A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is my story:I met a really great guy two years ago. We eloped too fast and talked about marriage too fast. The first problem started when I found out he had unfinished business with his ex girlfriend and was still communicating with her in another country. I threatened to leave him many times if he did not stop and choose and he promised he will.Well this was where I went crazy, I started consulting online psychic. Talked to many of them and they all said the same thing that this man is been pulled by his ex who doesn't want to let go. Some advised me to leave him because he will remain confused and some advised me to hang in there because it is me he wants. I prayed and fasted and just one day I got tired of it all. At this point my insecurities have reached the utmost high and I became excessively obsessed with this man and trying to find out the type of relationship he really got going on with this girl.Well after two years I gave up and broke off with him. He did not want it to end and I know he loves me. I also gave up on the psychic. I just don't trust anyone anymore. I started rebuilding my relationship with God again.Four months later we started talking again and i was under the impression that he was trying to come back but he never really made aggressive moves to show me what he really wants and I wasn't about to let him have me so cheap again so i just did not push. Well after four months I gave up again and this time I told him to go and leave me alone. The emotional trauma was too much. I will rather have a man who knows what he wants and is not confused to have my and in marriage.Now one will think why do I still care when I chased him away? Well I think I ended it when he was about to make a decision and this time he took it as a sign from God that this other woman is the one for him since she has hung in there for long. I heard he is engaged to her and getting ready to go back home to do the introduction.Well my thing is I believe I still have feelings for him and despite what I have gone through as a friend, I don't want him to fall for deception and make such a terrible mistake. Because my fear is once that mistake is made, I do not want him back after that and also I do seriously feel sorry for him making a mistake as deadly as this.What should I do in this case? I know if I contact him he will be confused again and jumping between me and her. Should I just let him go and make his foolish mistake then since I will not want him back in my life confused again and making both of us go crazy or should I fight for Love? This little girl don't deserve him and she makes him feel bad if he tries to leave her and this is something he does not see himself doing. He has prayed she go away on her own but its not happening.Please someone help or better yet pray for me. I really need closure and peace for myself.
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cheap, engaged, ex girlfriend, his ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (9 January 2013):
Hello again. Sometimes, it's just the wisest thing to follow your heart and what it's telling you.
It sounds like you have some idea of how you are feeling about all of this, and so it could be for the best if you do follow your heart on this one.
Give it some time anyway, and just see what happens next.
All you can do is wait and see.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt really depends on what he says - when and if he does decide to call.
If he was still where he is now - undecided and confused - well then tell him something like - "Although I love you very much, I don't want to be someone you just settle for. And nor do I want to share you with anyone else, either. I deserve better."
Then wish him all the very best in the future.
Dorothty,
I think I have gone and past this stage. We broke up last year with no contact and after five months we managed to get back communicating. I was hoping he was trying to come back but it seems like we were back to the same circle again with the love triangle. He still was confused and undecided. He even had the audacity to not come see me and requested that I was the one to come see him. He offered no real explanation for his actions other than the things he went through growing up. During our relationship he never admitted this girl was an ex. He claimed that she was a business partner that helps him internationally and that she is interested in him and he is not. So he lied and I was really upset because I knew the truth and I could not stand that he will lie about something like that.
Anyways I found out about this girl about 2 months in the relationship and I wanted to end it because it was her and other women. But I thought hey we just met I don't expect him to not have women he was talking to before me so I decided to give him time. As time went on, every other women went away except this girl who knew about me when I answered one of her phone calls. She sounded really upset to know about me. Lord knows what he said to her that made her stick around.
To be honest with you guys and to agree with some of you, he is really selfish and have issues. I think he just uses women emotions for ego stroking to succumb the hurt and pain he has faced all his life and I just happened to be one of those women that fell for his charm. I am just one to believe that people can change and I was watching him and seeing the progress he was making towards change. I just couldn't stand being in competition with another woman when I so much gave him 110% of my life and this other woman did not even do half what I did. That's why It hurts. I guess I will be chilling to if I was this other woman but i was raising hell.
