A
female
age
36-40,
*eksy86
writes:I am currently with my bf of 6 months, we're living together already and although 6 months may not seem that long, it's like we've known each other for years. He was my first everything really and have given up allot to be with him properly. I am a fairly mistrustful person because of the way I was brought up, so if there are any discrepancies between what I am being told and what I'm finding out for myself I am constantly questioning everything they tell me. I found some porn sites that my bf denies visiting, I found the highlighted link from the search engine he found the sites from. All the other selected links on the search engine page were erased from the history. I am the kind of person that was always picked on because I was never on of the pretty ones and to find that my bf is more than likely lying about something so small makes me feel even uglier. I have had strong feelings of suicide in the past because of how i look and what people have done because of how I look. I don't know if I can cope with these feelings every time he's going to look at porn. Am I overly sensitive? Does this mean he'd like to be or sleep with the women he masturbates over? and Why should I not be enough for him?
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male
reader, previasc96  +, writes (22 April 2008):
My girlfriend discoverd i look at porn. I had to give it up, because she feels like it's as good as cheating on her with another woman. I promised i would stop, but it was hard cuz ieve been looking at porn and masturbating since my early teens. Some girls could careless, but my girl has insecurities about how she looks. She caught me again and now there is mistrust. I can do it... i can get rid of the porn, and i will this time. Porn is something that is very addictive to men. It's just fantasy, it doesn't mean we love you less are are attracted to you less.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): I am going through the same thing and I've been with my bf for 10yrs. He has also had a instant messenger affair about 8 mos. ago. I am not as pretty as i used to be, but he says he loves me and my full figured body. Maybe they are just embarrassed, just as we would be if we knew someone was watching us have sex. I am working hard at believing my guy as should you. I hope it all workd out for the both of us.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (20 March 2008):
 You're right to be trying to sort this out, because it sounds like it really is affecting your relationship, because it's hit you right where it hurts re: your image of yourself.
Try to take these thoughts on board:
- His reaction to the idea of you being on one of these sites is really good - he would hate for you, his precious girl, to be seen by loads of other guys - this means he wants to keep you for himself.
- If you are attractive enough to try out as a pin-up, you are surely a beautiful woman - and he thinks so, which is one of the reasons he's with you (only one). Believe this, because it's true.
- We all panic a bit after the first intense phase of a relationship, when things calm down and he starts spending the evening surfing the net for car radios and porn instead of lighting candles and giving us a back massage. It freaks me out, as well. But you have to let yourself relax into that new phase, I think - you have to accept it. It doesn't mean he doesn't want you - it just means he's comfortable now that he's got you. Of course you need to keep the physical closeness and sex there, but don't mistake this calming down for him not liking you - he's just settling down with you. It's a good thing. Enjoy it. Put your arms round him. Listen to the sound of his breathing. Give him a blowjob while he's checking out websites : ). Remind him you're there, and he's damn lucky to have you!
- I say again, see the porn for what it is, and how he sees it: eye candy. It means nothing. It's an old habit and faintly diverting for him. And if you really can't bear it, ask him about it - or say something like 'if you watched porn, I'd be really upset and think you don't fancy me - would that be a stupid thing to think?' and hopefully he'll say something along the lines of 'yes, don't be so daft!' because I reckon that's the truth.
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female
reader, stivi 123 +, writes (17 March 2008):
You shouldn't let this destroy your relation ship.He most probably does not want to sleep with these woman but is just doing it for a bit of fun.Dont put your self down because of it, this probably has nothing to do with you.Maybe you should give him a bit of space when it comes to this as he may be feeling abit embarrassed about it and does not want to share this with you. Dont let this come between your relationship though. good luck Stivi 123
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (17 March 2008):
 Dear peksy, you didn't mention there were problems in bed. That changes things, but I'm not sure how. I would need more information.
However, I can tell you that he wouldn't love you more if you were working in porn. I'm sure he loves you for who you are, not for how you look. And it's just not true that he will find someone else as he gets bored with porn.
Don't worry too much about this. Just try to work on making the relationship work, and that will do the magic.
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female
reader, peksy86 +, writes (17 March 2008):
peksy86 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm trying not to mess it up, he doesn't know that it's upset me and that I've been checking it all out. I did ask him if he'd mind me trying out for one of these sites and he was completely against it which was strange considering we met through me trying out for a pin up site. He seemed OK with that to begin with. I figured, if i could be one of those women he'd want me more.
I also feel that if he has to use porn when I'm right next to him, how long will it be before he goes elsewhere to find what he needs?
We both know I have image issues and I used to be allot worse than I am now, he helped me with that. Now our relationship is settling down, it's not the same as it was and I'm feeling less and less attractive esp with the problems in bed.
