A
female
age
36-40,
*issWalsh
writes:Once again, I am really struggling.For those who have perhaps read my questions before, you will know that I am a very lucky girl in a loving relationship. But why don't i feel that way?My boyfriend is possibly one of the best things to happen to me in a long time. I didn't know how happy i could be until i met him. We are in our second year of university and we are moving into our own house for our third and final year and marriage has been often spoke of. At just 20 i realise age is not on my side as experience goes but I am sure he is the guy for me and feel lucky to have met him so soon.But, I am just terribly insecure. From my last posts you will learn i was in an abusive relationship which ended badly with me dumped on my 18th while pregnant for someone else who he has cheated on me with. More than anything this destroyed my happy go lucky confidence i always had and made me feel like the most ugly and unloveable person in the world. I ended up miscarrying the baby and I tried very hard to move on with my life.My relationship now is very special, we have arguments, who doesn't? We wind each other up, but that's to be expected. He does everything for me but i find it so hard to believe his kind words and affection.. It kills me as all i want to do is believe him but i can't sometimes. I get insecure when he goes out at night without me, i am threatened by his exes, i misread what he says and what he means. I am terrible. More than that i feel clingy which is awful and not me at all.He is in an unfortunate position at the moment as his grandmother, his only living grandparent has terminal cancer and is on her death bed. Being the Easter holidays he is back at home supporting his mother and family and i am back at home 3 and half hours away. I can't always talk to him when i want and this has been hard but i have been so so supportive. But recently i have been feeling out of sorts, a bit ill, tired and quite sick. I took a pregnancy test and confirmed that my worries were true. I am once again pregnant..I have told him about it and obviously he can't be here for me as it is not a problem in the grand scheme of things right now which i understand. He is trying but in my panic and worry all my previous memories of being abused and unloved and losing a baby on my own have come back and i am terrified. He visited his grandma tonight and he said he would let me know how she is and i didn't hear from him in several hours and i tried calling his house phone to see where he was as i was worried something had happened to his grandmother. and my desperation to help only succeeded to make me look selfish. his mother is now mad as she mistakes the phone for being bad news and says that although she understands my problem (he told his mum about my pregnancy, but i cant tell my parents because of their beliefs and i dont ever want to let them down) she feels i was selfish and disrespectful.what i am going through is hurting me so much and he knows i need him but he cant be there and in this situation its making things worse for everyone. now i just feel abandoned and scared and so alone. I am only around my family as most of my close mates are at my uni and are home themselves. I have decided to abort our baby as we are both intelligent and have many hopes for the future. I feel so guilty like i am some sort of murderer but i can't raise a child and i dont want to ruin both of our lives. I go for the abortion pill tomorrow and consumed with guilt i will take it as its my only choice. But i just wish he could know how much i need him and i dont know how i am supposed to rebuild that close relationship i had with his mother as i was percieved so wrongly...i dont know how our relationship can survive if i have ruined these family ties. I only wanted to support him and be the best i could be...im so lonely and so scared..i just want to know what i can do to rebuild all of this. Is it really my fault?please help, never have i felt so desperately alone...
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abortion, cheated on me, confidence, grandmother, his ex, insecure, move on, pregnancy test, university, unloved Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008): Hi Sweet, i know that you feel that so many things are happening at the moment- all of which are not good. But believe it or not relationships can get through things like this and family ties can be re-built. A very similar thing happened to me...a part from the seriously ill family member bit. Things did work out really really well in the end, you will have to make an unbelivable effort to show them the real you after everthing has settled. You are making the right decision, but you have to sort everything bit by bit. i really feel for you and understand you angst. Sending you positive thoughts. P.s just because he's the man for you doesn't mean that you have to have his child right now. It is something huge for you to look forward to after all of the other amazing things that will happen in your future together.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): Of course. I am a young single parent. I am still in school and work. I live with my family. It is hard, but it is every bit worth it. I never thought I would have a child in my life, I used to hate being around children when I was in highschool. But their is nothing like have one of your own. I had no idea the rewarding moments would be so great. Great enough to keep me going..great enought that I continue to try harder and harder so that things aren't just better for me...but better for my child as well. You do have more options and help and support than you think. 3 you!
