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writes: Hi I had three children with my partner of 9 years. He left me during my second pregnancy but I gave him a second chance and we got back together. He then left me when I was 7 months pregnant with our 3rd child after having an affair with a (rich) work collegue and continuing the relationship. It has been 6 months now and I have started to move on and feel as though I am in a much better place. He now has had a change of heart and realises that he has made a huge mistake and wants to get back with me. He says that he has learnt so much whilst being away and feels as though he wants his family back. He says he misses the kids and realises that he still loves me. He is so sorry and says this to me all the time. He feels bad about what he has put me through (loads). We had sex on two occasions but I told him it cannot happen again. I dont think I want to be with him and I am not going to sleep with him again. I think I want to move on without him as I do not trust him but I dont know if I should tell him this or give the relationship one last chance. The reason I consider giving the relationship another try is because I do still have feelings for him and we both really want the family life. We were together since we were 16 this is the first time he cheated although he was talking to a girl the first time. Both breakups have been led by him. When he came back the first time. He said he wanted to do the right thing by staying with me and the kids. But both times he left it was because he said he no longer loved me. How can he suddenly realise he loves me now and wants to marry me? Im soooo confused about what is in his head for real and dont know if I believe his reasons behind it. He is also only on a break from the work collegue but he says he does not love her. They are constantly arguing and she says she loves him but wishes she didnt waste her time on him. She is older and going through a divorce and has a child. She was offering him alot of material gifts such as a car to symbolise them being together. He now says that all that doesnt mean anything anymore and that me and the kids are more important than anything materialistic. What shall I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all. I was new whehn I first posted the question and I never really offered a update to you all. Thankyou for all your advice. I never did give him that second chance. Life has been a big drama since then. There has been alot of tears from us both and we did alot of talking.
However things are still often up and down and we have to see each other for the kids sake. Back in Novemeber his girlfriend called me and I confirmed that we had slept together whilst they were together. He told me she knew but never told me he lied to her to keep her. They broke up and have since got back together although they do that so often. My ex has changed and is constantly angry with me and tries to make me jealous of their relationship. I do still care for him loads but dont want him back although I do wish things were differently.
He tries to make me jealous by telling me there plans even if I dont wanna here. He has now added a picture of her kissing our children on facebook and talks down to me when she is around him. This girl hates me but Im sure she is intimidating by me as I have his three kids and was his first everything.
They get on my nerves but I just try to show a positive face. I cant stand them playing happy families with my kids but I just grin and bare it which I find so hard all the time. Im still not fully over the loss but am getting stronger by the day.
A
female
reader, On Cloud9  +, writes (18 September 2007):
 You say that you have started to move on and feel as though you are in a much better place, please please keep this in the forefront of your mind before making any decisions.
I have been in similar situation, no children though, but I considered it to be a habit, a bad bad habit, like smoking, which I gave up 6 years ago. I went through so much when I tried to stop, it was very difficult and sometimes I still think about it but I can always remember how difficult it was to stop and know I could never go through that again and why would I want to now that I am free of the habit.
I hope you don't mind me comparing your problem to smoking because I know it is nothing like it but its the same bad bad habit, by that I mean it is a habit that will keep you dependant and destroy your health, albeit your mental health.
Your current situation and my past experience was the same, I went through so very much upset when we finished and then it was easy to go back because it eased the pain a little but then we broke up again and I was back in the same painful place. If only I had continued to be strong and kick that habit (him) then I would never have put myself back in that place and I would have been free.
Of course you have children so you will need to keep in touch but remember how much you have moved on - don't let it be 5 steps forward only to go 7 back.
