A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:hi aunts and uncles, i would really appreciate your perspective on this. i have been with my partner 3 years , been living together for 18 months. i moved to the other side of the country to be with him. he has 2 children from his previous marraige who we have most weekends and holidays. my chldren are grown and at uni so i knew it would be a challenge. he has a very controlling ex wife who changes arrangments all the time to suit herself, she sends him written demands which he seems to stick on the fridge so he does everything right. they dont communicate as it was a very bitter divorce, these notes get sent with the children which is upsetting but i have excepted that is how things are. they have been divorced 5 years now but they are both still very bitter. she left him for a friend of his and i know he was very hurt anyway,the problem i have is that he is adamant that he would not have any more children and i always wanted another child but have accepted this as i love him and if its not what he wants then so be it. we discussed this before i moved in and he said he had a lot to give and would consider it but changes his mind. like i said i have accepted that now and we are not getting any younger. we also discussed marraige and he said he was not against it. but again he has changed his mind. we had a discussion the other night and he said he would not marry me. i asked if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and he could not answer me. i was distraught. just after i moved here he was offered a job that takes him away during the week and he took it as it was very good money. he has savings and this house which is his house is paid for. he is financially secure but money seems to be all he cares about. i am in a new city with no friends and feel isolated and depreesed. i also own my own property and have suggested we sell both and buy a house together. he said it was a good idea then started talking percentages as he would be putting more into it than me. at first i said that was fine but after thinking about it and after the things he has said. im questioning whather i should stay with him. he earns 6 times what i earn yet i always pay my own way and sometimes go halves even with his children and he lets me pay for things all the time. i am now thinking that he thinks im a money grabber like his ex wife but im not interested in his money whatsoever. im not that type of person and have always stood on my own two feet. so!!! he wont have kids FINE, he wont get married FINE, but too scared to get a house together may be the last straw for me as much as i love him. i live in his house and do everything for him and the children and thats the way he likes it. all he says is that im never happy, how can i be when he is so selfish. he doesnt trust me due to his past and if there is no trust where do we go. my heart wants to stay but my head is telling me to leave. sorry for the long post but really would love some advice. thankyou.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011): I have same situation, I have a boyfriend, we seeing each other for a while, since then I totally foget I have a online profile on match.com, I didn't pay attention to this site at all, so my profile still in the public. and later I decide to close it, but the website still automatically recharged me,and i log on into the site, try the several time to find a button to close it, but my boyfriend monitor me for a while without tell me he found my activity online for 24 hours, which make him very upset, he thought I was looking for dating someone else. I try to explain, but he doesn't listen, he say he can not trust any woman anymore due to his past bad experience. he decide to be friend with me. he said he likes me as much as I like him, but he can not take me as girl friend due to this online activity. I feel so sad. I try the everything, but it just doesnt' work. my profile is finally getting closed by called technical serves.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): Do you want to let the years pass by and still have the same problems in your relationship? To start off I would like to let you know that you are a strong and brave woman that has overcome throughout life with your children. I also understand the situation that you moved to another country to be with him and is not as easy to drop everything and leave. Although if you feel that your relationship has gone beyond what is reparable, then ending the relationship and moving forward might be the only solution. Looking at your post I see that there is lack of communication, no trust, selfishness, no commitment, over all you are still an independent woman, which is why I feel you should move on from the relationship. First of all, you’re no longer getting what you want or need from the relationship. You can no longer communicate with your partner. Let’s face it if you don’t laugh anymore and you’re not happy chances are your partner isn’t either. Humor is something that all relationships need. If you no longer find his jokes funny, or you can’t have lighthearted conversations, it may be a sign that the relationship has lost its zing. Communication is the biggest key in every relationship. Without it, you won’t know the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, and or signs of your partner. Communication is what keeps the relationship in intact. Your relationship is falling apart because of it. If you guys don’t communicate then why are you both in the relationship in the first place? I mean how would you know what your partner is feeling or what makes him happy, if both never had good communications. Secondly, as you mention he has a controlling wife that is constantly sending him written demands, and yet he intends to follow them to do everything right. Personally I think this is not normal do to the fact that they are not together anymore and yet he listens to her. This is what I can recommend you with; Trust is a very delicate, profound and essential thing to have in a companionship. That’s why when the trust is gone the only way for the relationship to go is down. The partner who cannot trust ever enjoys peace of mind. If your partner can never take pleasure of being in a loving relationship, because he believes that you always have an ulterior motive. He is not capable of connecting intimately anymore because he thinks that you are being unfaithful. The person who has trust issues is a sad, angry, lonely and a confused person.Third, you mention in your post that he is a selfish person. Everything, in this relationship, is about making him happy. What about you? You deserve to be happy too. You have sacrificed many things in your life such as moving to the other side of the country, which you are leaving behind family, friends and your kids. It doesn’t matter if they are in the university; moms always want to be close to their kids. What has he done for you? You are living in his house and can ask you to leave whenever he wants. You are taking care of his kids and not only are you going halves on things, but at times you are the one who pays for most of the things. Taking care of the children from the man you love is not a bad thing, but when he doesn’t take that in consideration to at least try and work things out, is so selfish of him. "Marriage is that relation between man and woman in which the independence is equal, the dependence mutual, and the obligation reciprocal,” suggest director Louis K from “Selfishness in