I am so upset right now typing this and it is reminding me of why I broke up with him in the first place. I am beginning to see that even if he came back, as much as I love him will he be a 100% with me and love me the way I deserve to be loved? The matters of the heart is so complicate. It's a if I have the answers in front of me but I am hopeful yet doubtful hence the confusion and guilt brewing all over me.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (8 January 2013):
 The fact he took her back means the relationship is ultimately doomed anyhow.
They will still have those issues that broke them up the last time hidden, for the time being, under the surface. Trust me, they will raise their ugly heads again.
Move on. Find a guy where you're number 1 and not number 2 because number 1 is a million miles away.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (8 January 2013):
Hi there. First of all, it seems like when he met you, there still was some unfinished business with his ex at the time.
There is no doubt about it whatsoever.
So what might have happened, could be that when he met you, he was fresh out of that previous relationship, and so he wasn't really ready for a new relationship.
And when you came along, he had feelings for you, and he probably fell head over heels in love with you - or at least thought he was at the time - and so he went with it, and it was a case of full speed ahead.
And unfortunately, it could have been full speed ahead, way too soon.
He may have thought he was ready to move on, but the reality became clear to him, that he wasn't.
And it didn't become clear to him, until his ex got back in touch with him again.
Going into a new relationship straight after a breakup, is often a rebound situation.
Which is trying to fill that gap too quickly, for the sake of not being lonely and sad anymore.
Obviously, he had feelings for you, otherwise it wouldn't have moved on as fast as it did.
Nevertheless, it does seem he wasn't ready, just the same.
Unfortunately, there is nothing too much you can do about this, because although he was broken up with her when he met you, he still clearly had feelings for her.
Because, if he didn't have feelings for her still, he would not have been in contact with her once it ended.
So now it seems he loves, or is "in love" with two women - you and his ex.
There is no point in giving him an ultimatum, because that puts pressure on him to make a decision FAST, and that usually doesn't work.
It usually causes a lot of resentment, and you don't want that.
For now though, don't make any contact with him, and just see if he calls you again.
And I say this, because he is in contact now with his ex, and so if you were to call or text him now, it would only complicate matters even more.
So my best advice to you, would be to give him some space so he can sort out his own life and what he wants, in his own good time.
You have heard that he is engaged, or about to get engaged,
so he must have been very close to that stage when he broke it off with her, which means it could have been very serious up until the breakup.
So that says a lot as well, doesn't it?
I don't mean to make you feel sad, just to make you aware of what the situation really is.
It's possible they were about to get engaged before he met you, and then they had a big argument and called it off completely.
So the breakup could have been done in the heat of the moment.
And the truth is, you don't know that that wasn't the case, do you?
And he's very unlikely to mention it in conversation, either.
So it's possible, that you may never know the full story regards the status of his last relationship, prior to the breakup.
And as to whether it is a mistake for him to stay with his ex girlfriend, well then it's up to him to realize this for himself.
No-one else can influence him in any way.
This is something only he can reach any conclusion on.
It could be a mistake, and then again it might not be a mistake at all.
Only time will tell.
So in the meantime, just get on with your own life and go out with your friends and have fun, and if he calls, great.
And if he doesn't call, and it gets to be 2 months or more and no contact from him, well then you could probably safely say that he isn't coming back.
And just supposing he DOES call you.
It really depends on what he says - when and if he does decide to call.
If he was still where he is now - undecided and confused - well then tell him something like - "Although I love you very much, I don't want to be someone you just settle for. And nor do I want to share you with anyone else, either. I deserve better."
Then wish him all the very best in the future.