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (17 March 2008):
 I understand where you're coming from. As someone who was adopted, I'm greatful my biological mom chose the was she did. At 33 years old, we were able to meet. We have a wonderful adult relationship. My growing up with my adopted family was wonderful as well. I now have one mom to attend plays with and fine dining, and one who I can go to the bar and get drunk with.
As I've said, I have worked with women with post abortion trauma. Some of which is still experiencing PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) after 30 years. You do have a choice. A chance of sometime having a relationship with your child, or never having that relationship.
Either way I'll pray that you choose in a direction that will allow you to be who you want to be.
Coming from a parent stand point. My 13 year old daughter stayed up too late and is sleeping next to me while I type. I've tried nudging, tickeling, making funny faces with her lips, and she won't budge. As soon as I send this she's getting ice down her pants. My children complete me as a person. I have many accomplishments, most of which I don't think would have happened if it wasn't for them. They give me reason and motivation to keep going when i want to give up, and make me want to be the best person I can possibly be.
Take care, it's ice time.
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A
female
reader, MissWalsh +, writes (17 March 2008):
MissWalsh is verified as being by the original poster of the question We have both decided that we can't keep our baby. i am not very far along but I know that even though people out there who cant have children of their own would love to adopt the little being in my tummy i couldn't forgive myself. I know that some are against abortion on here and i am not trying to offend. I just wanted to know if i was alone on this or whether people can understand what i am going through. I am very grateful for everyone who has taken the time to give me their advice. I just hope that we will make it through. Although we have planned to wed when old enough, if the spark is still there, we are too young right now and I feel I need to grow up as a person as well as a couple. Whatever happens to me, thank you all so much x x x
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A
female
reader, MissWalsh +, writes (17 March 2008):
MissWalsh is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMore than anything, I just want to express that i know this baby won't ruin my life, but in the state that i am in i am not mentally secure enough to have this child. Dreams of being a mother are precious to me but i can't do this to two people who already are struggling.My insecurities do run deep but I can cope in this relationship. I am not mad at him, i just can't believe how, and i use the world lightly as i know a child is a blessing, unlucky we are in a sense that this has come in a time where it can't be dealt with in the way it should be. My parents, are not supportive of me having a baby at this time. I am under pressure as I am a straight a excellence student at university, now achieving 1sts and 2:1s and for them they would not only be deeply saddened by this but it would really let them down. I have worked so hard for this and I can't cope with a child. There are days when I feel as though I am fine and could not be happier. I would not say I am depressed as people all over the world have worse or more problems than myself. I just sometimes struggle to see what is real and what isn't in love. I am one of those people that are stupidly too nice, i wear my heart on my sleeve only to find when i have leant it out i want it back. I know those who have replied see me as somewhat delusional and unstable, maybe i am, but i'm not a bad person. I'm just so terribly guilty and feel as though its my fault and i am just making things harder for him. Even though i was on the pill we have gotten to the stage where we have both been checked and decided not to used condoms. Unwise perhaps as I would not be here now, but it was our choice and I am standing up for the consequences. He would be a brilliant supportive father and support whatever choice I make but he has the right to a future and the right to smile again when he feels he can. I can't steal that from him. i love him...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): You have a bunch of issues at once right now. And the pregnancy thing is something you aren't looking at clearly. A child does not RUIN the life of the parents, only a parent can ruin the life of a child(as well as unborn child). You said you both were intelligent and have hopes for the future. If you two are so intelligent then you should know how to ADJUST your plans when an unplanned pregnancy happens. Today's society makes abortions sound like its just a casual event in every young girls life. Never concidering the moral aspect of this. There is more to life than what we experience her on this earth..there is a great being beyond this time, and everything we do now in this life we will pay for in another. I am a young mother myself. I love my child, and words cannot descride how strong the love and bond is. You have other issues as well. You are insecure about your relationship because you have a bad history with someone else. You are therefore not ready for a relationship since you are still in a fragile state. You need to be strong for yourself first. You can NOT look to someone else to make you feel complete or better about yourself. You can NOT look to someone else to feel 100% secure about life. This has to come within your self. It is possible to raise a child alone...it its difficult. You say your family has certain views about pregnancy and thats why you don't want to tell them. Because you know they will appose to the abortion. Your family love you, the will help you and be there for you. Turn to them, and God...the rest will come. I Love you!Good Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): Dear, you have put yourself into a situation haven't you. You do sound panicky and quite desperate and I'm sorry you're in a crisis mode. You need to see a counselor, therapist or doctor straight away.