A Relationship.” I know you guys are not married, but you guys are a couple that has been living with each other for a while and looks like he is not willing to sacrifice anything for you. He will stay in this relationship as long as you keep him happy and keep on accepting his decisions and not yours.Fourth, bringing marriage up it seems that there is no commitment in your relationship. You want to marry the man you love, but he doesn’t feel the same about you. Like you said “We are not getting any younger,” that is why I feel you should move forward and find someone that can give you that one hundred percent commitment. The article “When Your Love Doesn’t Want to Get Married,” explains that “If a man is really committed to a relationship he will want to marry you rather that just live with you.” I put myself in your place and if my long term boyfriend wouldn’t want to marry me I would me distraught too. In my opinion I would leave him because I wouldn’t want to be with a man that is not confident or is sure about our relationship. It might be hurtful at first, but it would be more harmful and depressive staying with someone that is not committed.Finally, you are an independent woman. Reading your post I see many problems in which I already talked about. I also saw how you have overcome many things on your own. You help your partner with his kids. As you pay for all of your things and go halve on stuff with him. You have clearly stated that you have stand on your own two feet and don’t need his money. With that said you can look forward to life without him. You also have your own property that you own, why not pack your bags and move back to your own house. That way you won’t have to deal with your partners ex wife or be depressed about your relationship.Letting go won’t be easy, but I guarantee you that you will be much happier. As you will have your family and friends there to support you. You never know maybe gone from your partners life can hit him in the head and like a quote I like to refer to, “You never know what you have until you lose it.” If he really loves you he will come back to you with more communication, trust, less selfishness and ready to give you that one hundred percent commitment that you deserve.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2011): Dear anonymous writer, The problem that you have with your boyfriend seems to be serious. Your boyfriend’s avoiding marriage, another child and getting another house together and his ex-wife could be the reason. Due to his previous marriage it may or may not be the reason why he is being like this, however your boyfriend also makes you pay for things, instead of him, is unfair. You need to get out and join a support group to avoid getting into depression. It seems that he only wants companionship for the moment. It also appears as if he doesn’t have reliance towards you because of his job and thinks you are only with him for his money. You shouldn’t be with a man if his perceptions are different from yours. You shouldn’t be with a man if he has no trust, not willing to buy a property together, has no communication, not willing to have children and making you pay for expenses. After reading your post, I believe that it is best you move forward with your life. This is because it is clear he is stubborn and not willing to sacrifice for the greater good of the relationship. Although he has suffered from a traumatizing past he still must learn that what is done is done. According to Mayo Clinic, “Denial is a common type of defense mechanism that occurs in reaction to a trauma or perceived threat.” With that being said he is like an anchor holding you down and is keeping you from what you want the most. He seems to value his money more than making you happy. As far as your property is concerned, it would not be wise to sell. This is due to the fact that if you lose him you also have lost your property. So not only are you left alone, but now you have no home. In addition, it makes no sense to sell your property only so that he may own more percentage of the new home. You are losing more than there is to gain.Communication is a big role in a relationship it helps to discover the wrongs and the rights of the relationship by talking it over. It seems that you and your partner are having serious problems communicating since he is working during the week and in the weekend his children are around. Communicating will take you exactly where he wants to be in a relationship but they will come out with an excuse every time. For example, I am too tired, I don’t want to argue and or I have things to do. Find time to sit and talk about what you really want and need in the relationship and if he does not want to then maybe he is not the one for you. Every partner needs to meet half ways to understand and to meet each other’s needs and if you’re the only one doing this that then maybe this relationship was not meant to be. Don’t stress yourself with some one that won’t meet your needs there are millions of guys waiting to have their special half and who knows maybe you could be one. Having your partner to reconsider to be marrying or have children with you should have been a problem from the beginning. When one loves, another one always will provide them with everything they want and need. Therefore, having your partner tell you that he does not want to have children and does not want to marry you should be a red alert for you to leave him. But then again your love is more powerful than what love he gives you. Maybe having children with him is not such a good idea if he does not want to get marry with you. Another reason is maybe he does not want attachments that would end up in his mind hurting him like his ex-wife. What really worries me is what you said in your letter “I asked if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and he could not answer me.” It seems that you need to really talk to him honestly on what he really wants and needs because getting marry and or having children will become a serious problem right now since he doesn’t tell you an answer to your question. When you go out with your boyfriend he makes you pay for things. That sounds unfair because is either he pays for the expenses of, at least pays for half. He has to pay because he even takes his own kids and you have no business paying for them. The two of you need to go separate way. Steps forward take the men out of your life and get out of his house you already know what he want. He is definitely not worth anything I am sure you can’t find somebody else. He will never change; he will always be living in the past. So you need to step forward and be brave. In conclusion, your boyfriend avoiding family, marriage, and buying a house together might mean that he doesn’t want to be with you when you two go out and he makes you pay for most of the expenses is unfair and selfish of him. He has self-esteem issues do to his past. That can be the reason why he doesn’t trust you. Find will power to move forward instead of letting the relationship hold you back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2011): Dear,Friend you need to leave this men and get out of his house.He will not change in any way and you know how he feels about you and what he is expecting from you.Be strong you will defenily find somebody more special and will marry you.Be patience and dont be sacared go back to your city you need to talk to someone to let it out.Hw will always be living in the past
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