A
female
age
51-59,
*mafudge
writes:Hi,Just a little long but I am very tormented....I had a coworker (John)that started helping me out at my farm. He is recently divorced very christian, kind person. For the last year we have done things together -antiqueing, play dates w/our kids, attended the same church (until he asked me to go to another since his exwife wanted to come back to the church). I did go to another church. I have been there for him at every turn. He has even invited me out to do things (vs me hounding him). I recently lost my job about 2 months ago. He has made it clear that we are just friends but that we are close friends. Recently I had an emotional melt down and leaned on him. He told me I could not be the kind of friend I needed (somebody who needs somebody to lean on emotionally). He has gotten colder and colder and I have gotten angrier and angrier. Recently he found out that my potbelly pigs in my rescue are being shot and poisened to death by the person I have a custody battle with. I am emotionally distraught and he says he needs space. I was calling once a week before this and sending him him "way to go" hang in there cards from my kids and I. (He is still depressed over his divorce). When I called in anger and crying that I was hurt that he went away at a time in my life where I needed my closest friend (I have always felt he was a close friend - at times he has said the same). He said that he had wanted his space for about 5 or 6 months now and that he had been there because he felt sorry for me. (ie That even though he had said I was the one he could call at 2 AM he never would have). That he invited my daughters and I to his fathers bday dinner because he felt it was the right thing to do. That he had stopped calling as a way to ease me out of his life. That I said mean things (ie "Why didn't you call me John? I've called you when I knew you needed a friend? etc)That he wanted me to stop calling and sending cards because that meant there was pressure for him to keep in touch. John has been so happy to talk to me on the phone as early as last week. He said it meant nothing he was just acting happy because it was the right thing to do. I could go on. He said he wasn't asking me to stay away forever just anywhere from now until maybe the most a year - maybe forever but he hated to say that. He didn't want to hurt me. That he doesn't want me to say goodbye. Of course I was upset and hurt and let him know this. He asked if he could stop by and see me sometime and I said sure. I have no intention of letting this person back into my life. I always told him I would be there for him and to be honest if he called me in a crisis I would be there in a second. Other than that I do not want to speak to him, or see him again. We live far enough away that this can be done. I am considering blocking his phone number or changing my phone numbers all together - but then he knows my work number (got new job)and has called there before. I will not return any phone calls or write. It is extremly unlikely this guy would appear at my front door. A true friend would not do what he has done. I think about John night and day and count the days I have not spoken with him etc.. I think I was falling in love with him (though I never let him know this - he had expressed some emotion towards me at the beginning of the friendship). He does not have any emotional/physical interest in me now. John says he worries I will have moved by the time he no longer needs his space from everybody. I am moving in three months (gives ya an idea on how long he was not going to be contacting me). He also did not want to take his ladder (he left at my place)with him because he said under his breath that would mean everything was at an end. Finally he did say he needed complete distance from me and everybody else to get his life back together. I have had it with being hurt. Not being good enough. He has not asked any of his other (not as close friends) to go away. John tells me he wants my friendship then he doesn't. It will take me a long time to get over John. To see him or have any conversation or write a letter to him will set me way way back emotionally. Do you think I am doing the right thing to completly remove myself from John's life? Is this mean? He has been very cold hearted towards me. A true friend would not have left when I needed him/her most. Was it to much to ask him to call to see if I was OK? Also if this was to hypotheticlly to be an obsession on my part, wouldn't it be a mistake to see him again? Wouldn't it start things up all over again for me?Help!Michelle
View related questions:
christian, co-worker, depressed, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, needs space Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, imafudge +, writes (17 March 2008):
imafudge is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you so much for your kindness it has been such a relief to be able to tell somebody! Everybody has had such wonderful insight and advice. I know I should just be friendly if he does ever call but I feel very hurt and don't feel like forgiving him. I'm being very honest here. If I am nice I feel like I am. A person can read me like a book (I have a Carol Burnette face). John will know I am faking forgiveness - and I don't want to! Don't I sound awful! I have told John - when it got rough - that a friend to me is like a building block in my world - not everybody is a "friend". I may know this person but I won't confide my life in them etc. John looks at friends as casual relationships. He considers me a casual friend. However he tells me that he can't understand why he feels so comfortable around me and feels he can tell me anything. In the next sentence he says something indifferent.
A
female
reader, Amac  +, writes (17 March 2008):
I agree with dearkelja. I have had a slightly different but similar experience in that the minute you start showing some serious emotion and asking the man to return it, sometimes they just not capable of it. I'm not making a generalisation here really - guess it could apply to some women. But some men just kind of 'go into their cave' and step away from you when you ask them to acknowledge their feelings. If you push it, as I did, and they are not in a good enough place mentally to handle this, you can make things much much worse and it will take months, if ever to repair the damage. my advice would be to step back, be kind, be non-threatening relationship/friendship wise if you know what I mean, and give it time for the dust to settle. If you are lucky (unlike me who pushed too hard) then in the end, you may find you have a much better friendship/relationship for it.
...............................
A
female
reader, lilly_08 +, writes (17 March 2008):
 wow !! well its sounds like he may have been falling in love with you too sweetness, maybe he has feelings for you that frighten him as you said he is still hurt over his last relationship maybe he thinks if he distance himself from you for a while his feelings might go away too but love is love it unfortunantly cannot be "TURNED OFF" I think it would be a very smart thing to do as you said stay away for a little while as some of the things he has said to you were hurtfull and you might let this anger completly ruin the friend ship. I have found a way to help myself with issues that I cant deal with directly to the person and thats writing it all down I re-read what I have written then throw it in the bin it helps as I can say whatever I like and I know im not hurting anyone in the process. is there someone that you feel close enough to talk to about this that will also help you because you really do need to VENT the way you feel. to me it sounds like you have really depended on this man as a big part of your life and now his going you feel alone but your not alone you mentioned you had children they might be kids but they are smart and they will be there for you when you need them even if its just a hug !!!
hope ive helped a little and good luck !!
...............................
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (17 March 2008):
 I think it is best to distance yourself from him for at least a few months and let the dust settle. People have their own pain and it is possible that he wasn't able to be there for you during your crisis. I am not making excuses for him mind you. I just think sometimes people (men especially) don't see things the way we do. Some people don't share their feelings either and sometimes people like to walk away slowly so they don't hurt us AND when they are not sure.
If he had a tough time with the divorce he most likely does need that space. Give it to him. Don't contact him. Don't think about him in a romantic setting, it's way too early for that. It could be he sensed this and it scared him.
Go ahead and make your own life. He may or may not fit into it down the road.
Take care,
...............................
|
