A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ive got 2 questionsIve been with my boyfriend 2 1/2 years who works in a hospital,where there are lots of female workers.He says he wants to make new friends, I know he chats to these women at work,which is harmless,because I know he loves me.However he always keeps it a secret if he gives out his number to any of them and texts them.Why doesn't he ever tell me,I know that its harmlessIm not thinking of ending it because he hasnt done anything bad he hasn't cheated,but I just can't understand why he won't tell me about these new friends.I don't mind if he wants new friends!Another quick question, At the start of our relationship he used to give me compliments and call me sexy but now he never bothers.I found out that he had gave a compliment on friendsreunited.com to this girl he used to go to school with,and said "You look great in your pic" when I asked him why he said that to her and not me he said because she used to have braces and glasses.Then I found a text on his phone that he'd sent to a girl saying "I like your new hairstyle".He said he doesn't give me compliments because he thinks I know that he thinks Im beautiful.I still like him to say it though it makes me feel better about myselfDoes anyone elses boyfriends still give them compliments after a few years together??
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female
reader, MiamiChula  +, writes (17 May 2008):
 If I were you, I would question him. I've been through the whole cheat-via-net and phone scheme with my guy. I'm still with him because I know how to play the game. He's dumb to think I don't have my ways of finding crap out. Also his sister keeps me informed (she uses his cell sometimes and so do I, solamente for the purpose of screening texts). Confront him and have him look you straight in the eyes and tell you he has no intention of cheating. If his body language shows a level of uncomfortable stance, then BINGO there's your answer. He is on the prowl for something more. In the event this happens...fight fire with fire! He will get burned and you will come out on top. You deserve to be complimented and treated as a girlfriend not a toy. Let him know. Key word here=COMMUNICATE...read between the lines! Good luck mama!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2007): He is flirting with other women. It hurts you, if he cared about you, he would stop. If he doesn't stop, he doesnt care about you as much as you thought, and you should re-evaluate your decision to stay with him.
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (20 July 2007):
 This is very interesting. First, relationships are a game, like life in general. The rules get blurry very easily. There are many things we do or say when single that are fine but become sketchy when we're in a relationship. Compliments are one of those things.
I think many women would be somewhat shocked and let down if they knew what many men actually thought. As an example, here's a thought that would almost never cross a mans mind....."if I have sex with her it will be awkward because she's a friend. I don't want to jeopardize the friendship"....Guys will risk it and deal with the consequences. Another thing. I have some great male friends. I also have an attractive wife. Some I would trust more than others. One thing for sure, although I hope they respect our friendship enough that they would never try to do anything behind my back, I'd bet my last dollar they've thought about my wife sexually. That doesn't surprise/bother me and I don't dwell on it. As a man, I understand it's just the nature of the beast.
Men see an opportunity and then the blinders go on. I'm speaking about single men or those who are married and cheat. A decent married man will still feel the attraction/urge but will operate within his boundaries. Boundaries are VERY important. They set the guide line for what we call flirting. They need to be there though because flirting IS dangerous. WE all do it to some extent but there are so many factors that determine the risks of flirting.
The risks of flirting depend on the strength of your marriage. I agree with DJ8433, that if your guy compliments other women, he's getting a pay off. The pay off is how they react to him. If they blush, smile or hang around for more compliments, they're enjoying his efforts. This validates him. It's a game. If both people involved are in strong relationships, it just runs of the back of the person being complimented. If there is a crack in the marriage/relationship foundation, trouble could be around the corner. People like people who make them feel good. If you're not getting that at home, you'll go to where you can get it.
That is what I call the slippery slope. Before you know it, you're preparing yourself for work, trying to look your best because the person you flirt with is there. In reality that is the time you should be trying to put a new spark into the marriage/relationship.
In the end, men ARE different when it comes to sex. We are taught and built to hunt. Women are the opposite, in most cases. Compliments are just one of the tools we use when we're trying to entice a woman to come our way. That sounds shallow, but in fact, women like it. On the other hand, delivery is everything and women aren't stupid. There is a certain level of decency required as well.
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (20 July 2007):
My bf stoped giving me heaps of compliments quite early in our relationship and like you, it really upset me, made me feel un loved and gave me all these doubts in whether or not he was still interested in me!
However, I told him how I feel and like your bf, he said he thinks I should already know he thinks I'm beautiful, therefor doesnt need to say it much at all. I just stressed the point of how important it was to me for him to tel me that to my face and after he realised how important it was, he started saying those sorts of things again a fair bit. So I suggest talking to your bf about this, and stress how important it is to you.
