A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have just turned two years and I'm five months pregnant with a beautiful little girl. There is one problem though, he has a really bad temper. Sometimes he throws me around or slaps the back of my head hard and I atleast cry once a day. I know that he loves me though because when it is good between us it is great but when it is bad, its like the end of the world. What do I do? He hurts me so much but at the same time its so hard for me to leave him! Help me please!!! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, colts66 +, writes (18 March 2011):
if your boyfriend loves you so much, he shouldnt hit you.thats wrong and he knows that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): There is no excuse for you being hit pregnant or not. If he is hitting you know while you are pregnant what will he be like when the baby arrives? Leave him now there is nothing else to do you must think of yourself and in the long run your child or she too could end up being battered as she grows up.
You and your child are worth more and will find someone to love you again without the beating.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): I am living in a same type of life.I also love my husband a lot.When I was pregnant for the first child my daughter, he hit me. We fought deadly.He hurted me so much that the image keeps forever in my mind. I just hate him ever since.We have two kids now but he is still the same.He is abusing me till now.I feel as if iam screwed because I love my kids more than anything else in the world.If I were to live with my husband to make the kids happy then ofcoz I can sacrifice my life for them.He loves the kids. My mom says that no father would love the kids more than the own father.Everytime we have any fight, my daughter tells me to be positive to what her dad says to stop the fight.What I want to tell you is though I cudnt leave my husband becz I love him and I have 2 kids ,PLS LEAVE HIM.Because HE CANT CHANGE.ITS IMPOSSIBLE.OFcz he can reduce it if he tried but HE CANT STOP IT COMPLETELY.SO leave him so that u willbe happy afterwards. Best wishes.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): i know this situation, my husband acted me like your boyfriend. tell him you love him but you are living him now because you do not want to bring your baby up with his temper. if he promis to you abaut he will change, say him that you da not believe because that is his caharacter. tell him to you seious. after that if he realy loves you he tries to change and always act you very well, when he prove it you can make up .... be serious about split.. good luck
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2008): His temper is HIM too. It's not some separate thing that he "suffers from." There are a couple billion men on the earth that don't abuse their partners. And it's not because the other men just don't ever get angry enough to do it. They just exercise more self-control.
He might be a great guy in a lot of ways. But that's not enough if he will not or cannot stop being abusive. You need to leave him if this is the case whether you love him or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): i love my ex fiance more than anything else in the world. I left my boyfriend of 5 yrs for him and lost half my family in the process, but i didn't care. we were crazy about each other. He started to get a little possesive. but i loved it, i loved the way he exploded at the thought of anyone else coming near me, an i felt the same. he pushed me a couple of times and put his hands around my throat till i nearly passed out, but I just thought it was because he was crazy about me. I would wind him up, to see his reaction, I thought this was a way of seein he cared. an because he never actually punched me i didn't see it as "hitting" me. Last friday he crossed the line, he kicked me over and over, and punched me in the face. Only then did I realize that it was wrong. he had crossed the line, an sometimes thats what it takes, for them to punch you or beat you till you wish you were dead, please take my advice, leave him before he crosses that line, an as much as you love him an as much as you dont want to believe it, it will happen.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2008): Leave him now. Do you want this for your children? Even if you convince yourself he would never hurt them do you think they would not know their mother is being hit. Can you imagine the damage that would cause. Leave. Leave. If he does it while you are pregnant with his child you are screwed for as long as you stay. LEAVE.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008): Well, my mother had this same problem, except for she was married. At this point, she was pregnant with my brother.First off, this situation totally sucks and you'll be miserable either way, if you stay with him or if you don't.Here's the real question you have to ask yourself:Do you really want your kid getting hurt/being hurt by their father who is supposed to love him/her? This probably makes my mom's life suck even more, but she married another guy, had me and my sister. He abuses us too. It totally sucks to have to live through all of this.But really, you should leave this guy, if not for your own sake, for you're child's.
