A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm not at all sure what to think about this, and would like some opinions. Here it goes:I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. He's been studying hard and is aiming for his masters, I support him fully and I know he does the same for me. We have our arguments but I think every couple does, however yesterday He told me something that completely took me by surprise and all I could do was respond in anger. My family and parent were under the impression that my boyfriend's parents were dead for the past 3 years. He never brought them up and when I asked, He would always change subject. It annoyed me because I wanted to be his cradle and confidant. So lately I've been asking about it a bit more and more about what happened and then he finally told me that they were actually still alive... I was so angry when I found out, I made him sleep on the couch. Today I asked why( I noticed that he had bought me a bouquet and said he was sorry, but that kinda made me angrier)? He told me because his parents were "dead" to him in and that he felt they would never approve of us...? That while he felt it was great for kids to know their parents he would rather our children ( when we have kids) remember them well rather than who they actually are.My problem is if he lied to me for three continuous years, and my family. Should I still be with him. My heart says yes, but my mind is a little confused. I was wondering if I was being blind.Thanks(we're both the same age.) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 March 2013):
 He always changed the subject about his parents. He never said they were dead or that he was estranged from them. He just never said. To me this would possibly be a deal breaker. Is he an only child? Are there siblings? Is he estranged from them too?
There are perfectly fine reasons for adults to be estranged from parents. Hiding it for THREE years seems excessive to me.
My husband is estranged from his mother for many reasons. I’m not even sure she knows we are married. I’ve never met her. BUT I was TOLD from the beginning that he had no relationship with her and why he had no relationship with her. The fact that he HATES his mother is ok with me as HATE is still an emotion and it’s a passionate one. To cut your parents off with no emotion and no comment about them to your SO for THREE YEARS reeks of a bigger problem that is not being seen by the general population here.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2013): I think you're taking this out of proportion. Do you see him talking to his parents? Are you two close enough that he would've called them without you finding out? Or do you think he talked to them secretly?
He doesn't talk to them, he didn't want to tell you because you'd probably want to meet them and then get offended that he can't take you to see them. So yeah, they're pretty dead to him if he doesn't even talk to them for three years.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 March 2013):
 I think you have a healthy suspicion about a guy who would - apparently - be DELIBERATELY evasive, or non-communicative, about his parents..... since "family" is usually something that a "couple" share about one-another.
What ELSE "isn't he telling you????" and, for what reason?
For example, he might not be telling you that he has a wife or OTHER G/F .... ".... because you never asked me..."
See what I mean?????
I think you have LOTS of reason to be questioning your future with this guy....
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (13 March 2013):
 I do not think you should be too upset. I can understand a certain amount of anger but, I believe he has the right to hide this away. Not lie, but, it is his choice about whether or not to be forthcoming about his family. Just to clarify, did he actually ever say that his parents were dead?
Some people are more open about any animosity within their family but others, can feel quite ashamed about it, so much so that they would rather others believe that they were dead. It might not be the wisest choice but, it is what they are comfortable with. Myself, I have actually lied to others and outright told others that a certain part of my family was dead. Out of hatred and shame and a whole other mass of emotion. It felt like the best decision at the time and it was what I was comfortable with. It isn't a choice made out of logic but emotion. Hopefully this makes sense but if not, unfortunately I know of no other way to explain it right now.
Hopefully you can discuss this further with him. Surely there is more to this story than that they simply disapproved of you two. However, remember that we all build trust at our own pace and he may not wish to reveal that part of him or simply even revisit it just yet.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 March 2013):
 It sounds like he never outright lied and said "my parents are dead", right? He merely changed the subject and didn't talk about them.I have a different view on this situation. You mentioned one of the reasons he never talked about them were that they would "not approve" of the two of you. It's interesting that *THIS* was the main reason, as opposed to his talking about abuse or money fraud or his dad sleeping with an ex or something. That's a real problem in your relationship if he is hiding you from his parents (and hiding them from you). Who else would he be ashamed to know he's with you?This makes me wonder if he is still in contact with them, but likewise have never mentioned you. Is his a family of secrets, like many other families are? I normally agree with not pushing for a partner to open up, but after 3 years, the simple sentence "my parents and I are estranged, and I don't want to talk about it" didn't occur to him? He's going for his masters, so he has some intelligence.I know you're angry because you want him to be able to tell you anything, and you must have known something was up with his parents, or you wouldn't have kept on him about dead parents. The truth is, you should be a lot more wary than angry. There should be other questions you ask, such as WHY they wouldn't approve of you, whether he was still in secret contact, and whether his parents know about you. Also, there should be other subjects you should find out if he's keeping you from knowing about him.As for whether or not you stay with him, I think you should stay, as he has not mistreated you, and he has the right to not talk about things. However, I think there should be some more non-angry heart-to-heart talks, and he should be open with you. After 3 years, you are entitled to know some things about him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2013): I truly understand your anger for him not to declare something as important as his parents "being alive!" However; the redeeming factor is, he put you ahead of them. He thinks (or knows) they would not approve of you; and in his mind, he was protecting you. Sparing you whatever issues would be a strain on your relationship. You are justified in being completely shocked! He deserved exactly how you handled it.Now keeping things in perspective, you are now aware of his deception and the existence of his parents. You must carefully approach his reasoning. Do not be pushy and demanding. This is obviously a sensitive and painful area in his life. You don't know his parents; so you can't jump to any conclusions. You need to know the facts. He has finally revealed their existence, and that must have been tough. He