A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My (51 year old) Virgo boyfriend of 3 years with an IQ and EQ below par came out and said; he'd prefer his next partner to have a job! I felt this was a criticism of my contribution and worth as we are set to going our separate ways. I know it was retaliatory of him; but please! What do you think?Firstly, he does 8 hours of fork-lifting at work where I have all day, according to him to watch TV and do as I please. And this is how I please... I show my respect and appreciation by keeping house, doing the budget, economising and paying my own personal bills. I cleverly invest monies instead of prolonging the agony of working for the rest of his life, own my own home with which he shares with me and live debit free. I do the mowing and the majority of yard work; so that we can have the week-ends free. I pursue my literary hobby during the day so that we have time in the evenings together. I cook his favourite meals and bake; I make his three course lunches for work before going to bed. I make Friday nights a bit special after his exhaustive week at work. I show support by attending his sport activities and have him build any latest projects. I invite his friends over for a BBQ where he doesn’t lift so much as a finger; but criticises me for my style of hospitality when I ask him to get our guests a drink. I have a cuppa ready after work for him and listen to him whinge for 45 minutes before he goes and picks up a few leaves in the garden. I shower with him, watch his TV programs in between my reading a book or repairing something and tuck him into bed with a smile. This is basically how I please… And although my financial contribute today is but half of his net income; I feel I have contributed and provided a debit free life-style with all the extras; much to my hard work in the past and nature. Whereby he has lost his (material) worth through 2 divorces some 18 and 3 ½ years ago and now that we are separating, he still doesn’t acknowledge the fact that I’ve ever worked nor does he recognise the potential we had together to re-build his all important material worth again.WHY?
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at work, divorce, his ex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (5 March 2010):
 Congratulation !!!
For making creative difference between HOME and HOUSE.
You represent an IDEAL way of life. Men earning and female managing all energy in creative way. Just as in politics separation of church and state is considered as ideal, so in spiritual realm [ I think, male female relationship is spiritual] economic matter should be separated. Female should be kept free to purse all creative art, to make life blissful.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): I read all this with interest. Your guy sounds a bit like my ex. He claims he is 'good with money' cos he works and pays everything off & hates debt. Whilst this is good, I don't class it as good with money as such. His ex wife wanted him to buy a house in a better area and invest but he wanted to pay as much off on their current house and be debt free, which is fine but she then hated where they lived so he (as Quiet Echo points out, hitting the nail exactly on the head!) projected his insecurities onto her. I think he saved money as much as poss, barely lived a life and was obsessed and panicky about doing overtime and paying things off because he was scared, scared that his job was all he had (no family money apart from siblings and they don't talk to him after an argument years ago, no friends, no more career prospects etc etc). I always tried to make him feel good that saved money etc but he had a very difficult personality. The main thing is, he couldn't provide you with what he knows a man who is more your intellectual equal could provide you with and by that I don't just mean money, I mean good conversation, prospects etc etc (did he every show any interest in your literary club?) and also as you know, a more cultured man would share with you in being a better host to your BBQ guest, not expect you to do all the hostessing and preparation then sulk when he has to do his bit! One Christmas my ex and I were at my place and a friend of mine came round to drop off some gifts and she had her husband with her (her husband is a high level very well paid lawyer at a top city firm) and my ex (who has a big mouth when shouting at his son, his ex, myself etc .. and behind closed doors insulting other people) literally hovered about like a schoolboy in the kitchen and my friend later expressed surprise that her husband (who was a visitor to our home) had to go in search of him to the kitchen to say Hello!). Later all my ex could think of to say was 'they've got more money than us'! even though we both earned about £45 k per year each which is classed as middle income i guess (my friend's husband is on a lot more) which just made me see my ex's insecurities even more. He couldn't get it out of his mind that my friends are professional and high earning and all of this insecurity affected our relationship ultimately! (I am one of the female anon readers who poster yesterday btw). Re men not answering this post, it could just be timing - maybe if you re-post it asking for input from me some guys might well get back to you. It's interesting I find to hear what male readers also have to say about this sort of thing. Best wishes to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): You actually sound intelligent, competent & organised. You come across as someone who knows what she wants from life and goes about trying hard to get it, including being resourceful and clever with money/resources. You sound loyal, loving and very tolerant. In short, you sound too good for this guy. He goes out to work every day! So what? Most of us do that. He spends 8 hours a day at work then comes home to tea, comfort, food & love and I bet his weekends are filled with more of the same. He feels inferior to you so he is focusing on the one thing he does and you don't do and he is confusing the 'does' & 'don't' aspects of that with 'good' & 'bad' ie he is good because he works and you are bad because you don't. You have worked hard to get where you are and some peope retired at 55. You don't actually have to explain yourself to anyone, least of all a man who contributes nothing much to your life. I know men who work longer hours than 8 per day and at hard jobs requiring real commitment and brain power, pressured deadlines etc etc and yet still come home and tend to their children, help their wives, do the garden at weekends etc etc. Don't let him make you feel bad, not for a second. Sounds like the only thing he has going for him is that he has a job and he resents the fact that you can multi task, look after him, have succeeded in the past and can now enjoy living debit free due to your own efforts before him, have interests and hobbies outside of him, so he tries to place too much emphasis on the fact that he works and you don't - but whether you work or not is not a reflection of you in a negative way. You are right - he isn't very bright is he!? All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): Thank you Agony Aunts and Anonymous Reader’s for your collective support and point of views… You all managed to nail it on the head about his inferiority, ignorance and inadequacies which is in part of why we are separating. Keep in mind, I won’t loose any sleep over this Genius; but I am perplexed as to his lack of intelligence nonetheless. Even though I have full support of his family; they can see my positive influence over him. As his previous two partners have been very lazy, untidy and lay back, un-attentive, either disloyal or reckless gamblers. All of which I am not!