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female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (7 April 2008):
 To Poster and Danielle, why would anyone in their right mind stay with a man who physically and mentally humiliates them? I am even lost for word when you say that these SCUMBAGS hit you whilst you are pregnant, in my opinion for what it is worth they will probably lash out on the child if the poor mite cries for food,attention or dirty nappies etc. How can you be sure that they won't?
I would get these VICIOUS NASTY BULLIES arrested and put away for a long time, they have no God given right to raise their hands to the person they ALLEGEDLY LOVE. To the outsiders like myself and the aunts, this is abuse on you and the unborn child Period.
Love is something wonderful to be shared with your loved ones, whether they are your family,partner,friends or children. These guys do not have the brains or knowhow to sit and discuss with their loved ones what is on their minds, so they use physical force to get across in a negative and TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE WAY. Come on you guys do yourself and your unborn child JUSTICE and get away from these men. If either of you would like to drop me a line then feel free. I can only hope and pray that you will see sense and know this is all wrong. Dusky xxx.
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female
reader, daniellexxxx +, writes (6 April 2008):
 i'am in the same situation aas you i am pregnant and my boy friend hits me and gets mad for no reason. It hurts and i no how you feel it's easy for people to say walk away but have they ever being there them selfs. I have being trying to pluck up the courage to leave as it isnt good for the baby but it's hard. Wilpower i dont think my man can ever change do you think your man can.
good luck xxx
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male
reader, Smiffy  +, writes (6 April 2008):
 Sorry no other advice other than LEAVE HIM....it is not correct that you go through what you have described....difficult choice to make but for you...your little girl and your unborn child LEAVE HIM...
I see many people in your situation during my work..(Firefighter / Paramedic)....dont make excuses for him...its a shame that you picked one of lifes "rotten apples" to be with...sorry...good luck..
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female
reader, lotsofgiggles123 +, writes (6 April 2008):
 if you want your baby to be healthy and awesome you should leave.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): I am much older than you are my dear and I completely understand where you are coming from. I am in an abusive relationship as well. It is true... the abuse only gets worse. I am a beautiful, well educated woman and I don't know how I allowed myself to fall in love with a man who emotionally torments me and occassionaly physically abuses me. I keep telling myself I can "fix" things, I can be the woman he wants me to be, that I can love enough for both of us. The truth of the matter is... I can't fix him and I don't want to be the kind of woman he wants (a doormat). I love him and I know he loves me, but sometimes love just isn't enough to keep two people together.
I was pregnant with his child this past winter. I secretly had an abortion and passed it off as a miscarriage. I could not bear to raise a child in an abusive household. How is that for control? Pretty sick isn't it?
I tell myself everyday that I need to leave and never return. Somedays I think he will probably kill me before he lets me go.
Take yourself and your unborn child out of that situation. Live for your baby, not for a man. I ask God's forgiveness very often for the decision I made. If I left him, I would have my baby, my life, and my happiness. You have a chance to save two lives... yours and your baby's. God bless you
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female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (6 April 2008):
 Leave him, immediately. Do whatever you can to get out of this relationship. Aside from being an extremely unhealthy relationship, there is no love involved. Maybe on your part. If nothing else, think of your daughter. Having I myself grown up with an abusive father, it has an effect on everyone I talk to. Having to see my mom beaten up on a daily basis has changed my outlook on all men and scares me to death to have a serious relationship. Its definitely hard to leave but you have to love yourself enough to realize you can do better. No one deserves to be treated as he treats you, no one. And blaming it on the temper is just the easy way out. You need to get out before it gets more serious, and before he takes it out on your daughter as well. Your life could very well be threatened at some point. And put yourself in that situation, would you ever hit someone you love?? or put them in a situation where they cry every single day?? it isnt love, and it is no way to live. Leave him. You and your daughter will be eternally grateful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): Agreed with Baby Duck, completely. This man has lost control and is hurting you..he'a abusing you-he's lashing out at you. This is not love. We don't cause physical harm and hurt on the ones we love, dear..plain and simple. This is an issue over power and control. He has an anger management problem and he simply can't be using you as a punching bag whenever he can't get his temper under control.
