A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,My boyfriend and I have known each other for a year and have been dating for about 6 months. We absolutely love each other and we have a very strong relationship. I am Muslim and he is Christian. We used to be close friends before we started dating and when he asked me out, I was very hesitant and told him that he would have to convert eventually if he wants the relationship to be serious. He listened to me and told me that religion is not a big part of his life and that he would want to be with me and get closer to God. His father ( a catholic Christian) converted for his mom and became orthodox. 6 months have passed and we'e become closer than ever, I've met his parents and I know we are committed to each other. Recently my parents told me explicitly that I can only marry a Muslim guy so when I told my boyfriend and asked what he thought about converting. he answered saying that he does not think he can do it, that if he does convert it would be totally for me. He also said that he is selfish and lazy and that he is happy with how he thinks of religion and does not feel the need to practice. he said if he feels forced into something he wouldn't do it and that he also cannot give up pork and alcohol for me. Long story short, he was terribly devastated telling me all of this and cried and I knew he was genuine and honest and admitted that he will not be able to do it. I was extremely shocked because when we started dating I warned him about religion and he even brought up how his father converted for his mom, how he felt lucky that i even accepted to date him. he told me he felt awful and felt like a fool because I warned him about hwo important religion is to me and he never took what I said seriously. he said he was in love with me and didn't think much of religion. I asked if he had plans for the future with me and he answered yes and that our relationship has always been "us and we" and he always thought he'd be there for me and be with me. After tis conversation he was going to leave me (we live in different cities) and break up but he extended his visit to me for a few days and told me that he'll talk about this to his family and think about it more. I am honestly very worried. I asked him specifically not to leave me in the dark and tell me about what he decides. I am worried that I was fooled and he was with me just for fun. I do not practice daily ( I do fast and don't drink alcohol or eat pork) but I told him I am looking for someone to bring me closer to God to relearn the religion with me and to practice it with me. So I m not forcing things on him, I was just hoping we'd regain our faith together. I forgot to say that he had a Jewish girlfriend for 3 years before me. So, obviously his family was ok with him dating a non-Christian. When I first met his grandparents, his grandma told him to not tell his grandpa that I was Muslim. He also said that he is afraid to be at odds with his parents if he converts. I have been devastated about this and do not know what to do. Any tips would be extremely helpful.Since we've talked, I feel that he is pullign away. When he left, I asked if that was a goodbye and he reassured me that it wasn't. he also made plans to go to concerts with me this summer so I am a bit hopeful yet concerned. I would appreciate any advice on what to do.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2014): People say all kinds of things when they're in love. However, religion is not a light thing that can be easily changed. Religion (or lack of) is something that's apart of you and your family, and dictates your values. Even if you SAY that you'll convert and act is if you converted. How do you really feel? I'm atheist and I can say I've converted to Christianity. But no matter what, at the end of the day, it means nothing to me because I don't believe creative design or a higher being exists. Same with say, a Christian who says they convert to Atheism to please their significant other. At the end of the day, chances are it's tough for the to feel a connection to that person who thinks their beliefs are an illusion. Same with cross-religion converting. I hope that helps. I would find someone who shares your values. How you raise your children and how your families view you will come into play in the future too. Good luck.
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (24 June 2014):
 Honey, let him go. You cannot marry him and in Islam the marriage will not be recognised unless he converts. I am afraid you lost your heart to the wrong man. People have converted whether to hindu jew Christian to marry the person they love, but your BF is not interested. Cut your loses and move on.
You know this is the end of the road, we would be wrong by giving you false home. THings happen for a reason we learn from it and grow but also move on.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (23 June 2014):
 I second some of what SVC and jls022 have said.
If certain qualities in a potential partner are important to you, then it's best you find someone who already possess them. While their efforts may be genuine, the results may not bear fruit and you don't know how long or even IF those changes will last.
I would not have even asked him to convert. If he was interested in Islam he'd have investigated it on his own before he met you and if he believed in it, he would already have converted.
Asking someone to change their beliefs for you is a HUGE request and very unrealistic.