And say it with sincerity.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't understand this game of love anymore. I just can't see to believe that he wasn't into me. I am the only woman he brought around his close friends and family according to everyone I have met. They don't even know who she is. How is it that she is now the one getting the ring. I just feel like I may have pushed her into his arms since I started misbehaving by snooping and fighting over who I want him to talk to on the internet. We were so into each other. She came along as the person who gave him attention and stroke his ego when I couldn't.I beat myself up for not playing it cool and ignoring these things like this other woman did. Is this what got her a ring?She was more interested in him. I have seen emails and letters where she is the one begging to come back to his life not so much of him reciprocating. He just kept her around plus she really was no harm to us since she was million miles away. But not anymore she got his heart and I feel like the sorry loser here for acting like this.I have read books where they claim that men don't respond to talks and ultimatum, they respond to distance and silence. I just was so upset at him that i couldn't control myself and this little girl who did not invest much is now ending up with him?It sucks.He did not have a job and I took him like that and helped him for two years. Paid most of the long distance airfare. How did it end like this. Why are humans so cruel?
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (8 January 2013):
Just leave him.
If he was into you, there'd be no EX on the scene and he'd be with you. The EX hasn't manipulated or forced him away. He has chosen to go that way.
Find someone who wants to be with you and you want to be with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): "What should I do in this case? I know if I contact him he will be confused again and jumping between me and her. "then the only sensible thing for you to do is to walk away from him for good. There is no way you can get him to commit fully to you, it seems, because he's so wishy-washy he won't commit to any one woman. For example he was with her (she's the ex, right?) then somehow they broke up and he got with you but continued with her...so it's not like she's got a monopoly on him. But neither do you. If you know that contacting him won't inspire him to make a full decision to be with you, if instead it will just cause him to bounce back and forth again between you and her, then there really is no point in doing anything. Just walk away for good and let her live with the frustration of being married to a guy who will always be only half with her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2013): You should just leave him and walk away completely and no longer bother with what he is or isn't doing and with whom. He isn't ready to be with you, maybe he never will be. right now you're thinking about this from the perspective of your relationship with him. But think about it from the perspective of his relationship with her. Maybe they are meant to be together and you were just a temporary diversion in their story. You do not know that marrying her is a 'deadly mistake' for him. maybe they are meant to be together and that is why he was never fully yours. Or maybe it is a mistake but it's one that he has to make and learn from on his own time.And even if it's not her, if he didn't choose you by himself then he's not ready to be with you. Maybe he's not ready to be with anyone."Well I think I ended it when he was about to make a decision and this time he took it as a sign from God that this other woman is the one for him since she has hung in there for long"So you think he only got engaged to her because you misled him into thinking you were not interested in him? how do you know that if you had pursued him more aggressively, that he would have chosen you and never looked back? I mean, he was still with her to begin with. And now he's engaged to her. You did the right thing of not pursuing him and using that as a test to see if he wanted you badly and single-mindedly enough to pursue you. And indeed you got your answer, which is that no he didn't feel the need to pursue you. He instead went and got engaged to her. That shows his mindset. it's not the same as yours. If you had done things different I don't think it would have changed this outcome. why did he choose her? who knows, it's just between the two of them. You're not part of their relationship so it's not for you to decide if they have a strong relationship or not. Did he choose her just because he thought you weren't interested? Well if he did, then the next question is why do you even want a guy like this, who treats relationships so lightly and can interchange women just like that? He's the one making the decision who to be with. So it's his life and if he is confused what he wants, well he just needs to muddle through his life on his own. He may be one of those people who just needs to jump from one marriage to another, or one partner to another, many times and break many hearts along the way before he figures out who he is and what he wants in life. You're just a third party right now so it's useless to be trying to exert any control over him. You might think that well she exerted a lot of control that's why she now has him. But does she really have him all to herself? I mean, at one time he was with you, right? So it's not like you should be envying her all that much either. Confused people like him are not good partners, they just string other people along indefinitely and keep changing their story. it's best that you just walk away and concentrate on your own life.
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