His actions should frighten you tremendously and you should be protecting this unborn child. His behavior will not stop..this will go and on. The child is in danger...not to mention you. Please, please heed these words. "Abusive relationships are very damaging to children, even if they're just witnesses. But for women in an abusive relationship, chances are much higher that their children also will be direct victims of abuse. Over half of men who abuse their female partners also abuse their children. You may worry that seeking help may further endanger you or your baby or that it may break up your relationship and family. But in the long run, seeking help when you safely can is the best way to protect your children and yourself."
If you can't leave because you have this belief he loves you, you might want to get counseling to find out why your feel this way about yourself. and why you feel so drawn tho this violent man. And you want to learn how to recognize abusive behaviors and how not to tolerate such cruel behavior.
Reach out for help from others and seek advisement from a counselor at a domestic violence shelter if you find it difficult to leave him. Check your local phonebook for a number anc call them today.. They will help you and support you. They will also give you some perspective into what can happen to you and this child, and any future family you may have with this man. I for one, hope you have the courage and strength for that beautiful baby of yours, to do so, and I sincerely hope you heed this warning. Keep us posted and I sincerely wish you and your baby the best of luck. Be strong...
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (6 April 2008):
 Please, Please LEAVE THIS MAN. Listen to all of the people that have written. This will only get worse, and keeping yourself and your baby should be your main concern. There are shelters for battered women if you can't go back to your parents house.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): He hit you so why are you still there? You need to look after yourself and your child. Please listen to me - HE WILL NOT CHANGE. The hitting will get worse and you dont deserve to live like this. No one has the right to lay a finger on another person, so dont put up with it anymore, he will never change, so dont stick around thinking that he will. please get out now while you are still intact and your baby is still ok. BELIEVE ME I AM TALKING FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE.and life is too short.
take care
x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): I agree, this isn't exactly going to stop when the baby's born is it?! When I was younger one of my earliest memories was my dad throwing my mum out and her in tears. Yes he wasn't exactly the nicest to me either. Yes it's domestic abuse and still my mum isn't exactly the happiest.
My dad isn't that bad really. But do you want your child going through what you are now? It's got to end one day, my mum only stayed with him because he had a good job and could look after me and my sister. You have lots of other support my mum just didn't have - get out of there as soon as you can...it's going to be hard, but every pain you get the better you feel at the end.
And there is going to be an end. But do you want it to be a happy one, or a sad one?! Your choice.
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A
female
reader, girlnextdoor19592003 +, writes (5 April 2008):
 Oh Honey....please listen to what people are telling you. As you take on the added pressure of having a baby and the baby cries (which they all do) what will he do then. I was beaten as a child and watched the same thing happen to my Mom. It effects you for the rest of your left and now a babies life too. Please go to talk to someone local, a church or a call in center where you can remain anomoymous, but please before the baby is born talk to someone. I do wish you best of luck
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (5 April 2008):
 Domestic abuse, just what kind of advice can you give anyway?
I have no doubts that after he throws you around he apologizes and for a while everything seems perfect, it is a classic part of how abuse works.
You know he loves you, despite the fact that he physically abuses you and your unborn child. Yet you are starting to question this by posting on this forum.
Help you? With what? There is precious little I can advice you expect to get out of there. No, you can't 'cure' him and no you can't adjust your behaviour to stop him loosing his "temper". Even if you could, how are you going to stop your baby from crying allnight? Will he take out his temper on her as well, or just on you?
This guy is bad for you, bad for anyone and the first thing you got to do now is keep yourselve safe. Get out of there, call family, the police ANYONE but get out. I know it is hard to leave a person you love but even if you are willing to endure this, your baby needs a better future this.
It ain't right to hit someone or make them cry, no not even if things are bad at work or the meal is burned or whatever else he uses as an excuse to vent his frustrations on you.
I hope that you can start to see that this situation can only change by you leaving him. Maybe there is a small change he can fix himself, but he can only do that on his own. Take care of yourselve and your baby first. She can't defend herself or roll with the punches or stop crying when her daddy has a bad temper. She needs you to protect her and that can only be done by leaving, no matter how hard it is.