As for your bf saying those sorts of things to other females, I'm not going to make excuses for him. Tell him how it makes you feel. He needs to know. Honestly males just dont think straght sometimes. And in general a lot of epople just dont think about how their actions will affect others and it looks to me like this is what your may be doing. Hopefuly if he understands that his complimenting to other females upsets you then he will stop.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2007): I've been with my boyfriend 2 years and 3 months, we're both 17. We really do love each other and do tell each other regularaly like in a phone call at the end we'll say 'I love you..bye' and just on the spur of the moment, it's because I like to hear it :).On the compliments thing he does still give me compliments. If we're cuddling and then I get in a huff about something [probably something stupid] he'll say 'You know I think your beautiful' and similar things to that. He doesn't give me as many as when we first started going out but he still gives them enough to make me feel special.You should tell him you know he thinks your beautiful but sometimes it's just better to hear it. Personally I don't like my boyfriend texting girls/ringing etc etc and he doesn't he's very nice like that because he knows how insecure I am.In your boyfriends defence he was saying the girl looked great because she'd obviously gotten more attractive and he wasn't saying 'WOW YOUR HOT I'D LOVE TO MEET UP' and the girls hairstyle was nice is nothing really. But I wouldn't like my boyfriend to do that.
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A
female
reader, bemused +, writes (19 July 2007):
 Well I will add my two cents worth...many many replies on this one. To my mind this does not look good...full stop. I think it is one thing when a man and woman are friends and both are single at the time. A whole other realm is entered when one of the people is paired up as your boyfriend is wirh you. Personally I have a couple of male friends who are married but in converstion with them I make frequent references to their wives and have have even been asked over for dinner and the couple are friends of mine. I agree with Irish 49 that men have a tendency to sexualize women and often...in the heart of a so called friendship is often a hidden agenda. If there is another partner involved there could be heartache here. You are young and from your post you sound fairly intelligent. I also read between the lines from your post and your worry and anxiety jumped out from between the line. My question is that a relationship is supposed to bring you fun and happiness...paticularly at this age. Do you need this pain? You have invested two years but if you did leave you might....find someone who will appreciate you. Hope this helps hun
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2007): There is one thing that makes me question your boyfriend and that is that he doesn't compliment you too.
I say that because, if he were complimenting women innocently because he was just being friendly, and because he understood women to a degree that he knows how much the occasional compliment can make their day then he would also understand you better, and know that you, as his girlfriend, should always get the most attention from him.
I think for this reason, that he has become lazy in complimenting you, that maybe there is an issue. I don't think it is necessarily a thing to big thing to worry about, but you should do something about it in reminding him that he should always naturally, without having to think about it, want to complement you, for you are his girlfriend, his one special person.
I'm not saying men shouldn't complement women. I have a very good mixture of friends and have lots of friendships with women and if I happen to notice they have done something nice with their look or are wearing something nice then I'll probably make a comment saying they look particularly good. But that said, my girlfriend would never feel threatened by that because I make sure that she knows I only have eyes for her.
Men can sometimes become lazy and forget that it is sometimes just the little things of appreciating their partners beauty, and uniqueness, that keeps that women's passion and love burning.
Give your boyfriend a chance to change because all men at some point in their life have made this make and become content with their partners... women make the same mistakes too.
I'm sure you know better than anyone on here the difference between a genuine mistake and lapse of judgement and a eroding behaviour that warrents concern and a belief that he doesn't care for you like he used to.
All the best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2007): I just recently confirmed that my wife was doing this to me. She has confessed that she did have an affair, but it was only a kiss so she says. This started with a co-worker of hers. They started talking, texting, etc ... I know him as I used to work with him, he is a manwhore, and all he does is see how many women he can sleep with. Be careful. Chances are, he is already cheating on you .. you just dont know it yet ..
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female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (19 July 2007):
 Besides.. I dont know about you guys but when I'm with someone and I'm interested in that person the thought of playing games with other people doesnt even cross my mind. As for the ego driven business... these people who need validation from others are so likely to get distracted by other through their life, no matter what their situation at home. I think they will only learn the hard way and that's also you not putting up with it.
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female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (19 July 2007):
Reading all these replies is very reassuring to me, and I agree 110% with Irish49. I think you should go in definite stepts from here on tell him everythign that makes you feel uncomfortable with him and why, and request from him an honest appraisal of your relationship, in his eyes. I also think you should underline to him that you have boundaries too and there's a world out there for you too, but you are giving him the benefit of the doubt and are proactive by airing your problems with your relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2007): Wow, what a good potpourri of advice here. I agree with some. Others, I don't. The female anon, below likely hit the nail on the head the most, relating her own experience. Sadly, she knows the reality of what 'could' happen. I strongly feel you have to reset your standards about what you will put up with in this relationship. I don't know your bf but it does appear you have a sociable bf who likes talking to women at work. Fine. Good. However, he gives them his number and he text messages them. Why is he giving them out his number? Plainly he is ego-driven and loves attention. Now, he has stopped complimenting you. How many more red flags have to wave here, before you see you might have a problem. Sheesh!
Many of the below posters are stating 'you have to trust'. Well, no you don't. Trust is always earned by consistant, loving, actions, throughout the 'entire' life of a relationship. It's a constant. Has he earned that. lately. Keeping secrets is in fact, a deception thus shaking your trust in him. Just because you 'have' trusted him in the past, doesn't mean you continue to be blinded to deceptive behaviors that concern you. I mean ..let's use our heads here, people.
