A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with this guy for a year and two month. I am completely in love with him. We have had a great relationship from the beginning and there have been no problems. We are open, communicative and the relationship itself is really healthy. He just revealed to me that although he loves me, he does not feel that passionate crazy for you feeling. He has had this feeling once before with his first serious relationship and he says he was crazy about this girl the whole three years they were together. But he does not have this feeling with me. He says that on paper, I am everything he would ever want in a person. And he is everything I would ever want in a man. He says that he is unsure he will ever find someone that fulfills what he wants as much as I do. He says I'm his best friend and that he loves the time we spend together...but even with all these wonderful things we do and share, he is lacking a passion for me. We talked about the possibility of breaking up. I love this man enough to want to marry him. What should I do. Break up? Try to stay with him and see if his passion for me comes back? Remember, there is nothing any of us are doing wrong, and aside from not having that giddy feeling about me, he loves every other aspect about me. But he says in order to stay together, he thinks he might need that giddy feeling. Is there anything I can say to him? Please help
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male
reader, Cowboy  +, writes (27 October 2008):
I'd caution against the attitude of 'youth = passion', the girlfriend that I was with before the one I just finished with did arouse this type of feeling in me. I know it's a cliche, but I really did feel like I was 16 again, even though I was 30.
Of course, it didn't work out, and I look at her now and wonder how I ever felt that way about her, so that type of passion doesn't necessarily increase the chances of the relationship surviving long term.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008): I have the complete opposite problem. I love the guy I'm with but am not in love with him. I also am lacking that spark I felt with my ex boyfriends. You two are still young, so it is possible that his past relationship was so passionate because they were young and it was just fun. Perhaps you two are at an age where it could be long term and it makes him nervous to give himself completely to you, especially if he has been hurt in the past. My advice would be to suggest an open relationship so both of you can keep spending time together, but also meet others in case it doesn't work out. With freedom to see what else is out there he may realize that you are the one he wants or that you are not. You will not waste your young years waiting for him to make up his mind, but you don't have to give him up completely.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008): Giddy feelings are nice, but sometimes you grow out of it; It's not always a prerequisite to FEEL giddy all the time. Feelings come and go, they're probably the most unreliable factors in any relationship, yet, they're also the most important for us. That's just me, your boyfriend likely thinks otherwise?
To be honest, at your age (assuming your boyfriend is of similar age), male passion is pretty simplistic, you just need to know how to push the right buttons ;) On the other hand, him not feeling passionate may have less to do with you than you think; some people just don't "fall" as hard after the first one (like you said, 3 years), but again, conventional wisdom is that you can love someone in many different ways, its a different kind of love in his second relationship.
My advice? It's not a problem unless he makes it out to be and, well, he's made it out to be a problem so that's exactly what it is. He said he "might" need that giddy feeling, so if he's brought it up then it seems to matter.
And lastly, you should be wary of taking advice from people on the internet :p Nobody knows what he's thinking. We don't know your boyfriend and moreover, if you're asking for advice I think you already know the answer. Best thing is not to worry about it. You're young. There's lot of people out there. Don't worry about the feelings, they're often deceiving. Just enjoy the time you have with someone, treat them as well as they deserve/as well as they treat you/as you want to be treated, and just about everything works out. More importantly, enjoy what you have, because this might be as much as you can get. Just saying ,don't worry about it. Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, Cowboy +, writes (27 October 2008):
I just got out of a relationship like this.
The girl I was with was pretty much perfect, but I too didn't have that 'spark' with her. I even used the the phrase that on paper she was everything I could want in a girl, just like your guy did.
I'm really at a loss to advise you on this, I felt so bad about my situation, because my ex girlfriend is a truly fantastic person.
I had to man up and finish it with her because it simply wasn't fair on her.
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A
male
reader, DreamMaster  +, writes (26 October 2008):
 Hiya,
Ok, this advice might not sound very positive – but I am just going to try to be realistic.
I don’t think this relationship is going to stay the course. It seems like it has moved into the friend zone… It is possible he still has feelings for this ex (who he was in a relationship with for nearly 3 times as long as with you). I would like to know why they broke up – I suspect she did it – and he never really got over it – and is still trying to get back what he had then.
The things you are saying about the relationship sound very much like he is now seeing you as a great friend he does not want to lose. I am afraid it does not matter that you love him so much – if he does not love you the same way in return.
The relationship is now into its second year – it sounds like it has reached its peak – and is probably on the way down. I imagine it is rare for this situation to suddenly pick up for some reason.
My recommendation is that you prepare yourself for a break up (whether or not you want it to happen) – but that you try to do it in such a way that you remain friends – because you clearly enjoy each others company.
Don’t despair – someone out there will fall madly in love with you – and it is worth waiting for – but I don’t suspect you are going to receive this type of love and affection from your current boyfriend…
(Sorry for the pessimism – that’s just the way I see it…)
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A
female
reader, goingnuts +, writes (26 October 2008):
 As long as he has feelings for you and loves you that's a good start. That's how my ex felt about me, so I know right where you are and how you feel. I used to feel really bad about the fact that I was more passionate about the relationship up until just recently. I realized that everyone loves a different way, and sometimes it takes a while for love to evolve. I wouldn't break up with him. If you guy really want to work it out you could try taking a little break? That way he could evaluate how he feels about you and if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. It could be that he felt very passionately about his ex and he is scared of going to that level with you. I don't know, I'm not sure how guys work really. But I know that when I have reached a certain level with someone I'm a little hesitant to go there again until I have really had a chance to think things through from all angles.
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