A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:so I was in a relationship with my best friend for almost 4 months, in which it was beginning to get pretty serious. about 3 weeks ago we got in a fight because I "flipped out" on him but it was a huge whole misunderstanding.. and from then on we have not been cool. a mutual friend told me he was going to break up with me, so then i broke up with him before he could. Weve been talking here and there but it sounds like theres no hope for us getting back together. He says he doesnt know now if he wants to be in a relationship and he needs his space and time. So the plan is were gunna wait a couple weeks to think about what we really want and then talk about it. the thing is is I WANT TO BE with him.. and theres nothing I can do about it but sit here and wait for basically a verdict and it hurts. He says he loves me very much he just doesnt know if he wants to be in a relationship now cuz he doesnt feel the same about them anymore. I dont know what to do. I just recently talked to him and he asked me how i was doing and asked him how he was and he said that hes trying to completely focus on himself, improving and bettering himself. I dont know if thats a subtle hint in trying to tell me he doesnt want to get back together. This is all just soo random and its unfair cause what we broke up over was something literally SOOOOO dumb and it wasnt even that big of a deal.what should i do? should I wait till he sees what he truly wants? he says he doesnt want to force it cuz he thinks itd be awkward so he just want it to naturally happen .. which basically means i have to wait around still anyways.I love him very much... i dont want to give up on this though cause he is very important to me. i still cry about this every day.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys!! The reason why I thought the fight was dumb was because I was hanging out with some people and 1 of them was his friends(in which he has no problem with who i hang out with) and he texted his friend and told him to ditch us.... which means including me. Keep in mind that I barely ever get to see him because both of busy schedules and the fact that I dont necessarily live close to him and I happened to literally be like 3 mins away from him that night. To me that was a huge slap in the face. Its like why couldnt he have asked me to hang out with him? his excuse was that "he wanted a guys night and he wanted time so he could miss me instead of dread" like are you serious? thats bullshit... all my friends though that was beyond messed up of him and were telling a whole bunch of things, about how I should break up with blah blah blah. I than texted him, very mean things to him... i said fuck you...and i called him shady as fuck...and a whole bunch of mean things. I know I shouldnt have but i was drunk and pissed off. and THAT was how the whole thing started. I know its more than that though...i feel like he was using that as an excuse to want to break up with me because previous weeks to that he was acting sooo different and distance...i just knew something was up. and this "mutual" friend im talking about is his absolute best friend... so i trust the source. I broke up with him because he said he wanted space and time....uhh no im not gunna sit here and wait for you to decide if you want to be with me or not..you either do or you dont. i though it was complete bullshit. i guess its a pride thing.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (23 February 2011):
There are three major issues here, that in my opinion make your relationship unworkable.
1 - He is seriously looking at his own life, and is very much hinting that he wants to be alone to work on himself. That means that even if you did get back together, there is a huge chance that it would end a little further down the line because his itch to live his own life would come back. He's also keeping you waiting, which is somewhat selfish on his part, and leads me to suspect that you are more like a spare tyre to him than an actual girlfriend. You sound very expendable to him.
2 - I think if there was a chance at fixing this, you blew it out the water the moment you dumped him. It was a very bad reaction of you to listen to a mutual friend, and then dump the man you 'love' to prevent him from doing it first. You had no evidence that he was going to dump you, and you took the easy way out rather than talk to him sensibly about what had happened. You claim what happened was dumb - but it was serious enough that he was angry with you. So to him, this was major. You cannot EVER afford to play those sorts of games. And what you did, was play a game. You listened to a friend, not him. You then dumped him so 'he couldn't get there first'. What has that achieved? Nothing. In fact, you've probably ended this yourself. You said you didn't want to give up - but you did the moment you dumped him.
3 - At 4 months, you should not have broken up this badly if you were both that committed/interested in each other. That's clearly a sign that you are not good together as a couple.
I think overall, this has been a mess. I think when you needed to be talking and apologizing to each other for what happened, you decided to take the easier way out and dump him. I don't think that's truly a sign of someone who is ready for a relationship. I also think at the same time his reaction to keep you hanging around is equally immature, and a sign of someone not ready to commit.
My opinion, is that what you had wasn't strong enough for a relationship. If you were both that serious, you would have taken the argument more seriously instead of calling it dumb (it wasn't to him), you would NEVER have listened to a mutual friend and just dumped him on the basis that he couldn't do it first, and he wouldn't keep you hanging around.
I think you waiting around is a total waste of time. There is no way this will ever work.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (23 February 2011):
 Well, look: his idea was to take a couple weeks for BOTH of you to think about what you want in a relationship, right?
So, why don' you attempt to do just that? Think about what YOU want - not just with him, but in any relationship: what are the qualities you want to see in a man you're going to be with? What is important to you? Does it matter to you (and if so, how much) that you be on the same page vis-a-vis religion (or if no interest there, then what if your potential partner is a member of a church, synagogue or mosque, and you're not how would you feel about that?); politics, your ideas/views about the world? What are your personal dreams, goals, ambitions and hopes for your life?
Is it important to you that you both share some of the same interests and activities? Do you want space to "be you own person" to pursue time with family and friends? If so, are you willing to acknowledge he might need the same? How about good communication? Being able to talk together (hopefully when both of you are calm and not in the heat of temper) about disagreements and/or conflicts?
I noted that you say you're clear you want to be with him - and I'm sure you do. What I'm saying is use this opportunity of time apart to really consider what you want and then when you do meet again, see if your wishes and needs are compatible.....good luck!
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