A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has an exgirlfriend that lives thousands of miles away. He has met her teenage girls a handful of times, but says he loves them like they were his own children. In the past he has sent them large checks ($1000 or more) and extravagent presents. I have always told him I had an issue with this and didnt think it was right. We have been together for 2 years, up and down, and have recently been more serious, looking at houses together and such. I told him that I could not tolerate the continuation of these gifts and would not stick around if they continued. I suggested a compromise of sending them each $50 wich I thought was still a generous gift. He told me that it was none of my business, it is his money and he can do whatever he wants with it. He sent the check and now seems surprized that my reaction is to say we no longer have a future together. We can date casually, but marriage, kids and a home together are no longer an option. We are both hurt and angry at each others behavior. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.
View related questions:
ex girlfriend, his ex, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (12 May 2007):
 What so many people on here seem to be missing is HE IS NOT THEIR EX STEPDAD!!! HE HAS ONLY MET THEM A COUPLE OF TIMES!!!! He dated the Mom before the kids were born. They live 3000 miles away and he has only seen them in person a handful of times. He sends money both to the ex and to the kids!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2007): Hi, I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I am with a guy right now who lived with his previous girlfriend and her 2 daughters from a previous relationship. He mentions that he wants to do anything to provide for them, and wants to spend any free time with them. He always says that they are "his kids". and that he has to do everything for them. I have never had kids of my own, so its heartbreaking to watch them (though I am included in their activities) and when they mention their mom and what my bf used to do it is awkward to listen to. The one time i went with him to drop them off at their mom's place, I felt like I was intruding in on their "family" time. Maybe I would not feel so bad if I had children of my own. It is that connection with his ex that makes me uncomfortable. Especially when he calls her to explain her kids issues with school or whatever. Even taking them to the doctor. I know he has a good heart, but I can't help feeling like an outsider. He would never understand that feeling unless it has happened to him.
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (13 April 2007):
 This man that you love says that he loves and regards these girls as his children. He has a relationship with them that is independant of his relationship with his ex - as most child support issues are. He has emotional ties to these girls. You are new to the relationship that he has with these girls, but you have decided what he needs to do and to correct in his thinking, feeling and spending associated with the girls as their ex-step-father. I am going to suggest something different to you. This man sounds like a lovely, caring, responsible man. He really loves these girls and it would be a shame for him to lose that because of money. They may be the first children he has loved as his own. This is not for you to judge. You may have issues with these young people, maybe you think he is spoiling them, but He is reaching out to hold on to a tie that is IMPORTANT to him and THAT is a different issue. If he wants to be a parental figure, you should really try to support him in this. If you interfere in this, it will always be an issue and he may never forgive you. Sometimes - it's not about the money. Sometimes, the money just is there to keep supporting those that we love and want to succeed. If he has the means, and it sounds like he has, try to let him support the things that he believes in and that are important to him. This doesn't diminish you OR your importance to him. This proves to him that you suport him in his beliefs and his decisions, and that You love him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2007): i think that far from being anoyed with him for giving money to the children you should respect him for doing so, my dad never gave my mother any childs money and i no it is a slightly different situation but i think you should be able to see that he is responsable enough to provide money for the children, this is no reason to break up with a man whom you reali like, if you feel you cannot be with him knowing that he is giving money to the teenagers then you should move on, if not then i think you should give the relationship another chance, you do not have to take my advice it is just what i think
...............................
A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (12 April 2007):
 My sister is in a relationship with a guy who has always regarded his ex-girlfriend's daughters as his own, and who helped them pay school expenses and stuff while they were growing up. My sister was not thrilled with this, but recognized that these girls had lived with him when they were little and looked on him as a father figure.
Mistake #1 in dealing with a guy is to threaten him that you will leave unless he does (or doesn't do) something ... doesn't matter what it is. My instinctive reaction under those circumstances is to just say "goodbye." Guys in general don't respond well to ultimatums that involve the woman threatening to leave. It's just not a good idea to do that ... it's too manipulative. Better just to break up clean than to try that.
He was probably quite insensitive in not taking your feelings into account in making his decision, but it's hard to judge the whole situation without knowing the nature of the relationship between those girls and your guy. Perhaps there was something in that relationship that made it a matter of conscience for him to send that money.
Now you've got to decide what to do next. I don't think that dating casually is really an option for you two. You've been too close for too long for that to work. I think you are either going to have to take him back or move on to a new relationship. Your call.
...............................
A
female
reader, maria14r +, writes (12 April 2007):
how long has he known those kids? if he's known them a long time then yea he could feel like they are his but if not then he cant let go of his ex. $1000 is too much for kids.
...............................
|
