A
male
age
,
*o fool like an old fool
writes:Thirty five years ago I had a girlfriend who I was besotted by, but things didn't quite turn out the way I wanted and she married someone else. I never thought I would meet anyone who could make me feel that way again, so I married my next girlfriend on the rebound, and we have now been married just over thirty years. My wife is a good woman, she's been a loyal partner, a great mother, and we get along pretty well. There is no longer any intimacy in our marriage, I moved out of our bedroom over ten years ago, and there is no romantic affection, only friendship between us. A few months ago, at the age of 54, I met a woman who makes me feel 'that way' again. We have a wonderful time together, we have so much in common, and I would like it to be much more. I've made my feelings known, and she says she feels the same way, but she refuses to get too involved with a married man. We'd go on dates, but that's as far as it went. Her view is that my wife doesn't deserve that, and I know she's right. She told me all along that she thought I should be honest with my wife. Recently she explained that she no longer wanted to see me as she felt that even though we weren't really having an affair she was still hurting another person and that went against her beliefs, and it was causing her pain to know we couldn't be together. I feel responsible for my wife, that I owe it to her to stay for the duration. I am afraid that our childen, (who are all adults), would resent me if I suddenly anounced after thirty years of marriage, that I wanted to be free to pursue romance. I am also afraid that if I was with the other woman that things might not work out and I would be left alone. I have tried to put her out of my mind, but I can't stop thinking about her, and wondering whether we really would have been happy. I have had two affairs during my marriage, both went for quite some time, and I know that was selfish of me but I was desperate for some affection, not just sex. I really don't know what to do. Anyone been there?
View related questions:
affair, married man, moved out Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2009): I feel that life is to short not to be HAPPY..
So if you are in love, do it the right way and NO one will get hurt.
A
male
reader, In_Dog_House  +, writes (1 July 2009):
I don't normally reply to these, but my situation is very similar to yours. In the end no one will guide you in the best way - its up to you, and you have to make the tough decision(s). People like us are bound to get very critical responses on a site like DearCupid - it goes with the territory, but "doing nothing" is not an option. Some people stay married out of duty or fear of being alone, or financially stuck, and you see them walking mournfully round together. The love bond was probably never strong enough in the first place and you can't force someone to suddenly "be in love" again. If you have an option now that you believe will give you a better happier life, take it. In the long run its fairer on you and your wife. If you want to communicate privately that would be good. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009): you say that you don't really know what to do. i am not going to be all sympathic although i know that is what you are hoping.
please give yourself a big violent shake. time to snap out of your self pity world. the world doesn't owe you anything. you have had it so good for 30 years and you have got away with murder. you are doing with this woman what you have done with the 2 others. your AFFAIRS are what, just sexual release? starving of love and affections at home? you play the dutiful hb but do the dirty deed with others. best of both worlds havn't you?
your are such a selfish sod, you want this affair with this other woman but want to hang on to your wife just in case the affair doesn't pan out the way you want it. for someone mature , 54 years, you are somewhat naive and childish. why not just take the plunge and divorce your wife. why use her for stability, why rob here of her life still. you are so used to getting and doing your own thing that now when you meet a decent woman who doesn't want an affair with a married man , you still want to keep your options open. you will never change your ways, you will still remain married to your unsuspecting wife and you will also enjoy the benefits of other woman. watch out your greed is getting the better of you. you are so scared to be alone in your old age that you will selfishly hold on to the innocent. its all about you. have you ever done an unselfish act in your entire life.
strange how your rebound marriage lasted 30 years, if it didn't have 80% of the traits of marriage it would have ended years ago. for 30 years your wife has stood by dutifully, loyally and exclusively. you have enjoyed 30 years of her love and committment, of the solidity of marriage, and now you say there is nothing. there is no intimacy becasue you have chosen this route. it justifies your affairs. you did not work at your marriage, the love and affection, well you just let it slip away becase you did not want it from your wife. you were enjoying it with other women. what do you contribute in your marriage anyway? i am sure your wife would be better of without a false hb in any even. yes she will miss her so called friend but she will continue to survive. she actually is much stronger than you. your fear of loneliness is what is driving you. you have doubts about the sustainability with this new woman therefore you want your wife around so that your old age is not spent alone. your wife is your plan B. for 30 years she has been your plan B. time to have some balls and release her. you have made your bed with your decisions yhus far, well its time to be man enough to move on.
you know that your biggest fear is a reality. you know that you will be spending many a lonely day during your golden years.
...............................
A
female
reader, help!!! +, writes (1 July 2009):
It's time for you to really feel true love. I am sure it wouldn't come as a surprise to your wife as you no longer act like lovers but just friends. This is not fair for either of you. Your children are all grown up and I am sure they'll understand. This is your life and it's one only. It would be a shame to let love die again. You are a mature man. You can't live life wondering what if. You have to go out there and look for the love and romance you are obviously longing for.
If you don't do this you'll spend the rest of life wondering what would have been if you had acted on your feelings. And to honest that sounds like a miserable life.
Regarding the affairs, I don't blame you because of your situation. You are human and you need affection. It's time for you to take care of yourself. Ask yourself what you really want, and follow your heart.
...............................
|
