A
female
age
30-35,
*eather17
writes:hi, im heatheri jus turned 17 on monday. and ive been off and on with this guy who has jus turned 21 a few days before me since christmas.theres a few things that are really bothering me 7 i would jus likwe some insight on why hes treating me like this... we have had sex one time. i wasnt a virgin but it really really hurt so i kept telling him to stop. he got really frustrated. hes a very sexual person and asks about it all the time. he makes me feel really bad if i dont want to have sex or send him sexy pictures. he says that since he is my boyfriend, he should get to do whatever he wants.we broke up for a few weeks. no contact. and he called me last night to apologize. but that quickly turned. he started accusing me of being with another guy and kept asking me extremely inappropriate and graphic questions about his own delusional thoughts on what i might have done during our break. he called me a whore and demanded to know who i kissed and every detail of the night. i admitted to kissing one guy who was 19. he says i "turned into a slut".constantly he thinks im with other guys. i could be sitting alone in my room and he swears he hears a guy and he freaks out. he says im never allowed to talk another guy ever.he has to "approve" what i wear to school and gets very upset if its not something he likes. if i try to look good even a little he accuses me of wanting attention.i will say im hanging out with friends and automatically he assumes its a party. if i dont answer his phone call, he goes crazy and accuses me of sleeping with other guys.he calls me stupid. everything i say is wrong. im never allowed to laugh because its "disrespectful" to him. hes never put his hands on me but im starting to get scared and emotionally drained. i feel like i cnt let go though.... please someone help. why is he doing th to me. how do i let go? i need help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2011): I was in a relationship like this. Trust me it only gets worse. I was with him for two years. He was a terrible person just like the guy you are describing. I didn't want to be with him anymore and that's when he started really acting crazy. He ended up pulling a knife out on me the night we broke up. I have never run so fast in my whole life. If someone else hadn't been there I don't know what would have happened. Please don't let it get this far. Don't ever let anyone treat you like this. Get away from him! He is a toxic A hole. Run. If he gives you more problems then call the police, tell your parents, a teacher. He is a dangerous person. There are men out there that will never ever treat you like this. Trust me I am with one right now. Please get out honey. Please. Best wishes to you.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 April 2011):
 1. He treats you the way he does because he is a sick bastard.
2. You LET him treat you this way, which gives him a "green" light thinking it's OK behavior.
YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF HOW PEOPLE TREAT YOU.
3. STOP talking to this guy, end it and be DONE with him. Don't let him suck you back in, it will only escalate his behavior.
4. TALK to an adult (not calling you a child) but they need to know this is going on. If he Keeps trying to contact you, file a restraining order.
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female
reader, sly897 +, writes (14 April 2011):
 Heather I was 18 when I married my husband who was so sweet. After we were married the verbal abuse bagan. He tore me down called me a moron, he cheated on me numerous times. I didn't have friends. He even tried to keep me from my mom. I was strong enough to fight back but I stayed married to him for 20 years. I have studied psycology especially child abuse. The office who adressed you and explained grooming is common in all types of abuse. In 20 years he never laid a hand on me but he took what I was worth. I finally realized who he was and left him. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. I learned I am smart, beautiful and funny as well as compassionate. You are only 17 and you have a whole life ahead of you don't throw it away like I did.
