A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm having a really hard time with my sister at the moment. We both live in the UK (and another sister) and our Mum lives abroad. I do a lot of theatre work (as a hobby) and a few months ago I landed a part in one of my favourite plays. It's one of my Mum's favourites too and when she heard I'd got a part she decided to take a trip to the UK for a couple of weeks so she could see it. When she plans a trip to the UK she normally spends time with all 3 daughters and travels between us as we don't live near each other.My show opens in 9 days time. A few days ago I had a call from my sister asking me to get Mum to cancel her trip. She doesn't want to accomodate Mum during her trip because she'll be undergoing IVF treatment and she doesn't feel she can cope with a visit from my Mum. She doesn't want to tell my Mum that she's having this treatment so she wants ME to come up with a reason to keep Mum away.I suggested that she simply tell Mum a little white lie and say that she and her husband had a holiday planned for those two weeks and that she won't be available. Me and our other sister can accomodate Mum for the duration. I can understand why she doesn't want Mum around at the time as our mother can be very trying. (Btw - Our Mum KNOWS my sister is planning IVF but hasn't been told the exact date of the treatment because she can get a bit overbearing.) I also explained that I couldn't think of a good "reason" to give to Mum to get her to cancel her trip so close to her travel dates. I can hardly say that I'm going on a trip when it's quite obvious that I'm not because I'm appearing in a play!However, telling a white lie is completely out of the question for my sister and she went off on a rant about how selfish I was being, that I had obviously played the "poor little me" sympathy card to get Mum to come and watch the play and that I should consider other people's feelings more because the world doesn't revolve around me. I hung up on her when she started saying that all amateur dramatics was crap anyway and wasn't worth seeing - mainly because I realised that there was nothing I could say to pacify my sister except "Yes, I'll get Mum to cancel the trip"What can I do? Should I get my Mum to cancel her trip? What reason could I possibly give? Should I tell my sister that it's her problem to sort out - even though she's going through a hard time at th moment and is very hormonal? Am I selfish for wanting my Mum to see me act - I don't EXPECT her to come and see every play I do. I just invited her because she loves the play but my sister has made me feel that I ask too much of my family Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (23 June 2014):
 You're not being selfish. If your sister thinks this isn't the best time for her to have your mum that's fair enough, but SHE should be the one to let her know (and she can offer whatever reason she likes). Why should that be on you?
Since you and, presumably, your other sister are fine splitting your mum's visit between yourselves, then do that.
I don't know why this is even an issue.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 June 2014):
 Well, if your Mom is usually such a handful to deal with, it would surely have been wiser, and more considerate, to consult with both sisters and make sure that this visit would not interfere with their plans too, so in that I can understand your sister's annoyance.
If your mother usually shares her time among all you sisters at your homes, and any of you needs to come up with a good ,solid reason for not having her as a guest, then yes, it would have been much better if you had checked about your sisters' schedules and plans before extending invitations. I think maybe this is the reason why your sister feels it is YOUR responsibility to take her out of this jam.
Said that, though, no, it's not really your responsibility .Your sister is an adult woman, if she is grown up enough to have IVF and become a parent herself, she must also be grown up enough to deal with normal, possible inconveniences and obstacles which may come up. I don't see why, for instance, she cannot just say the truth, and tell her sorry Mom, now it is not a good moment for you to visit me, I am busy with my IVF ( ... how overbearing can your mom be, from a safe distance ?).
If she prefers to keep it private , though, I understand, and she needs to come up with a white lie for HERSELF, not in general. You can help her come up with a convincing white lie if she is short of ideas, but she is the one who needs to deliver it ,because she is the one who unluckily has a problem being around her own mom without ample and official notice.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2014): I don't understand why it's your job to tell lies to your mum on your sister's behalf. I can understand that your sister is going through a very stressful time and won't be herself and I can understand that some parents can be hard work, but still.
I'd let your sister know that you're happy to let your mum know the truth. That is, she's going through IVF and doesn't want or can't face having your mum stay with her. If your sister isn't happy with that, then it's up to her to sort out her own story and let her mum know directly.
I don't see any reason for your mum to cancel her holiday, she still gets to see her other two daughters.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2014): You tell your sister "I sympathise with you because you're going through a very stressful situation, but I will NOT cancel our mother when we can just agree on a reason why she can't visit you." Think of some white lies, give her the options and tell her to pick. If she can't/won't, you pick one and tell her it's final; that's what you'll tell your mum and it's up to your sister to think of details if she asked because you and your other sister (the available one) will just say the basic "this is all I know" once you've decided in the excuse.
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