I think that you seem to be trying to punish him for not being there right at the moment. He has lots of things going on with the situation with his gram and his whole family is trying to deal with it.
You seem to have decided that you're alone, even though you have your own family who I hope love you and want the best for you and you do have friends who are only a phone call away. Did they support you with the abusive relationship and the miscarriage? Did you ever tell them about it? You said you don't want to let your family down but there are times when you need to let them help you and trust that they will forgive you. Did you see a counselor then?
I'm really curious as to why do you have to have the abortion right away? When did you discover you were pregnant and how far along are you? Have you seen the doctor to confirm it?
I think you need some counseling to deal with your emotions and your clinginess, and especially with the pregnancy, it could be that hormones are taking over and you're not thinking clearly but it sounds like you are really angry with him for not being by your side right now. The thing is that being pregnant is not an immediate crisis compared to what his family is going through and you sound like you're trying to regain his attention through being dramatic.
Sorry for everything but you need to get outside help and not expect him to solve this for you right now.
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (17 March 2008):
 Hello there...
Breathe!! Slow down. Is there any counseling available at your university? Can you access any counseling services in which you can talk with someone and try to organize your thoughts and feelings?
It seems you have two different issues at hand and my suggestion would be to think of them separately. In the first hand you have a boyfriend who has a very difficult situation at home that he needs to deal with and you are acting very insecure which he doesn't need right now. The truth is, if someone is going to cheat on you they will even if you call him 200 times a day. If you feel very lucky with him then enjoy this relationship, there is no reason why he is not enjoying it as much. I also think you should get some professional counseling for dealing with this, if he is or isn't at your side. For the rest of your life you will have to deal with yourself and more than hurting him or letting down his mom, you are hurting yourself.
On the other hand, you are pregnant. You don't want to let your parents down but, you know what, everyone makes mistakes. And you made one, big deal! I mean, next time, take pills or use condoms (you kinda should've known by now, but what the heck). I am not going to be very popular with saying this but here it goes. A child is a precious gift that you are lucky to be able to have. I am 29, never been pregnant and now worried I might not be able to have kids. There are a lot of women who really want to have a child and are not able to do so. I am not saying adoption might be the right alternative for you, but is definitely an option and sitting down and thinking about that possibility would be a good idea.
You seem like a nice girl who has had trouble getting over a bad experience. Look for help for yourself, try to deal with that situation and to leave it in the past where it belongs. And, whatever you decide on the baby, try not to let it be influenced by how insecure you feel right now.
Best of lucks!
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (17 March 2008):
I'm not going to comment on your abortion since you've made your mind up about doing so. My thoughts around that would therefore be unheard.
I would like to comment on you as a whole. Abuse is a difficult situation to endure. You're not in that place anymore. Everytime you have a bad thought about yourself, stop the thought and correct it. We tend to believe what we tell ourselves. The more you start loving yourself in thought and action, the more your feelings will improve.
I think seeking counseling would not be a bad idea, or even joining a abuse group.
The only thing I will say as far as your abortion, being someone who's worked with many who have been through the procedure is, with the post abuse affects, adding the post abortion affects, you have a higher chance of developing additional mental issues which will be fairly difficult to treat. They can be treated and helped, I urge you to seek that treatment and start bringing your sense of self where it should be.
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A
male
reader, Dr. John +, writes (17 March 2008):
 I have supplied a link to a series of articles which should help. Please look them over. Doc
http://www.watchtower.org/e/20041008/article_01.htm
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