I don't think he lied to you. I do believe he was sincere, but now that he's had time to consider the enormity of what's being asked of him, he's realised it's too much for him. Another discussion about this is unlikely to help. in fact it will probably just put more pressure on him. Really it's you who must decide if and how you want to proceed.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 June 2014):
 My son's father and stepmother just disowned him because he is marrying a girl that is not Jewish.
As a Jewish woman I was raised that I could only date Jewish boys... and I obeyed my parents. I would have NEVER expected a boy/man to convert for me. I never would have even asked. A true conversion to Judaism for a male involves circumcision even if he was circumcised as an infant he must be circumcised again and he MUST bleed. Asking a man to do that (I believe Muslim men also have to be circumcised) is far beyond what i believe is important.
IF religion is important TO YOU, then I suggest you end it with this guy since you should never have even put him in the position to tell you what you wanted to hear which is
"sure I'll convert if it will get me laid"
Accept that he's not going to be able to be what you want or need and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2014): People say all sorts of things meaning them at the time.
It's the actions you should watch.
Has he stopped consuming alcohol? Asked questions about your religion lifestyle to really show his intention to live like you? Has he ever set foot in a mosque or made an effort with the koran?
If none of the above then your taking his word at face value was naive.
He probably meant it when he said it but in future, pay less attention to what people say rather than what they do and you'll save yourself this kind of problem.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2014): If you love him so much why don't you convert and enjoy life with him. What makes your religion so superior to his that he has to convert? This looks to me like basic bullying of him. If I was in this situation I'd tell you to keep your religion and walk away.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (23 June 2014):
I think your boyfriend probably did believe he could convert for you when he said it, but is only now realising the huge implications of doing so. I am like him, in that I was raised in a Christian household but my family do not strongly practice Christianity in any real ways.Before reading your question, I too would have said I'd convert if it meant that much to my partner given the fact I am not particularly religious. But reading your question, it's clear that you are looking for someone to adopt your religion fully and believe in it as much as you do. For someone who doesn't really believe in religion, that is a HUGE ask.It's one thing to say you'll support your partner in their religion, it's quite another to give up alcohol, change eating habits and give up long standing family traditions like celebrating Christmas together. That would be difficult anyway, never mind for someone who doesn't really believe in it and is only doing it to keep their partner happy. You say you are looking for someone to find God with and help you relearn your faith, but he doesn't HAVE faith. That's the big issue that I think he's struggling with. He probably thought he'd become a Muslim and life would pretty much go on as it is, but he'd maybe have a different type of wedding ceremony and celebrate a few more religious holidays. Because that's the extent of religion in his life as it stands. Now he realises that you expect someone who will really practice your religion with you (which is totally fair enough), but if he can only do that if he truly believes in it himself. And sadly it doesn't sound like he does.I think these are the types of questions you need to ask him, and see if compromises can be reached on both sides. I will warn you though, I have never understood why someone would choose their religion over the person they love - to me religion should enhance your life, not make you miserable and cost you a loving relationship. I don't mean any disrespect by that, but he sounds a lot like me so don't be surprised if he's upset that you'd choose your faith over him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2014): Your boyfriend only said he would convert to be with you. He never intended to practice your religion, nor is he truly committed to Christianity. He just wanted you for his girlfriend. I surely don't think he ever intends to marry you; because that would require far too much of a drastic change in his lifestyle. Converting to another religion to date a person is a very high expectation to place on someone.
His parents are accepting of his choices in women regardless of their religious beliefs; because they know he is only dating. Not searching for a new religion. Not only that; but I think they would welcome and embrace anyone he brings into his life and cares about. Maybe even assuming you will convert.
Your life together would be you pulling him into something he really doesn't want. Your parents and extended-family will dislike and reject him. He will grow to resent your pressuring him to give up things for a religion he doesn't believe in. Your imam and the Muslim community will never accept your marriage, they would see through any deception.
He would refuse to practice Muslim rituals, and will most likely continue to consume alcohol. What kind of life would that be?
The relationship ends at this point. You are asking him to pretend to accept Islam, for the sake of fooling your parents and family into allowing him into your life. If you are a true believer of your religion; then you would know that you cannot fool God. God wants us to come to Him willingly, and of our own free will. We must change our hearts, not just our religion. He would be changing for you, not God.