Your letter brings up that age old question-can a man be just friends with other women? Possibly but not probable. A lot of men are hardwired to sexualize females so entering into friendships with females, has been undoubtably proven, that many guys do have 'hidden agendas'. I will say this to you..it takes a very confident, trusting, open minded partner in your relationship..to 'not' be a bit intimidated by your bf's actions. The reality is..when women are having a friendship with a male, the chances are he's not looking for friendly chit chat. And even worse, he is hiding all this from you. What is that telling you? It will be matter of time and one of these work mates will show him an inappropriate amount of attention and then what?
My most honest, opinion? Most men would rather have sex than cuddle and do the friendly chit-chat stuff with a woman. Let's hope the women he texts from work, keep all this perspective. Tell him you want to meet these women. Tell him 'his friends are your friends'. Out of respect for you he should get proactive and involve you in these friendships, so you can gauge reactions and interations between them all. Maybe that's all you need. Like I said..it's possible for the opposite sexes to be friends, if they can steer clear of the all the other possibilities. You know your bf best, is he the type keep these friendships platonic? Just my opinion on this subject-take it or leave it, hun and the best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (19 July 2007):
 Why doesn't he have any male friends? Then it would be no big deal. So let's look at the facts: He stopped complimenting you and acting interested. He's "friends" with other women and seems generous with his praise. He's secretive. I smell trouble. I would invest more in the relationship, it can't hurt. Maybe DJ8433 is right. Fluff him up for awhile and see if his interest in your returns. Also, I would talk to him about why he doesn't seem to have as many male friendships and let him know that you trust him, but it could become a problem. P.S. How would he like it if you had that many male friends and were always texting them and telling them they were hot...? Hmmm...I wonder? Keep your eyes open. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, _Edward_ +, writes (19 July 2007):
 Well…he could be just making friends. Ask your self, if you were sending texts to the guys at work, and you had a boyfriend at home that loves you and you love him back, what would you be saying to the guys at work, would you be cheating?
Maybe your boyfriend is just making a new friend that’s all, so he has some female friends, I’m sure you have some male friends.
Well I hope everything will work out for you... =D
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2007): My ex-boyfriend was doing that, made me very upset. I had every right to get upset because eventually I found out he was sleeping with them too! It doesn't look good to me.
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A
female
reader, blissxixta  +, writes (19 July 2007):
 Hi girl...How yo doin lately?....Listen girl every guy keeps it secret when complementing other girls ...only few of them speak out! maybe your man might have studied your reactions to such attitude that may make him look or sound secretive. Anyway i want you to understand this that loving a man and your realtionship should be based on TRUST....if ouu want him to complement you maybe you should start telling him that how good he look on his new haircut...or something ....season your speech with plesantness and before you know he will tell ouu same. Guys are very jealous at times when their women complement other guys ...so maybe you should start doing so but NEVER make it secretive ...let him see you say to guy ...i love your shirt ....look good on you...that should make him stop and think ....let see what happen afterward.....My boyfriend react to such things so before i know it he is always asking me do u like my haircut? i just did it!...well got to go now u take it easy ..am sure he still loves and make sure u keep yr relationship tight!ALRIIIGHT?BLISSXIXTA
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A
male
reader, DJ8433 +, writes (19 July 2007):
 He pays them compliments because it makes him feel good. Their response is what strokes his ego. Are you stroking his ego or moaning about him not paying you compliments? Do you compliment him? Do you treat him like a King? In order to be treated like a Queen, you have to treat him like a King. It's normal for things to fade in a relationship, but what are you doing to keep it alive. It's a womans world, if you won't give him what he needs, guess what, there's 60 million more women in the UK that he has to choose from, and it looks like he's getting attention from them. The option for you is there are 60 million more men in the UK. What do you want? If you're interested, check out my website
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female
reader, sxcbabiegal +, writes (19 July 2007):
 this is exactly the same problem i have with my boyfriend. you just have to tell him how you feel hun don't hold back what you feel.. tell him your worried and that you don't feel confident in yourself because he's not complimenting you anymore if he doesn't stop. start to play his game text male collegeues or friends of yours and compliment them! then if he still doesnt stop hes not worth it so just leave him it's his loss not yours
jodie xx
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female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (19 July 2007):
Jeez you have almost the same dilemma that i;d had! I tested my ex bf with texts from a mistery admirer and he was up for it.. eventually i ended the relationship- you can check my question to see the feedback that ive got. Bu tim i nterested what others would think abou tyour case. IMO i too would be a bit worried about him doing that if I were you. I am baffled as well by the bit, why doesnt he tell you even if it's harmless. drawind from my experience, i am tempted to say he is straying away. BUt thats just me! I'm gona keep an eye on your question to see what others think about it.
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