just used those women. At least you didn't use those guys. This guy is a little piece of waste, and you are ruining your life by being with him. 3 years and he hasn't changed. Get rid of him. He's an ass. There are far better guys. If you don't, in another ten years you won't even know who you are. Tell him he is a pathetic jealous little hypocrite and that you are off to find a real man. Don't waste your time, you'll just end up destroyed.
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A
female
reader, supermum +, writes (15 February 2010):
 OMG he sounds like a jerk! You need to speak to him bluntly and say you will not tolerate this disrespect. He is treating you like a piece of dirt because you kissed a few guys? You need to give him an ultimatum to make him see sense....either he drops your past, or you drop him. And mean it. I know and understand that you are in love with the guy, but you cant be happy with this hanging over your head. He needs to be able to understand how much he is hurting you, and if he makes you cry, and then calls you a baby for it, thats not cool.
Even show him this page, he might get a better understanding of how you feel and what you are going through, and also how riduculous his actions seem to us, people who are not involved. I would seriously consider it anyway.
PS What does he mean when he says the 'circumstances need to be evened out'? I would hope that does not mean he is cheating on you????
I really feel for you hunny, all the best. xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): You've not had a nasty past at all. He's just one of those men that Ive come to loose all respect for. There's nothing you can do and he probably will never change. It sucks I know, but you must either deal with him judging you and treating you as if you were a whore in the past, or find a man who respects you for who you are.
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