You would be much better off to find yourself a man of your own faith. Someone who willingly practices your religion and loves you. You knew from the start, that it would come to this.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 June 2014):
 @ Dionee'- just for the record : a Muslim man CAN marry a Christian or Jewish woman, if he wants. Her conversion is appreciated of course, but not mandatory. A Muslim woman CANNOT marry a kitabi ( "people from the Book " : Christian or Jewish ). Only another Muslim.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2014): Your love is forbidden :( He clearly doesn't want to covert to something he doesn't believe in. If you really love him then you will have to start a new life together.
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A
female
reader, Dionee' +, writes (23 June 2014):
 I don't know, I just think its a bit much asking someone to convert and then almost just expecting it to happen.Let's think about if the roles were reversed . . . You would need a lot of time before actually making the decision. It's a life changing decision we're talking about here. Give him time. It was also mean him leaving Christianity which many people will find hard to do naturally. Infact that's with any religion for that matter.I know someone whose home is divided. Her father is muslim and her mother is Christian. She decided to be muslim as well while others in the home decided on Christianity. So the household is split. However none of them eat pork out of respect for the other. They make it work while being a part of two different religions. Both parents understand each religion and respect their partners choice. It was their choice to make, not their parents.Your relationship may come to compromise, a break up or him deciding to convert half hearted. It seems like you want the conversion. So what I suggest is consider your options and accept him, break up with him or accept that if he does convert he wouldn't be ready to give up pork etc anyway. In all honesty, you should just date and marry a muslim guy who is on the same page as you are rather than trying to convert an outsider because regardless, it will always pose a problem between the two of you even if he does convert.Stick to what you know because its what you will settle for at the end of the day.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 June 2014):
What do you mean " my parents told me explicitely that I have to marry a Muslim guy " ?? Your parents did not need to tell you anything !, if you were born and raised Muslim you KNOW already that a Muslim woman can only marry another Muslim, that's part of the religion same as abstaining from alcohol or other very important rules. For you marrying a kitabi is unthinkable, regardless of what your parents say.
It sounds that you feel as if you have been used, and that your bf was deceiptful when he promised he would convert , and just did it to convince you. But it is not necessarily so, changing religion is something very important, very delicate and very personal even for lukewarm believers of any denomination, probably he felt at the time he could do it just for love .then in time reality set in, and he realized all the implications, like that his family was going to be upset, that he was going to have to give up things he cares about, and ( most of all, hopefully ), that you don't change religion like you change a pair of socks, or to please your Gf, - changing religion is something momentous, that you do if you feel a spiritual call, if you are drawn to the new religion because you are convinced it responds better to your spiritual needs and represents better your moral values.
Please do not try to force him, influence him, or pressure him in any way ( I know you will not, but, just in case you are tempted ). Give him some more time to think about it, have him read books about Islam and its rituals and practices if possible.... but be prepared to accept that 99% of cases, this will NOT end as you want. I think you have been a bit too optimistic about the real difficulties of an interfaith marriage,particularly Christian - Muslim, and also you seem not too realize that maybe precisely because he is basically an agnostic ( not that bothered about ANY religion ) is what makes this impossible.You want someone to discover God with, to seek for God, to learn, or re-learn a religion with, and practice it together... then at least you need someone with a religious, spiritual, philosophical bent,- why a secular guy who lives perfectly happy without ANY particular religion, should accept strife, tension and dietary ( and sexual ) restrictions in the name of a God he does not believe in ?... being a Muslim is demanding and challenging, if your Bf , or ex bf, does not feel cut out for it, just respect his decision . After all, he did not ask YOU to become an Orthodox to show him you love him or to make his life easier.
If you are serious about building an observant Muslim family ( as I have no doubt you are )... then you need to play it safe, and only choose your potential partener among Muslim men- as you are supposed to do anyway. Counting on someone's willingness to convert , as you have seen, is a risky bet.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2014): You were hoping he'd regain YOUR faith with you. I think you should only date people who are already Muslims, otherwise you're risking this every time; you're not compatible and likely never will be.
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