Furthermore, I have noted from his past that he works very hard to pay things off quickly which in turn leaves the partner and children feeling emotionally neglected. I said to him, whilst that is commendable and part of our era of thinking… For whom were you building it for? Yes, you built a house, BUT you needed too and neglected too build a ‘HOME’! Hence why you’re leaving now, there is no need for a house at our age but a HOME with a partner who’s attentive and respectful on both sides!
Yes, I have the savvy smarts and discipline etc. and he has the ability to sweat for his cash ($32,000 annual net income) and now - Dream Big about purchasing a house of his own ($385,000+) adding all the appointments that were missing here. That is to say; I so terribly deprived him of getting Foxtel ($40/wk), putting in a Pool ($40,000+) as I have an in ground garden Spa, having a recliner chair ($2,000), painting the Lounge Room (labour only), a wetsuit ($50), a pool-table ($1,000) and a 6hp Tinnie – small boat ($2,000). Oh my God; someone please call the Deprivation Police – 7H48 H32D… Or should that be the Petty and Impractical Police? Especially when you plan to travel overseas in a major way (as he’s never exceeded the City Limits before me), get married in 2010 and ‘then’ put some of these big plans in later… Frankly, I never stopped him but rather did the homework etc. for him to go and get these things. But did he put his money where his mouth is? NO!
If you do the maths and compare his contribution ($170/wk inclusive) for the price of building a HOME and doing a few chores, you would think as I do and be rid of this Genius as I’ve done.
I thank you again Reader’s - it was much appreciated.
P.S. I noticed no Male Reader’s commenting on this posted subject?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): Dear Keep experimenting with your life, and at the end you will have all failed results. it seems you your self have been having something within you. you are having 2 failed marriages and then god knows how many failed boy friends. Think some thing about your self
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): ohhh ahahahaha what makes him think he is going to just go out and easily get a 'next partner'??!! he got lucky with you ..... and he didn't appreciate it seemingly! this is his loss .. his 'next partner' will probably be lobotomised or made out of rubber lol! he'll regret losing you & being stupid enough to lose a good lifystyle with a woman who cares & is decent enough to tend to him so well & do interesting things for herself too! it's all gone to his head and now he thinks he is going to go off and have his pick of the flowers in the garden! more fool him! he is deluded my dear, quite quite deluded! don't take any notice of whatever nonsense he comes out with .. it's all a smokescreen to cover up his own insecurity! you can do better & in the meantime just enjoy the life you worked hard for - i'm sorry that you have felt worried about this but try to step back and see it and him and the rubbish he comes out with as just nonsense not worth entertaining! he wants a woman with a job? ok so let him go get one then! he is not the president or the prime minister or some hot shot rich film star! he has some kind of delusional personality persecution complex delusional disorder! best wishes to you :) xx
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A
female
reader, kittykhaos  +, writes (4 March 2010):
 Hes obviously a bit of an asshole, two divorces should have sent you running. Theres a reason men like him have nothing. He will miss you and your easy ride when your gone dont let him make you feel small because he is the inadequate one here. Anyone can go to work 8 hours a day but you obviously have done all the work you need seeing as its YOUR house and YOUR debt free lifestyle. Go out and find someone who is fun loving and interesting you have obviously had enough of the s*it this guy gives you. Don't worry to much what he thinks as you said hes below average IQ anyway. I hope his "next partner" (not that he deserves it) works, never has anytime for him the house or his dinner. Lets see how that goes down. You deserve better. x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): Hello! Unfortunately men who 'below par' do tend to fancy themselves as 'critics' & have a false idea of themselves as being superior (which is actually a sort of reverse psychology because really, deep down, they feel inferior but manage to build up a fantasy of superiority). I was with someone exactly like this. He had an average IQ I guess & a low EQ. He worked and functioned apparently normally on the surface but inside was a seething mass of insecurities so no matter what his ex, or myself, or my children (not his but mine from my ex) or his son did, we would ALL without fail come in for criticism from him at some level. He never however criticised himself.