I wish you well, and remember nothing in life that is worth having is easy x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): Get out while you still can, and still feel like you can move on without him. There is over 5 billion people on earth. Why lower your self worth, self esteem, and settle by being with a man who obviously uses you. You only live once. What he feels now is not Love, but pitty for himself due to the "other woman" problems he is experiencing. Yes you have three children with him, and you aren't doing them any favors by staying with this person. He's not even a man when he skips out on you when were pregnant, and not once, but twice!!! What kind of example are setting for your children by staying in an unhealthy situation like this. Basically you are telling them they can be treated like shit, and it's OK! It's not as if they can't have visitations with him. Not like he deserves it he walked out on them before they were even born!!! Kick it high gear girl, and run like the wind, and find YOUR happiness with someone who values you as well as your children.
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female
reader, kate256  +, writes (11 September 2007):
Boy he knows all your buttons to press!! He knows exactly what to say to you, for you to take him back!! Maybe she is the one ending it?? He doesn't love you, remember? He wants to be a family man again, until somebody else comes along that gets his attention!! How selffish is he? Playing with your emotions like that, stay strong and stay the hell away from him, you can do much better!!
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female
reader, Repeatedsmiler +, writes (8 September 2007):
My sister went out with some one like this. Someone who is flighty back and forth. I watched her confidence drain over the years to shell, nothing like she used to be. I wouldnt trust him. he comes back when its convienient for him and i dont think he has you in the equation. I would nt stay together for the sake of the kids my parents did that and as kids we suffered emotionally watching them arguing everyday. Have some guts and make yourself strong for you and your kids.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2007): Take a step back - he's not a nice person is he? Do you want this type of cheating disrespectful man as a day to day role model for your children? Think of yourself too - come on you can do better than him.... do not give him any more chances. I get the feeling you don't want him anyway but feel obliged because of the children. Not a good enough reason I'm afraid - not in this situation. Be the better person and show yourself, your children and the rest of the world that they are better than this. By the way... he won't change.
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male
reader, duce00 +, writes (1 September 2007):
 You are in a difficult situation. Ultimately you are in control weither you believe it or not. I understand that when the S%!t is hitting the fan its hard to reason your way out but it is YOU who have to make the change because this shmuck isnt going to. He is ripping his way through your childrens lives and yours too. People (and parents especially) who are this self centered are the bane of this world. I hope you ditch him and all his BS and do whats right for your children. Maybe some help from family and friends would be the answer. Being a single parent isnt easy (I know) but you can do it with out him and you should. If you do this, over time you will grow strong and you will be a better person and mother for it. Do whats right hun!
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (1 September 2007):
 Geeze, isn't this guy something?
He leaves you during not one, but TWO pregnancies. PREGNANCIES of all things... you're sweet enough to give him one more chance (which I think is crazy, but alright.), but again?!?
Shame on this guy. Don't let him get you wrapped around his little finger, and don't be the woman who he can come and go to. His behavior will probably repeat over time, and why bear that pain? I worry about your kids especially, if he leaves once again - they'll be getting older and they'll recognize a father who's abandoning them.
Don't do it to yourself, and don't do it to your kids. Respect yourself! You're already beginning to get over him, stay ON THAT PATH. Keep going and find yourself a real man who's not going to be hot/cold on you and who can be a good father figure to your kids. You deserve consistency, respect and love!
Good luck, sweetness.
xxIndia
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male
reader, Escalaya +, writes (1 September 2007):
 First of all, I'd like to say I'm sorry to hear about the predicament that you're in.
Second; like Frank stated, he does not deserve a chance, hell, I hardly feel that he deserves visitation rights, but what can you do there, eh?
Reject him. He's most likely using you as a back up, because he thinks/knows he can.
That's just my opinion.
Best of luck, and take care.
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (31 August 2007):
 Do not take him back. He is looking for a temporary stay until his next adventure.
If he left only once before, I would have said give him a chance...maybe.
He left you TWICE?
Fool you once, shame on him.
Fool you twice, shame on you.
Do not give him the opening to make a fool of you a third time.
What pisses me off is that he abandoned you WITH CHILDREN.
That makes him sick.
-Frank B Kermit
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