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male
reader, macdubh712 +, writes (14 April 2011):
heather17, I'm assuming your name is actually Heather so I will call you so. It's close enough to your screen name to do so. Listen to me, and listen good, please. I was a Police Officer for 3 years in the US so I have seen more than my fair share of abusers. I've arrested many and I have fought some. Not only this, but when I was at the academy we got a lot of instruction on Domestic Violence so I am familiar with the entire topic even though I never experienced it in my home growing up. My point is, this guy is an abuser and Cerberus Raphael is right; you need to leave his a** in the dust and never look back before you are way too deep in this situation. Everything you described about his comments towards you: demanding to know what happened while you briefly split up then telling you that you "turned into a slut" for simply kissing a guy once or not allowing you to laugh because it is disrespectful to him. Honey, this is called "grooming." He is grooming you and by that I mean that he is tearing down your self-esteem RIGHT NOW; this is causing you to doubt yourself as a person and this is what he wants. You probably wouldn't have posted this otherwise. He wants you to not believe in yourself, thus becoming dependent on him. You need to believe in YOU. When you get to the point where you feel dependent on him he WILL isolate you from your family and friends. Mind you, he may use any means to isolate you from your friends. He is a manipulator and he will not only manipulate you but also your loved ones. He may even pit you against your loved ones or vice versa so as to alienate you from them or vice versa. This is all part of the grooming process. Once you are isolated from your loved ones, rest assured the PHYSICAL ABUSE WILL START. I could probably guess that he may already be doing things like acting like he is going to hit you quickly but not doing so. You know, something that would make you flinch, maybe? Heather, once he starts putting his hands on you it will be a long drawn out CYCLE. Police Officers know it as the cycle of violence. In the first phase is where the verbal and emotional abuse happens...I think we called it the building phase. This is where tension mounts because of things that you "do wrong," according to him. Once the tension mounts past a certain point, he will explode, or physically abuse you probably resulting in injury to yourself. Once this explosion occurs and things simmer down, the Honeymoon phase will begin. He will be sorry, apologetic, and probably be the best man around for a little while. After a little while, this phase will wear off and you will go back to the building phase. Do you see how this is a cycle? Another thing. The amount of time between each phase will decrease as the violence gets worse. As Police Officers, we know this as the Cycle of Violence Continuum. It's the idea that the type of violence increases while the amount of time between each phase decreases. The Continuum also states that the only way this cycle can stop is for one or both parties to be removed from the cycle. This can occur in a few ways. One, you dump him and move on. Two, you are killed. Three, he is killed. Four, you both are killed. Allow me to translate the last three...Two, you are killed - He kills you. Think about it. If the cycle gets smaller and smaller while the violence worsens, isnt' death the ultimate end if no steps are taken to break this cycle? Three, he is killed - This could happen because you are defending yourself against fear of imminent peril and in the course of doing so he perishes. Or it could happen because the police are called and during the call he gives them reason to defend themselves against imminent peril. Four, you both are killed - Murder/Suicide. It happens more often than you think and it sure isn't a Romeo and Juliet ending. Again, this is a law enforcement prospective on this but it is the real deal. You have to seperate yourself from this guy and you need to do whatever steps you need to do to protect yourself from him. You might not be far enough into the relationship right now, but seperation violence can be the most dangerous type. It happens because you take back control of you from him. He has a total loss of control over you and he can't live with himself knowing this so he resorts to whatever means he can to either get you back or make it so that no one else can have you. Why am I telling you this when you aren't even living with him yet? Because I don't want you to get to the point that I have described above. You can avoid this. Please, take care of yourself. One more thing. The Cycle of Violence Continuum also says that even if a victim removes themselves from one cycle, if they don't get help after the ordeal through some venue then they are more likely to find another abuser. When you get out of this take measure of what happened and try to learn from it. Realize that you are not a bad person; he is. Even if it is not his fault he is still bad. He knows right from wrong now and he knows he is wrong. Good luck with this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2011): The reason he does these things is because he is a classic abuser. He wants to gain absolute control over you and break you down till all that's left of you is a billion and one shattered pieces. Abusers gain some type of sick satisfaction from controlling others and right now you are feeding his desires. But honestly the reason why he acts the way he acts is neither here nor there. What matters is that you are letting him treat you terribly and it needs to stop. You need to get out of this relationship now and never ever look back. The cycles and patterns of abusers are the same. It starts off with harsh words, then a slap here a shove there until it moves to all out physical violence. He keeps pushing your boundaries because everytime he has ill treated you, you have stayed and thus indirectly told him that his behavior is fine and acceptable. Stop the cycle by leaving him. 17 is pretty young, reach out to your family and trusted friends for support. Cut off all contact with him on all mediums. Don't accept calls, texts, letters, email or even smoke signals. Get as far away from him as you possibly can. Then throw yourself into focusing on school, hobbies and more important things than some abuser who shows you no respect. Just get out and make every effort to stay out. You will not regret it. CYou are young and have a long road ahead of you. This man is not the be all and end all of relationships. You deserve better but the only way to get that is to leave him.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (14 April 2011):
 You break up with him and you never look back. If you do, he will try to draw you in. Abusive people know how to manipulate and you have to escape it now while it is still relatively easier than it would be later on. Those painful words will one day turn into painful wounds if you do not leave him now, you don't need this. Whatever he is doing to draw you in, it isn't worth the hell you will go through if you continue this sordid little game he calls a 'relationship'. But that is all it ever is to an abuser, a game. He will push you to your limits and try to draw you back in, so just stop this cycle and leave him. Don't cry about it, don't think about it, just do it and thank yourself later.
I hope that helps.
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