In fact, the more we do for men like this the more we contribute to turning them into monsters/egomaniacs and the more we encourage their fantasy. Think of it like this: They come home/come round (& your situation sounds similar to mine except I don't own my home outright & we weren't living together)& there we are, having rushed back in, made sure the hosue looks lovely, we look our best, there is great food in the oven/on the table etc etc .. we pamper them and make them feel like a King & so what does this do to the ego of a man who is 'below par'? It just makes him worse! A bit of a reality check is something most emotionally healthy people should be able to deal with.
But if we dare to criticise them they attack us verbally and eventually leave us and then to add insult to injury, tell us they want someone 'better' (in my case my partner said 'i'd prefer someone who is perhaps a bit better with money & a bit slimmer) cos he was into saving every penny and I had an overdraft to pay off (due to being a single parent but I am educated and earn well). It is probably one of the most pathetic and damaging examples of how a relationship with the wrong sort of person can damage us! It hurts deeply after years of giving giving giving and overlooking their inadequacies, for them to turn round and make us feel low by picking on the ONE or TWO small things they feel they can pick on.
It is disgusting (sorry!) and I am still angry with my ex about it and I will never ever go out with a man like that again! He picked on me for being a bit overweight and having an overdraft I was paying off from my previous relationship. He himself is ten years older than me, plain looking, no qualifications, works as a policeman but at the bottom rank and has never progressed (much to his ex wife's disgust!), suffers from impotence, embarrassed me at a wedding by making racist and sexist 'jokes' etc etc .. but he told me he would like someone a bit slimmer!
This is a long answer and maybe I could have made it shorted and you will get some good replies from the others. The reason I laid it all out in reply to your post is because I wanted to ILLUSTRATE by EXAMPLE that he is inadequate and is a creep and you have done nothing wrong! BUT, a friend of mine said men like this 'are never appreciative when they get someone good - it just goes to their head and makes them worse ... until they get brought back down to earth with a big bump'! We should try a bit of 'treat them mean keep them keen'! and I don't mean that in a bad way but just by not being a slave to their every desire, whim, comfort, appetite etc etc but more an equal relationship where we please each other.
Let's get this straight. He lives in YOUR house, which YOU paid for and he is mortgage free so his money is all his own. You pay for your personal bills. So he should bloody well be pleased for you and with you that you succeeded in buying a place and he is now benefitting from that. He has two divorces behind him .. what does that say! At his age, he may be what I have heard described as a 'serial disappointer'! How dare he! If you are definitely through with him I would send him on his way with a few politely put & non negotiably impossible (for him) to manipulate home truths! Call him out for who and what he is! Tell him not to DARE ever say anything like that to you again! Then hold your head up high and enjoy the house you bought and find a man who is equal to you emotionally and intellectually and everythingly! There are good normal guys out there ... thank God! You don't have to justify yourself or how you spend your day. So long as you and a partner have the right balance and agree on who does what and how the partnership works, that is fine. He won't recognise his own potential, let alone your potential together! Luckily for men like him there are a few women like us out there willing to give them a chance and work with them and please them but I hope we are a fading breed! He needs to be with someone who makes him work bloody hard, pay the mortgage, does less than you do for him. Why did you split up in the end?? Was there a catalyst that did it for you?? I know it's hard when you love someone and have a history with them but re men like this, there is no point asking 'WHY'? because we already know why .. you said it yourself ie he has an EQ & IQ below par. He may show rare moments of insight that could deceive people into thinking he can be quite bright. He is probably imcompatible with the human race and therefore quite dangerous in some ways. Let's see what he comes up with next! Good luck to you. Please don't worry about why he said this - he is simply projecting his own inadequacies onto you but you don't have to let him! Tell him that if he DOES find someone with a job, it will probably be very low paid and he will therefore have to be more broke because he will be paying more money for the mortgage and bills etc and also she will be too busy to tend to his little comforts, too tired to have sex and will probably get sick and tired of him asap! Take care x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): He is clearly jealous that you have more financial intelligence than he has. You live debt free. You invest money and make it work for you, rather than the other way round. He, on the other hand, sweats for his cash. You have provided more than enough 'work' in this relationship. Please don't take his comments to heart, he is the loser here. ANd remember - you are separating. So you don't have to analyse this any more. It is what it is. It doesn't matter who did what or who contributed in what way, the gate is closing and that is in the past. Move on, continue to enjoy your home and your lifestyle, he can go and forklift away until he can retire at 65...
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