knew you would be upset!He foolishly thought lying would protect you; when in fact, he did more harm than good. Three years is a long time, and such behavior borders on crazy. Aside from your own family, this is an issue between you and your boyfriend first. All family dynamics are not the same. You are an adult, and must approach this with reason.Perhaps his withholding this information was to allow your relationship to flourish without interference from his family. Be glad you found out before you were married to him! I don't know his nationality or ethnicity; but some cultures differ greatly in this area. Therefore; take this into consideration as well.Parents in many other cultures weld power far into the adult-lives of their children. They can put an end to a relationship they don't approve of, in ways you couldn't imagine.If he's an American; people who were abused, or bullied by their parents as children, often cut their families out of their lives in order to move on. That's the only way they know how to deal with it and survive. Some wealthy parents yank and dangle the purse strings, in order to manipulate the lives of their children. Declaring them dead, has no real justification. It all depends on the depth of the dysfunction in the family, on how they chose to live with it.Try to be understanding. You must also make it clear to him that in order to maintain your trust, he must NEVER keep anything so important from you. Also remember, just because you have a good relationship with your parents; it doesn't follow that everyone else does. He must deliver the whole truth explaining such deception,regardless. You deserve to know, in order to continue your relationship; and he owes it to your family as well. If he doesn't, it would be in your best interest to re-consider if this man is right for you. I advise you not to accept a marriage proposal until you know the full truth.Such behavior is far too extreme, under any circumstances.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2013): If he can lie about this than he probably harbors some other dark secrets too. If he can't confide in you that his parents ares till alive but they're not on speaking terms then it's a clear indication that he lacks intimacy - he's not willing to open up and share everything with the love of his life. I don't trust people who lie, especially about something serious as falsely stating that someone is dead. Trust your gut instinct....something isn't quite right with this guy.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (13 March 2013):
 HI
I'm actually surprised your so angry and not curious as to why he would avoid letting you know they were alive? I would find this upsetting not annoying, he must have had some serious issues with his family to be like this, it takes a lot of strength to stay away from your family unless something terrible has happened. So instead of thinking about why he never told you try thinking about how you can now support him as this will be a hard road for him now, he opened pandoras box and the first thing you do is shout at him and send him to the sofa. Maybe this is why it took him so long cause he knew you would react in this way. So I would look at yourself and why you DID respond that way and apologise to him too. then you can both move forward from this.
Mandy
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (13 March 2013):
 I know that you are shocked/disappointed in your boyfriend but I can sort of understand why he acted the way he did. My guy and I have been dating for 12 years. He has NEVER met my parents and I don't ever want him to. He knows my parents are alive but that's about all he knows. My parents are extremely racist and my guy is Japanese. He is a very kind intelligent man but they would never give him a chance. They have talked so badly about his race and him without even meeting him that I would never subject him to the horror of meeting them face to face. There is sadly a very troubled relationship with my parents and I don't think it can ever be resolved. I have almost no contact with my parents at all because of their close mindedness with the world. I have never told my boyfriend why he hasn't met them, and he has never asked. I don't want to hurt him or upset myself.Please try and give your boyfriend a break. This is cutting hairs but in actuality..he didn't lie to you did he? He just avoided the subject. There MUST be a reason why! Perhaps now that the "cat is out of the bag" he will open up to you. I wouldn't be too harsh on him though. I'm not saying what he did was right but some cuts run VERY deep and right now you don't know what happened.
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A
female
reader, LaceratedReality  +, writes (13 March 2013):
I understand that you feel hurt, however, you might not know the whole story.
I personally am estranged from my parents (history of abuse) and if anyone asks about them I avoid the subject too. They might as well be dead to me and I do not want them apart of my life - even talking about them brings me pain.
Perhaps there is something similar going on with him? Maybe you could suggest counselling for him (or both of you). He might be going through something which is very painful and may need your help/support.
Sometimes having family in your life is not always a postitive experience, and he might not want that for his future children.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (13 March 2013):
 He never told you they were dead, he simply never spoke about them. So I dont think what he has done is so terrible, he obviously doesnt have a good relationship with them and doesnt want to talk about them - I dont think it is really worth breaking up over to be honest.
He has apologise, and he has explained himself, so I'd just let this one go and ask him simply to never lie to you again and you would always prefer to know the truth.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (13 March 2013):
 i think you should let him off the hook for this. clearly he's got some serious bad blood with them and he wants nothing to do with them. and that's his right. it may be an extremely sensitive subject for him to talk about, so it's so much easier saying they're dead versus having to answer all of the questions he'd face if he told you they were alive. maybe he's not ready to face those questions emotionally.
i don't think this is something for you to get extremely worked up over or lose trust in him over. if you trusted him before, you should still trust him. let him talk to you about his family when he's ready.
here's an example of a good friend of mine: her mother was physically abusive and her father sexually abused her over and over until she finally ran away at the age of 13 and never came back. so to her, she "has no parents." rightfully so. can you blame her? she tells some people that her parents are dead because it's just so much easier emotionally than having to relive all of that horror to explain it. it makes sense when you think about it like that.
i don't know what your boyfriends situation is, but whatever it is, it's a big deal to him. and he didn't want to talk about it because it clearly is something that hurts him. i would be supportive and let him know that while it did hurt that he didn't confide in you about it, that you still love him and you aren't mad. and that you hope one day he can eventually talk to you about it.
that's what i would do. but hey, that's just me. lol. good luck.
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