If you got no family to turn too, seek out shelters for victims of domestic abuse. Your doctor or the police can provide help with what is available locally.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): My dad grew up with a stepfather that had a terrible temper, and my dad saw his stepfather lose it on his mother. I don't know the full details of the physical abuse - it wasn't like the stuff you see on the news, but there was hitting involved. His stepfather loved his mom, and she never could leave him until my dad was in college and found out his stepfather had hurt his sister. My 20 yr old dad beat up his stepfather and threw him out of the house.
My father loves my mother with all his heart- she is the light of his life. And I have never in my life doubted that my father loves me more than life itself.
But I can tell you that my father has never been normal, having grown up in that house, and it has always been hard. A generation later, I feel cheated. My father never laid a hand on my mother, and he never once struck me in anger, but he had a terrible temper when I was young - an inevitable effect of growing up where he did.
I find it hard to love my grandmother. I look at her and think, she should have been less selfish. I feel guilty for judging her, never having been in her position, but I think of my future children, and I know, I will never let them grow up in a house filled with anger. It is too damaging. I ended a wonderful relationship several years ago with the man who I thought was the love of my life because I realized (as a result of his own childhood experience with abuse), he was too emotionally volatile for me to consider having children with him.
I can only imagine the prospect of voluntarily becoming a single mother, particularly because I do not doubt for one second that your boyfriend loves you very deeply and is, at heart, a good man. Unfortunately ... tragically ... that doesn't change things.
My mother worked her entire life to counteract the negative influences of my father's bad temper, and as hard as she tried, she could never entirely succeed. In my own adult life, I've found it hard to gauge appropriately what a good relationship should look like. I have struggled to find a healthy attitude towards men and to develop confidence in my own self worth. All of this from a house in which no one ever hit - it was a bad temper that was always, ultimately, contained, albeit noisily.
I fear for your future child. Not just that the added stress of a child may cause your husband to lose it and hurt your child (an outcome to horrible to imagine). Even if your husband doesn't hit your kid (although he has shown himself capable of hitting you), I worry how your child's emotional development will be affected by a father who yells - who doesn't know how to contain his temper. In this regard, I speak from first-hand experience. My father is my father, and I bear him no bad feelings, but I've often wished my mother had been strong enough to make different choices. She did what she thought was best for us, and I will be forever grateful for her love and devotion, but I see girlfriends who grew up as "daddy's girls," and I feel saddened that I never got to have that experience.
Please move in with your parents or a trusted aunt and uncle. You need help from someone who's had a child before, and you need time to clear your head and do what is best for this life you are about to bring into the world. It may not be easy - it will require sacrifice - but the unselfishness will be good training for being a mother.
I don't know whether your boyfriend is willing to do what it takes to work through his issues, but that is something you must raise with him. In the meantime, and until you are absolutely certain that he has experienced real emotional growth, you must separate. If you can't do it for yourself, please - do it for your child. It may be hard to grow up without a father figure, but every child should have the opportunity to grow up without anger.
Please write often. I will look for your posts.
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female
reader, ladywolve +, writes (5 April 2008):
 Whoa!What are you saying?Do you realize that the child you
are carrying is relying on you! That child can't rely on
her father. She only has you. Get to a shelter now. If
you can't do this for you, do it for your child. She deserves better, and if necessary give her up for adoption.
Then when the both of you get settled, hopefully dad will
get anger management couseling. Maybe after awhile you both
can attend. First thing, get the child taken care of. NOW!
Good Luck and Many Blessings.
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female
reader, MissKin +, writes (5 April 2008):
 Okay so you love each other but leave him.
Leave him.
leave him.
Not forever. But make him see what he's doing to you.
Make him go and see anger management counsellors.
Don't stick around if he's hitting you. but if he really is willing to change then let him know you'll be there with him if he gets help.
But leave him until he's better. for your sake and your babys sake. Your emotional state is just as important to the babies health as is your physical state. In this situation both are at stake.
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