A
male
age
30-35,
*lloyd21
writes:Hi everyone,A bit of background knowledge - I'm 19 a gay guy currently living in the UK. Last year I lived in Australia, and was in a relationship with another guy. I returned to the UK recently, and have been saving money to return to Aus, and start university there in February, to be with my boyfriend.My problem is, my boyfriend seems quite controlling, in the way he never seems to like anyone I go out with, and always seems to think I am cheating on him..this isn't helped by the fact his best friend dislikes me, so puts stuff in his head.My best friend of 10 years, a girl, came to visit me and him in Sydney last year, and at New Years, we kissed in front of him, which understandably got him mad, however I was very drunk, and obviously it was a mistake looking back. I'm not attracted like that to my friend, we are so close, like brother and sister, and being gay I'm not attracted to her anyways! She loves my boyfriend and thinks we are good together and has always been so supportive, unlike his best friends who are the opposite - which was hard on me living in Australia. Basically every time I go out, and he sees photos on facebook of me having fun, whoever it is with he freaks out, but especially my best friend. I know he has the kiss at new years in the back of his head, but it was infront of him, and posting photos on facebook isnt exactly what I call secret, which I thought people wouldnt do if they were actually cheating on their partner?? He says we are "all over each other" when we are clearly not, and the poses we do in photos are the same as everyone else!! In Sydney he basically disliked the first friend I met, and had huge trust issues before we got to even know each other!I always need friends as well as a boyfriend, but he just seems to only be happy when I am just with him, and dont have a support network around me (like I was in Australia).He puts it on me and makes me feel like I've done something really wrong, when all I am doing is going out occasionally (once every 3 weeks?) to release and just let go abit from just working and waiting to go to university in february.I gave up my place here in London because I thought I was going to sydney, but now I am having huge doubts as these issues just dont stop, and now he apparently hates me best friend! I just dont know what to do. I'm not going to change my personality and be anti social for him.... He has done things to make me doubt him before, like messaging/adding other guys on Facebook, but I dont ever doubt him or get paranoid, because I trust him!What do I do? He's such a good guy, and a great boyfriend and I love him, but this issue is huge and he just cant let it go...I've never cheated on him, and would never do it, I just dont get it!If anyone can help, that'd be amazing...I don't know what to do :(Thank you xx
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male
reader, olloyd21 +, writes (15 October 2009):
olloyd21 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks LallaZine, your answer is really helpful....
You are so right, I should be with someone who empowers me and makes me feel good...I just dont understand because I have not done anything wrong! Everytime I bring up issues with him like this, he manages to turn it around on me, as if I'm having doubts about our relationship, and as if I am not commited...its not about that though.
What do you think I should do re his best friend hating me scenario? My bf is very generous, but sometimes he gets used by friends....this one guy in particular was clearly abusing this, and when I came into the picture, it stopped (which I think was a good move). So after that, his best friend basically started hating me... Anyways, after a year of us 3 not hanging out, and them bitching about me to him, putting bad stuff in his head that would then effect our relationship etc, I confronted his best friend. Nothing too much happened.
When he came to the UK in August, he was so shocked how close I am to my friends (in a good way) and how he realises his best friend treats him badly, and how its not healthy for him to hang out with someone that hates me. His friend can say THE most hurtful things, I dont really care...I just dont get why he'd still hang out with him?
So he went back to Sydney, and now has been seeing his friend again, and the using has kind of started again...I go on and on about dropping him as a friend, but he ignores it. The friend constantly tries to create shit, and my bf has always said if the choice came to chose, he'd chose me, but he's never done anything to back that up.....
I just feel so lost and like nobody else can see this situation for what it is. It feels so toxic, but I am in love and just cant help feeling attatched to him, even if there is so much stress.
A
female
reader, LallaZine +, writes (15 October 2009):
 Do you know what? I dont want to influence you or tell you what you should do, because that isn't what this website should be about. But...I'm going to be honest, so here goes. I think that you are too good for this guy and you do sound quite different in character. If anyone tries to make you feel bad, guilty for being sociable, or tries to change you - they are no good for you. Someone who empowers you, makes you feel strong and respected - is obviously what you want and need. No one wants to feel guilty or bad for being sociable. That's just not right, it's like being told not to breathe. You always need a support network around you and it's not healthy to rely just on one person all the time, especially if you are far away from home. This guy is on the other side of the world and yet he can make you feel bad sometimes, sounds quite controlling to me. He shouldn't be putting his own insecurities etc. on to you. That's his problem, not yours. Maybe you should have a break from each other for a short while to think it all through, because I know that the prospect of 'letting go' is very daunting and is easier said than done. It sounds like he wants you all to himself, but that isn't necessarily a good thing, it sounds like you know that though. You sound like an intelligent person, it's just that you are letting your emotions cloud your judgement - which I can totally understand by the way. He is lucky that you are so understanding and patient. Dont let him ruin any friendships that you have got and if he talks to other guys on facebook but doesnt like you talking to your friends...there is a bit of hypocrisy going on. You deserve better you know. Giving up your life in London is a big thing! I live in London and would like to live abroad at some stage but Aussie? That's a big step. You really have to make sure that you are doing the right thing for the right reasons. Take care and I wish you all the best of luck.I'm here if you want to chat.x
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A
female
reader, YourDestiny11  +, writes (15 October 2009):
 Well it sounds like you should deffinately break up with him! If i were you i would just stay in london if you like it there! You two will never work because he doesnt trust you at all, even with your best friend, that is ridiculous! No relationship can make it without love, trust, honesty and loyalty! So you just need to break up with him and move on! Good luck!
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