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female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (17 March 2008):
 Red has given you good advice. Dont ruin things between you over a little bit of porn. All men have fantasies about these women. But thats the point its because they are un-obtainable.
You have to learn to love yourself, otherwise your jelousy will ruin it all. I am sure you have nothing to worry about. And I tell you something else, if you keep checking up on him, it will not only drive him mad, you will drive yourself nuts as well.
Lets face facts!! If a man or woman wants to have an affair behind their partners back, they will do it, and no snooping in the world will stop it. Why drive yourself mad, thinking he is up to something. You could end up pushing him away.
The most atractive thing about any person, is confidence.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): you can find women that feel like you at npsupport.net
and yes you are right to feel betrayed and lied to. In this day and age everyone seems to so pornified that they think if you don't find any value in it there is something wrong with you, there is not. Good luck to you
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (17 March 2008):
 You need to know that a man and a woman thinks differently and they may not share the same perspective about porn.
You may have a right to think this way but he does not think like you because he is simply a male and has the male hormones.
Does his actions belies what you think?
If he does not , then you should just close an eye and treat it as a male thing and it does not happens like what you think.
Generally but with exceptions, most males look at porn sometimes in their life and only those hypocrites say they don't.
There are some people who live in their own make believe porn less world .
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (17 March 2008):
I think red1982 has given you a very good opinion. I would like to talk about your insecurity.
Whether your boyfriend watches porn or not should not make you doubt your own value. It is clear you have a problem giving value to yourself. You want to be accepted in the group and have become very sensitive to what people say or do. I think you should see yourself as a great person, someone who is worth of everything. Suicide would be wasting the treasure you are. No one can be reduced to how s/he looks.
I agree that he loves you and that he watches porn because it's a male thing. It doesn't have anything at all to do with you. Try hard to see it this way.
You are the real flesh-and-blood woman he lives with. The porn is just a fantasy. I say, you're far better than any image on a screen. Don't just read this; believe it, because it's true. And it would be true even if your boyfriend didn't believe it (though I'm sure he knows it full well).
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (17 March 2008):
He's embarrassed to tell you the truth about the porn - he feels bad about looking at it, and is worried that if he tells you he has, then he'll be in a whole lot of trouble, plus you'll feel insecure about yourself and if he finds you attractive. So that's why he's lied - because he's scared. And also, I'M SURE, because he DOES want to be with you, and does love you, and the porn means nothing at all - but he's worried that you won't see it that way, so he daren't admit it.
Poor guy. You've got to feel a bit sorry for him. I know that men watching porn can make you feel really really insecure about your own body, as I found out that my guy also does it - but on a bit of investigation (my brother, friends, etc) i found out that LOADS of guys watch porn on a regular basis - I mean loads of them - and it is something quite separate from their real lives and relationships - it's just a fantasy, and means nothing. They could just as easily be sitting in the car thinking about sex, but it's so accessible on the net, and men are really visual creatures, so seeing it is just too tempting for them.
I'm not sure that's going to make you feel much better, because I sense you feel quite insecure anyhow. I really don't think you should, though. You know what the best thing would be? It would be if you watched it together. I know you probably don't want to do that, as it is pretty gross, but then at least it would become not such a big thing, and you would see that it really is a silly mechanical sort of stimulus and nothing to do with real life, real love and sex in a loving relationship.
You've only been with him 6 months - he was probably (I'd say CERTAINLY) watching porn before, and it's addictive - he just hasn't give it up. Please trust him - he's just a guy - if he was going out and finding women and having sex with them, that's a completely different thing - but looking at a bit of porn - you have to either ignore it, or join in. I do hope you manage to do one or the other, and make sure you see it for what it is - really, nothing. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, agtorange +, writes (17 March 2008):
 He's lying because he doesn't want you to feel ugly, it may not make sense to you, but being a guy I may do the same thing for that very reason.
The way he sees it is if he admits he watches porn you'll get offended and think he'd rather look at other women, which isn't the case, guys look at porn, it's just something we do.
Don't let something this minscure mess up your relationship.
What she don't know won't hurt her, that's probably the motto he was going by when he lied to you.
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female
reader, red1982 +, writes (17 March 2008):
Most men view porn differently to most women. They need more visual stimulation when they fantasize. It really doesn't mean that he wants to sleep with these women or thinks that they are better then you. He may have just lokked at it because he was curious. It may not even interest him that much. He probably denied it because he was embarrased about being caught looking!
Unless he seems to be more interested in pornography then sleeping with you I really wouldn't worry about it. Tell him that you find it offensive and would rather that he didn't look at it, and leave it at that. Don't check what he's searching for!!!
Your boyfriend obviously loves you - to be living together after 6 months shows that he is commited to this relationship. Please don't ruin it through insecurity and mistrust. Trust that he loves you, and the way you look.
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